Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

I am so NOT sorry about the lap dance comment

Dear T,
i am yet again amazed by your love and patience for me. Your texts this morning were just exactly what i needed and wanted. For you to let me know that you were thinking of me today, when you knew it was a hard one, was so thoughtful.
My recovery is at risk right now, but i think i can overcome the possibility of a slip up with your help.
I lose track of the amount of times i think you hate me, despair of me, get annoyed with me- but every time that happens, you are just so understanding.
Thanks for being my T
HT.

Dear t,

I'm so nervous..i want to cancel.

dear pdoc,

its starting to dawn on me that i'm not going to see you again, ever, in that room we used to say hello and exchange smiles. i knew for a long time that this was coming, that parting was inevitable, but why was i not prepared for it? i'm gonna miss you so badly pdoc... you were my second t and you were the best. sometimes i wished you were my t even. sometimes i want to blame the program you're on for making you leave, but i know it myself that it's for your own good.

i guess the grieving process starts now...

truth is pdoc, the colleague you handed my case to (i shall dub him "the new guy"), i don't know if i can trust him. i'm scared pdoc. i'm scared of opening up my heart and getting it broken again.

to be honest, i've never felt this before but i miss you so badly... and im secretly hoping our paths would cross again so i have a chance to be your patient again. idk why am i feeling this way..

- htn

If you are not prepared to take my Aspergers into account, then to hell with you.

Dear xT,

thank you, thank you, thank you.

Dear T,

Tonight was awful. I guess I expected it. Can't believe how you lied to my face like that. All I want to know is WHY did you tell her?? Of all the people you could have called, you called her. You still expect to get away with what you've done.

Please be careful who you teach psychological mind games to. It can be very dangerous. I wonder who coached Hitler? Apparently, (to my surprise) you don't read people very well do you? I thought you really understood me but now...well...now I'm just so sad.

If I'm close enough to talk to you, i'm close eenough to kiss you. Pls keep your distance this weekend.

Yeah T, still here and no response...don't hurt yourself. Only waiting to schedule the A/C guy to come around my appt with you.

Pdoc,

You and your crappy office policies sucked today.
You doing half*** therapy with me for 10 minutes SUCKS too since I asked you to be my T before and you said you couldn't.
OK then, stop analyzing me like a T does; I don't care if you DO have that training. I have two therapists I see regularly. I haven't seen you in like 4 or 5 months. So today you advised me on something I should stop doing to decrease my anxiety, but you have no idea how much it would increase my emotional pain, because HELLO I see you for 20 minutes once in a while, and you don't know me; I don't want your crappy analysis of how I could reduce my anxiety when you have 2% knowledge to go on. So shut up.

It just hurts SO much inside. So much.

Dear T,

I miss you so much. I wish I meant something more to you but I see now that I don't. It hurts me to come to this realization. I needed you so.

Dear T,

Ever have one of those days, that you just want to crawl back under the covers and hibernate? Well, today, I am having one of those days.

Oh, and T....I do really have something to say to you, but I don't know how....

GO BRUINS!!!

T1: i miss you. i hope that i am not annoying you with my emails... but you didn't say i couldn't email when i asked you, so... but i hope you'd let me know if it wasn't ok.

T2: sorry for being a little harsh... i just need some time...

I'm jealous you have a boyfriend who's closer to you than I will ever be

Dear t, I just don't know anymore. I think I'm even losing hope in therapy. please have something on Monday to spark it again? I don't think I want to do this anymore.

Dear t
Last week I could tell you were desperately trying to find a way to connect with me and for that I thank you. I think you were a bit amazed when I couldn't read your face at all, even spot the tears in your eyes. I think you understood a bit when I told you I couldn't actually see your eyes properly due to my eye sight. But what I did take away was the fact that you really wanted me to feel your care for me. Ironically although I couldn't I could a bit in the fact you tried so many slightly different ways. Most people would have given up. Now I need to be able to take this feeling away with me. Please please don't give up on me.

Dear T:

I have something else to tell you.....This Series is going to be Fantastic!! 2 of the Original 6!!!

And, the reaction I got from you, when discussing #63!!!

GO BRUINS!!!

Dear T,

I think I may have finally gotten to a place of trusting you. PLEASE don't hurt me.

I'm hurting so much I don't know what to do. Your reply to my txt yesterday helped temporarily, but the underlying cause is still there and the pain is flaring up again. And in addition, I'm worried about your vacation, what I'll do in the weeks you're away. And that is something I can definitely not tell you.

T,

i really am in a crisis right now and i need to see you. but you're on leave now. and when you come back is when i'll be gone for vacation. i don't know whether i can continue on anymore. but the thing is: i still struggle to trust you with everything.

- htn

You were sitting 5 steps away, you have no idea how close you came to being kissed. I feel so guilty about it.

Please don't have surgery.

Ex-T,

Well I was trying to tell you something, but then you deleted it. You also sound like an immature idiot with NO filter. So just do it, shut up and leave and stop trying to get attention; I am tired of seeing you there.
And you better have read my letter. And you better get on calling my current T as I requested re: that one question, or he will call you. But I bet you'll call "on me" after what I posted today since I am sure you want to run around screaming, "she broke a boundary."
Um sorry, you terminated with me almost 3 years ago. Besides not breaking laws and not acting intrusively, just because I would never do that...I can say what I did because I wanted to express myself, plus I was supporting you. I just don't think you want to hear the truth or see it that way. Also, YOU CANNOT ERASE ME. It really ruins your day sometimes, doesn't it?

Current T,

Earth to you?? Where have you been all week?? Even my check hasn't been cashed and I am worried. Emailing you now and calling you tom...you should have responded by now.

New T,

The rest of these people are making my brain feel inbalanced. I tried to used what we talked about today to make decisions when my tire was flat, and all of a sudden I think it was worse. I don't want people around me, and most of these people I can't get away from.

I want to talk to you about my friend who needs help, but I am afraid it will put you in the position of reporting and I don't want to betray that friend's trust...