concerns about my relationship w/my therapist

hi i don't know if this is a stupid question or if i am over-analyzing the therapist-client relationship i am developing but here is the situation:

my therapist makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable bc she is ALWAYS so affectionate; big hugs, a little slide down my shoulders and back, and she always sits very close to me

also last week when the session ended, she said "so sweetie, do you remember what day our session is on next week and what time it is?"

she flips thru her calendar...and i say "no i dont remember..."

then she says "oh i found it, oh its on vAlentines day sweetie ! maybe you could be my valentine!" there was like a 2 second pause between us and then she laughed, tring to brush it off, then she hugged me again when i left. maybe i am misreading the social cues and /or body language she is giving me. ANY and ALL feedback would be helpful ..and i'm not even sure if i posted this in the right place! and anyway, sorry if its a stupid question!

That was weird and creepy. She knows your deepest secrets and seems very small professionalism toward you. I think you should stay with therapist that you are not comfortable with. Find another one.

Never had this issue.... but with my accountant.... ghrrrrr

therapists come in all shapes and sizes so to speak..for some therapist-client relationships this is normal and for others this isnt...I once has a therapist who sat right next to me, held my hand and called me ...honey...sweetie...lovey... and other forms of endearments, gave hugs of all kinds, and made some totally strange jokes (at least I thought they were strange)

it wasnt anything illegal or unethical but it did make me uncomfortable so I talked to her about it.. it turned out that a majority of those she had worked with in the past were children so she was used to getting down to a childs level of things..

I explained to her I was an adult and would like to be treated like an adult not a child who needs to be talked to in a sweet voice with constant endearments and such.

she backed off a bit but sometimes she just couldnt help but to call me sweetie, lovey, honey,....I eventually located another therapist. at that time my self esteem and self worth were in the gutter and I wasnt ready to believe I was someone who was worth the hug and endearments.

now I have a therapist who does shower me with the positives of hugs and endearments at times and Im comfortable with them. I have a name given to me by my therapist which means beautiful one in my Indian culture. she is always reaching out to hold me or my hand, rubs my back... she gives great back massages too...basically shes what most people call a holistic therapist... she works with a person as a whole individual on all kinds of issues, mental and physical well being.

There are some people on here who would love there T to do all that. What's important is that if your not comfortable, you need to tell her.

Exactly. I don't think I would be comfortable with that kind of banter, it sounds too flirty to me. But some people, I imagine T's also, do not intend flirty-ness to be predatory or to make anyone uncomfortable. I think T's need to be extra careful on the flirty-ness scale because it can promote sensual/sexual feelings in clients.

Once, my T called me "sweetie" but it was clear that it just slipped out and he didn't even notice himself do it. I think he was just feeling very tender towards me that day, maybe a little over-protective. But if he did it repeatedly or it seemed like a deliberate strategy that included the kinds of behaviors and statements you are talking about, I'd be very uncomfortable.

I think it is a thin line and it is hard to tell for a client. And people seem to always want to give a therapist the benefit of the doubt or join in blaming the client for misreading or causing the situation. This may be related more the cs(a?) for me than for others. If it were me, I would tell the therapist I was uncomfortable and not let her touch me. Or I would find a new one.

My T and I are very touchy-feely huggy-squeezy lovey-dovey even kIssy-facey but we don't talk to each other like THAT!! We are like ethnically friendly, and therapeutically serious or laughing, as the situation requires. But will you be my valentine? I'd have to give a ten-minute oral essay on what I MEEEEEEAANNNN by that. And so would he!

For my therapist and i, that is normal behavior, just because we are close and known each other a long time and we are cofortable with it.

However.... If it makes you uncomfortable, perhaps you need to set a boundary with your t and say something.

This is a professional relationship. At least, it's supposed to be. Would that be acceptable behaviour in any other professional relationship?

Probably. In my experience there is a wide range of personal behavior exhibited by doctors, lawyers, professors. My H wears ties and jackets when he teaches his undergraduate class; he is a well known professor in his field. Most of his male colleagues wear wrinkled, holey jeans and flip flops. I don't think the students learn any less or more based on what their professors wear. My gyn told me about his cancer recovery and we cried together, and he gave me a big hug. The next time I saw him, he held my hand and talked to me while holding on for about 10 minutes. I didn't forget to ask about how his boyfriend's doing. I know an attorney who works in the public defender's office and she wears tennis shoes, jeans, and tshirts to court. She has a reputation for counseling her clients well and for really fighting for them. Luckily for her, she's not assigned to the family law courtroom where they have a "dress code", which is always a little ambiguous for women, but the only woman on the bench in our smalllish town throws women lawyers out of the courtroom if they show "too much" cleavage.

