Loordy, Lourdy the COUCH is 40....

Nightlight · Feb 28, 2013, 01:00 AM

My T seemed not to believe me when I told her I wasn't angry with my parents or family. She told me that would be very unusual. My family were far from perfect, but I don't think my issues are their fault. They did look away from my difficulties and didn't help me...but it didn't make me feel angry. I just wasn't able to make the best of what I got, which always seemed to be my fault. Later my T became convinced that I'm very angry unconsciously.

I still don't actually think I'm angry at all.

stopdog · Feb 28, 2013, 01:00 AM

I don't mind being angry at others. I just truly don't know what I would be angry at my parents for now. I imagine I got angry at the time they did something to me where anger would have been justified.

trdleblue · Feb 28, 2013, 01:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

With me, it was like, they just didn't think I was worth the trouble. They got away with the least about of effort. They took the most possible credit, like for my good grades, wIthout ever giving me credit for making those good grades. To the extended family I was smart, but to my immediate family I was dumb and lazy and ugly. but they would never say such a thIng to my face. They just let It out In drIbs and drabs. So basically they can bite me now. I am a lot happier and a lot saner, now that I don't subject myself to their weirdness any longer. Their phoniness. I never really knew what to say or how to act. Now I understand why.

My mom would call me those things to my face constantly, but then usually say the opposite when we were out in public. There was / is so much contradiction with her. Phoniness is probably a good way to put it. I sometimes think that I will have to go your route and cut out any contact with my mom and my sister. My brother is one of the biggest reasons I have not done so yet.

trdleblue · Feb 28, 2013, 01:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nightlight

Later my T became convinced that I'm very angry unconsciously.

I still don't actually think I'm angry at all.

I wouldn't be surprised if I am unconsciously angry.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't mind being angry at others. I just truly don't know what I would be angry at my parents for now. I imagine I got angry at the time they did something to me where anger would have been justified.

I'm fairly messed up when it comes to emotion, and anger is definitely one that I just don't know how to do. My T did ask me once if I thought it was okay to be angry, and I answered no. I still feel that way. It just feels like it is wrong for me to be angry at others.

feralkittymom · Feb 28, 2013, 01:36 AM

I don't see forgiveness as a remedy for anger. I've never forgiven my parents (they're dead now), but I have accepted them for who they were, both the good and bad.

As my self-esteem grew, my boundaries strengthened, and my disengagement from my parents followed. Only after that, was I able to not feel consumed with anger and hurt.

Feb 28, 2013, 06:06 AM

Hello! Hello! Anybody in here?

Nightlight · Feb 28, 2013, 06:21 AM

I'm mostly reading a boring textbook and occasionally checking in.

granite1 · Feb 28, 2013, 07:02 AM

had horrible dreams last night and then bunches of triggering stuff on pc is a bit much so see ya later today maybe .love you all bunches.

WikidPissah · Feb 28, 2013, 07:52 AM

wait granite....how was t? Did you watch a video?

The group last night wasn't horrid. We talked about anger, it's kind of funny to come here and see you all talked about the same. Only we were supposed to be angry at God or the cosmos or whatever for giving us cancer. Funny, I never thought about God giving me cancer, more the opposite. I am a screwup, I did something wrong and gave myself cancer. That's how I think of it. I hadn't realized that until last night though, and I can see that that probably isn't solid thinking. So who gave me cancer? Whom should I wrath at? Things to ponder.

Oh, and T today. Don't know if I should talk about the group, the home inspection that made me melt down, my uncontrollable fear of the dead, or my pissy attitude towards my mother. 45 minutes isn't a hell of a lot of time, maybe I'll just shoot the breeze.

Feb 28, 2013, 07:55 AM

Rage at the T Wiki... Thats wht SD says. Morning all, Long day today... I need to get out of bed...so here I go. Granite,

hope you are being gentle with you.

sittingatwatersedge · Feb 28, 2013, 08:08 AM

(morning everyone!)

Yoda

I don't know if you ever read the Couch but just in case - who's Dusty?

WikidPissah · Feb 28, 2013, 08:09 AM

ha ha... like I could rage at anyone! That is not in my nature at all. Not that I think it's bad for others, just not for me. Not a rage-er, all my anger goes onto myself as it should.

trdleblue · 09:14 AM

Wiki - Good luck at t today
Granite - Sorry you had bad dreams last night.

trdleblue · Feb 28, 2013, 08:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

ha ha... like I could rage at anyone! That is not in my nature at all. Not that I think it's bad for others, just not for me. Not a rage-er, all my anger goes onto myself as it should.

I am the same way, but I will say this for you and me, it really shouldn't go onto us. Not that I know a way to direct it elsewhere.

08:38 AM

Wikid, my dad was one of the least bitter people I know. He was capable of violent rages every once in a while, but he didn't hold a grudge. Two ladies I knew very well at the church where I grew up had cancer, and they were amazing, peaceful, wonderful ladies. A friend's small child recently passed away from cancer, and he was the coolest, sweetest kid I ever met. A month before he died, his mom got a kidney stone and he was bustling around getting her drinks and heating pads and bringing her medicine. He spent time trying to raise money for cancer research and was never angry at God or anyone. He was just sad for his parents and sister. YOU are amazing and a great friend. No way in hell did any of you do anything to deserve cancer. Love you. Please hang in there.

Nightlight · Feb 28, 2013, 08:35 AM

Have a good day everyone!

I'm off to bed. Hopefully no more therapy related dreams tonight. They weren't that unpleasant last night, but I'm sick of thinking about the whole process. It really hasn't been going well for me lately and I can't believe what a mess it's left everything in. Maybe next week I'll find the magic fix. T's asking me what I think I need in order to get over it all. I'm still so hurt that I just don't know. I think I might ask her if she'd do things differently if we could reverse the clock.

Feb 28, 2013, 08:45 AM

Night night, night! Im a self rager too!

WikidPissah · Feb 28, 2013, 08:55 AM

((MKAC)) thank you.

I just had a lightbulb moment:
If I believe I deserve the cancer, then I believe all people with cancer deserve it.
Similarly:
If I believe I deserved to be abused, then I believe all children who are abused deserved it.

wow.

Feb 28, 2013, 09:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

((MKAC)) thank you.

I just had a lightbulb moment:
If I believe I deserve the cancer, then I believe all people with cancer deserve it.
Similarly:
If I believe I deserved to be abused, then I believe all children who are abused deserved it.

wow.

I wish there was a multiple-hugs button. Wiki, what a huge lightbulb!!! wow!!!

Feb 28, 2013, 09:14 AM

Morning couchies! I have my first mini-session with t this morning. She offered it last week because of my little melt-down during that session. I was against it at first. But this morning I am very much looking forward to it because I figured out why I was crying. It wasn't the feelings themselves that she pointed out to me, it was that little Artemis inside me that still expects being punished and ridiculed for having feelings. Cuz she really caught me off guard pointing them out to me. We'll see how a 15 minute mini session goes! have a good day all.