Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

I don't know how I can be any more clear with you. I am not doing well.

I wish i could talk with you today. I will just wait till my appt tomorrow. I feel like you hate me and i really want to stop going to you. But I promised I'd give it more time and i always keep my word. I don't understand therapy or how it works. I feel really confused these days and like nobody understands me. I spend most of the time trying to find a reason not to kill myself and usually i just come up with one. My girls. I feel really sad.

Please please ask your T how they really feel. I bet you all the cream pie in the world that your T doesn't hate you.

You must be so frustrated with me, I know I'm frustrated with myself. How do you change something that has been an integral part of your personality for years?

I need to cry in there tomorrow..don't let me shut down. I need to sob and feel things and I need you to lean forward in your chair and hold me (therapeutically speaking), in the moment.

Dear T:

I cannot believe, game 1. Well, I will just have to believe it, 'tis reality; ugh. I'm going to need a bunch of expresso in a few hours. *sigh*

T.
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.



HT.

Dear T
The back of your head is surprisingly more arousing than your face. I wonder why?

Double hugs for Healingtimes - but love that you expressed it so well . To everyone on this page, seems like hard times in therapy at the moment so hugs to all.

I'm not negative for a change, though very very frightened underneath.

Dear T

Thank you. I think you are actually getting through to me in a way that none of my previous 35 plus Ts have come within a million miles of achieving. Which should be good and probably is because I end up feeling strangely positive after seeing you though I don't know the **** why, but it is scaring the hell out of me at the same time.

Early days I tell myself though, early days.

I'm worn out. I have messed up maybe? I called you four times in the last four days just done with it all. I didn't ask you to call back and you didn't, but I secretly wanted you to. I am just so worn down. I feel like I am rotting from the inside out and my arm where I burned it is rotting too. Disgusting. No hope for me. I won't bother you anymore. I don't deserve your kindness or help. I'm sorry for calling so much.

(((((((((healing))))))))))) hope that provided a little catharsis for you...

Dear T,

sometimes in the room i feel like crying. but i can't. this makes me stuck in a limbo.

on another note, hope your leave is going well.. and that you're having a nice break

- htn

Dear T,

I can't believe you made my coffee ready before I came.

It's like you gave me the moon on a stick or something, basically.

Dear New T,

Thank you! You rock!

thank you for telling me to forget the time and letting me stay longer. that thing you sensed at the end was me wanting to collapse in a heap on the floor and say "make it all go away".

T,

one more week before your holiday. I'm not sure I'll be able to cope as well as I've told you I will.

Since you are leaving me soon anyway I have this strong urge to say screw the boundaries..... and then blowup your email and voice mail every single time I feel the need to tell you something. What's going to happen? You might terminate me....you might think I'm needy (won't be thinking of me at all soon enough)
But, I won't.

all this new stuff in T is kind of terriying

You'll be so disappointed in me when you see me. And the lack of progress. Here we go again. Now I am in a panic and want to cancel.

Dear T,

I don't know if you understood tonight. I think I had a hard time telling you what is going on because I'm suppressing it all within myself....I wanted to tell you that you mean a lot to me and im really scared that you are going to leave. I wanted to say that without you, I'm not sure I'd be doing as well as I am. I wanted to say that you are really helping me and I appreciate you. But I didn't say any of that. I'm sorry

You are so kind to me, sometimes I wonder if maybe you're too kind.

Dear T, I finally reached out for help again this month after a horrible year away and just met/started seeing you, now I find out I will not be able to afford my appointments, medication etc anymore by next month. I'm sorry for starting this whole process and wasting your time setting up a treatment plan again, I didn't realize this would happen I don't even really know you, but you're the first person in the mental health field I've had to see that I actually was able to talk to about things with, I've never really been able to with my other T or any of my pdoc's.

Dear T,

I miss the old days when we were close, before I came to realize what you had done to me. I wish you had told me. I don't know what I'm going to do next. I never thought I would be contemplating sending in the forms. Why couldn't you trust ME!! You expect me to put my trust in you (and I did) but now you can't do the same. This is really having an effect on me. It will be on your heads if things take a turn for the worse.

My husband is an asshole. And while I tell you the kids and I are safe, I really wonder what might happen. Tonight he hit me with a fan. Our youngest was on the couch next to me and it bounced off of my face and hit her. What if he has missed me all together? What if she was the one hurt instead of me? I can't tell you this because I'm not ready to do anything about it and I don't want my kids taken away from me.

Dear T, this whole thing where I can't contact you at all between sessions is not working out for me. I don't know how I'm going to survive the entire summer without you. I'm so lonely here and I really miss you because I know you can help take my loneliness away even if for only a minute. Sometimes, I cry at night because I miss talking to you. And you have no idea about all of this because I'm scared to let on that you mean anything to me. I'm sorry

Dear T,

I also wanted to answer you more honestly when you asked me if there was something on my mind that I wanted to talk about tonight, but might be holding back...um, I should have found a way to tell you I am having Si all the time and that is really what brought me into t in the first place! How crazy is it that I haven't even really shared that with you. Sometimes it feels like its enough just to have my hour with you set aside every week to keep me grounded in this area. But where does that leave me when you inevitably send me away?

I am afraid to tell you because I can't risk being hospitalized. My family depends on me, T....I won't do anything because I'm a coward anyways. But I don't want you to overreact. And I definitely don't want to burden you with that either