Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

T,

too much.

dear T,

thank you.

Sleep deprivation makes everything worse.

I'm scared to talk to you again. That walk from the front door down to your office is the most nerve racking thing I experience.

Dear T and Ex-T,

NO NO NO NO NO I do not want to have a session with both of you at the same time. Am I on another planet? There is NOTHING good about that idea. And for suggesting it, Ex-T, I think I hate you.

My god, T, I feel so alone right now.

Dear T,

I'm sorry that I can't say what I want to say when I'm with you...I'm afraid of you even though you do everything the "right" way (it's aggravating almost lol). I thought i caught you in a big mistake last week that would've caused me to have to leave, but i was the one who jumped to conclusions...Im sorry.

Since meeting you, I've gotten more anxious and the depression is the same. I'm scared of getting worse but I really want to hang on with you.

I feel like I'm stuck in a circle. You've solved some of my problems, yet at the same time you've caused more. I want to resolved these new ones, but I'm too afraid because I'm loosing trust in you and I'm afraid my suspicions might be true. Every day that goes by I loose more trust in you. That I feel like everyone knows what I've said to you. That since I've started talking to you, I get more and more strange looks in the halls. Who are you telling everything to? Who's overheard you?

I feel EXACTLY the same way!

Sorry to hear that. Perhaps we can be alone together?

My father told me I was wrong when I thought I was unique and talented.
T, you tell me that I'm wrong when I say I'm worthless and stupid.

I just want to be RIGHT for a change...

I'm so nervous to see you today. Change of schedule to no schedule for 3 freaking months. He said and he said but you clearly didn't give a crap about what I said. So today I will not spend my money to talk about this rupture mess. I'll talk about some other stuff, like I'd tell any Doc at a walk in clinic, not you after all these years working together. I don't trust you. It has been a mess for me and you can tick off "won" on your talley sheet. Many a relationship I have "gone forward" but the trust was not rebuilt, none would be the wiser and here we are.

T - can you see me? am i real? can you really see me?

I think it's time to stop emailing you altogether, T. I'd like to believe that that decision is freeing. But it's really terrifying. I depend on it too much. I depend on you too much. Time to sack up and go back to depending on myself.

Dear T,
How can you not recoil in disgust when I tell you these things? Why aren't you telling me it was all my fault and that I deserved it? Why are you being so nice and accepting of me despite the things you know? What if I start to believe you when you tell me it wasn't my fault and that I was a child and thus powerless to prevent things? What happens if I no longer have the certainty that I was so bad that I deserved and even caused those things to happen to cling to?

Words out of my mouth...

Thank you. So relieved.

T,
I hate that I feel like I have to lie to you like I do to everyone else. It wears me down so much now that I feel the need to try and guess what you want to hear and play pretend so you won't feel upset.

I'm angry at you for not seeing this and for asking leading questions that make it more likely that I'll say what you want me to. I hate myself too for being such a dishonest coward.

THANK YOU. I finally trust you. You have made me feel that you really do care. This means so so much to me.

Dear Newer T I Have Only Seen 3 Times,

I hope you call me back tomorrow and I can see you this week. I think I need you as my "consultant" while I figure out my T and ex-T mess, how insulting is that??
If I could separate myself easier, I would make you my new T. I can breathe when I am in your office, almost like you are normal, like it's normal therapy, like you are "normal"? Whatever that means. I just hope you can and will see me, and I haven't used up my visits since I haven't committed to you as my new T (yet).
I have to be dug out from the ditch, where the mire is like quicksand, first. Please help.

So much for resolve, T. Why did it feel like you pushed me away after hugging me today? Nonetheless, felt like a good session today. I just need to remember that when I want to turn it into something bad.

Dear T,

Thank you for not making me feel bad for telling you what I did today. Now I feel way too exposed and way too open, but I think you're starting to see the real me. I still wish you were an 'expert' on eating disorders, but I do appreciate you doing the best you can until I get into the ED clinic in another 2 weeks for my assessment. I know what I'm telling you each week must be frustrating in some ways and I wish you could understand, because I sure don't either. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread waiting for that assessment/treatment plan. Not sure what I'd do without you by my side. So thank you for that and thank you for not putting me inpatient either- I truly believe it would only make things worse at this point. I know I'm very resistant about going to the ED clinic, but I promise you I'm going. My DH will see to it.

I saw you at the grocery store tonight. I don't know if you saw me because I escaped to the produce section pretty quickly.

Its just weird that you are a person outside your office.

T
I never said what you said i said. I hope you haven't written that in my notes.

T, I love you, in that strange, platonic, only-works-in-therapy way. I really do. Thank you for helping me trust and thank you for making me feel normal

Yup. I've had this happen too. Pretended I didn't see her.

AWKWARD