A lot of what's professional behavior or clothing is opinion and subjective judgment by people. I don't believe there is any bright line rule that states that certain words or phrases or non sexual touching is not professional. Like most professions, T's have a code of professional conduct that includes not borrowing money from clients and not having s e x with them. As long as they are following their rules of professional conduct, I don't care as a general matter what they do. However, I think that T's should be aware that clients may be uncomfortable with less conventional behavior such as flirty talk or hugs, and create an environment in which clients can say what they feel about it. Whether certain things are professional or not, clients should always feel free to tell their T's not to engage in behaviors that they don't like, for any reason.

Where I come from, there are very strict rules for therapists. As usual, I'm really left to wonder how some of you guys are so accepting of such behaviour. I don't want to fight about this. Just saying that stuff like this leaves me flabbergasted and genuinely concerned.

I would definitely set boundaries you are comfortable with if you want to continue to see her, if you have found her to be a helpful, competant therapist otherwise. I would never be able to handle that kind of lovey-doveyness, nor have I ever experienced it in a T before. But there are so many different degrees of affection expressed between T and client that it is hard to know what is beyond an "appropriate" boundary (in some cases). Except that you weren't comfortable with it, and that is what she needs to know. Don't be afraid to express yourself and stick up for your own personal comfort level!

I could justify the sitting near and hugging. But I don't know what it actually looks like. But the "sweetie" and "Valentine" talk feels uncomfortable to me no matter how it's said.

This sounds way too flirty and is obviously going to send out the wrong signals.

If you're uncomfortable, maybe you could tell her that.

EG: "I'd rather you didn't call me sweetie."

She's used to working with kids. The invitation to make her a valentine may have been appropriate for kids, not for an adult. If she can't adapt to the needs of who ever she is seeing, time to move on. I personally find use of those nicknames like sweety condescending and I can't tolerate them. But we are all different.

The key here is how YOU feel about your T's behaviour. I'm a big believer in gut instinct. Okay many of us have been hurt so it's hard to trust it but it's still a really good guide. Many situations like these can sound innocent and even desirable to others but if it's not working for you, that's the factor here. Tell your T. How she handles what you say to her may be important in where you go from here.

Is she from the south? Everyone is sweetie, honey, sugar pie, in the south. Seriously.

I do it. Catch myself and then say "please don't sue me".

There can and should be a measure of cultural acceptance if that's what you think is happening here, but you should also talk to her about it.

For some people endearments are just a part of their natural vernacular.

ugh. If she's a good T otherwise, I would try to let her know you don't like it. You shouldn't just tolerate it though, it makes you uncomfortable so it MATTERS.

My xt used to say "okay my dear" all the time, and I hated it. He also continuously touched my arm, back, etc. when I was leaving. I was constantly cringing when it came time to go. It isn't okay if you don't like it.

no offense but my therapist has many valentines around her room that her clients have made or bought for her. she considers artwork and expressing oneself to be part of the therapy process that is not limited to just children. there are many different kinds of valentine cards out now that are not the mushy, mush romantic type valentine. valentines day here in america means showing someone you care and appreciate them, its not all about ....Im madly in love with you romance stuff..Adults can care and appreciate their therapist for all the hard work that they do for and with them.

My therapist sets time for valentines and other holidays occasions celebrated in america including birthdays, anniversaries for making cards, and celebrating/acknowledging that occasion for her adults and child clients.

here at the crisis center we also acknowledge and celebrate events like valentines day, and other special occasions with our adult and child clients.

at the hospital where I work we also celebrate/acknowledge with cards/ and other ways of expressing/ acknowledging and celebrating our clients (adults and children) special occasions like valentines day.

in your location they may think special occasions like valentines day cards are childish and just for children. But other locations like mine do not think special occasions are just for children.

I once bit ched at my T for walking behind me. I felt like a weirdo, but it bothered me. He stopped walking behind me.

My t calls me sweetie, ,kiddo, baby, honey quite often-- lots of people do-- its part of our culture.i do the same to others as well.

My T calls me "kiddo" sometimes; that's the only other name he has ever used...I think it's funny tho since I am in my 30s.

Told T about this and the OP. He just got a goofy look on his face and laughed. I think the goofy look translates to, okay what are you telling pc about me NOW??!!