Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

Dear T

I hate that I care for you so much

I hate that its so easy to talk to you

I hate that I cling to you like a liferaft and if I let go i might drown.

I'm a messed up, broken little girl. Please don't let go.

Dear T, thanks for everything you said. it was hard to hear. i do feel so vulnerable. i am trying my best to open up.
thanks for telling me i could share the crazy parts and that therapy was the best place to do that. it felt safe. not like i was crazy.
i was scared a lot. not sure why. thank you. lots to think about.

Dear T,

This is so over.

We just need to find a bandaid big enough so I can walk out without leaving a bloody trail. The irony is, it's not even you, it's ex-T. But I never should have been matched up to you by him in the first place since you don't do the kind of therapy I need. I hope when he talks to you tomorrow he has a heck of a good explanation for that....

I'm thinking about jumping ship, T. I've found another T I think I like better, and who I think gets me better, and who seems willing to be more real to me.

But it's been almost six years now. How on earth do I leave?

(((((((((( likelife )))))))))) Talk to your T about it; the way will be made surprisingly smooth for you.

when I read your post a song started running in my head.

“The problem is all inside your head,” T said to me, "the answer is easy if you take it logically. I’d like to help you in your struggle to be free; there must be fifty ways to leave your [transference] mother."

T said, “It’s really not my habit to intrude; furthermore, I hope my meaning won’t be lost or misconstrued; but I’ll repeat myself at the risk of being crude - there must be fifty ways to leave your [transference] mother."

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

T said, “It grieves me so to see you in such pain; I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again”
I said, “I appreciate that... and would you please explain? about the fifty ways?”
T said, “Why don’t you just go home and sleep on it tonight, and I believe that in the morning you’ll begin to see the light”
She declined to hug me, and I realized she probably was right; there must be fifty ways to leave your [transference] mother.

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

I just wanted to say that although I really appreciated the story about your wife's similar struggles, and I could see that you were trying to show me that you understand, dear T, please don't talk about her anymore.

I need you to stay anonymous.
For once, I need everything to be about me.

dear T,

will you accept me and join the battle with me even if i say i'm actually hesitant to get better because it's all so familiar now... that depression is part of my life and to have the depression lifted seems so scary....

would you still have faith and hope in me that i would recover?

I'm afraid of the same thing... and I don't know how to tell my T about it. I'm afraid he'll think we're wasting time.

Dude, you seriously have GOT to be kidding me.

And you can take your email and shove it.

This is so fantastic, SAWE! Thank you. I'm tempted to just slip out the back. And I'm tired of feeling coy, even though I'm not trying to be.

Clearly I need to talk with T. Right? Yeah, right. If only that conversation didn't seem so daunting. "Hi, T, I'm still angry with you. And hey, guess what? I found a new T that I like better than you! So go suck it." Probably more effective ways to have that conversation, huh?

Hey,

Just took the new medication again (that caused me quite an excruciating level of pain last night). I had no one else to tell, so thought I'd tell you. Do you think I'll survive another few hours of that level of pain? It didn't feel like I would last night, but I did. So I thought it was worth trying again...

See you in a few days...

Dear T:
I trust you. I trust you with all my deep dark secrets. I hope I am brave enough to tell you them next session.

Dear T,

I hate your stupid breaks. I wish you never took time off.

Why do I bother even coming to see you when its obvious that I'm not going to open up to you beyond surface stuff and I just tell you what you want to hear...

T,

I'm not willing to go where I know we are headed. We cannot stand still. We cannot move more slowly as we're still going towards the same place and I'll never be ready. I'm leaving. Please do not call me.

I'm sorry.

I should have prefaced that with something like, "with apologies to Paul Simon" !
what are the odds, that he was in therapy and that's how he came to write that song, it was just too eerily right...

LifeLike you will probably have a few days to process before you go see T and break the news that you want to terminate (?)

I am betting that you find a far more effective way to put it than "And hey, guess what? I found a new T that I like better than you! So go _____"

when is your appt? would you mind if I jump into yr pocket?
SAWE

I just hope I don't turn into a deer in the headlights again in next session. I have many things to say to you.

Good old Paul Simon

I would love pocket riders! My appt is on Wednesday. I don't think I'm going to go all out and say I want to terminate right now, but I do want to be honest about my reservations about continuing.

Dear T,

I have slept 6 hours since Wednesday. I imagine if I don't somehow get this in check by Monday I am going to be in a state you have not seen me in before.

Oh and my father said I need to get a new T because I told him about this wreck going on. God I love irony.

Please fix. Please fix.

Dear T,

I love you and I'm glad I'm your "job"!!! I hope you liked my poem, Unshed Tears. If neither of us die, I will see you on April 9th. You said you won't die, but you don't know for sure. I am very glad that we're doing what we're doing in therapy now. I feel good about it even though I have a long way to go. I'm doing my homework with the lotion, too. Thank you for being the best T in the world (even if you changed the rules). It feels like we're touching even though we're not.

Love,
rainbow

I'm scared about things. Some things that I've told you, some that I haven't... I don't know if you care about me or not, but I'm guessing it's the later, yet other times, I think you do care. I like talking to you - it's nice having a face to face conversation, someone to listen to what you have to say. But while all this is there, you intimidate me at the same time. Every time I'm at your doorway, I feel like turning around and running away. I feel like that scream painting. I feel like I'm always bothering you and feel like people know what were talking about, but I'm too afraid to ask you this. I would talk to someone else if I could, but you're the only option I have.

Dear T,
thanks for letting me feel important.
my mind/brain has not shut off since thursday. and everywhere i go i am hanging onto a stupid mc donalds toy cause that was in my pocket the whole time you were talking with me.
that is what helped, "you were talking with me and not at me"... i felt important.
not like i was taking up space. and when i left there wasn't much cleaning to do since i never sat on the couch.

When I am in my dark moments with the eating disorder I say to myself, "just die already." But I'm still here and trying to make peace with living...will I ever find it? Are the motions of going through therapy enough to save me from myself?