Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

Dear T,

There were so many times that I felt you wanted to tell me something but didn't because you wore the professional hat. I wish you could have told me because I needed to hear it. I needed it then and I need it now. It feels terrible to think that you will never be honest with me.

SHE has hurt me. Don't you see that yet? Just because someone looks good on the outside does not mean you can trust her. It does NOT mean she is a good, kind, person just because YOU want to believe it. She believes she is and that is ironic. She doesn't see or hear herself. She has no idea of her hurtful ways nor can she really control them.

YOU have hurt me so much. The pain is not going anywhere. I sit with it everyday. I did not deserve this on top of all the other s*** I have to deal with. Things just seem to get worse for me.

I wish you could have been honest with me. I wish YOU were the ONE person in my life who could be honest with me but no. Maybe I could have forgiven you in time? The offense was egregious but... I do love you. I shouldn't, but I do. My feelings are all over the place. One minute I'm so angry at you and the next I miss you so much. I hope you have learned something from this and will never repeat the error with someone else or repeat it with me. I hope not......

I want you to like me that's why I can't tell you everything. You say there's no judgement but we both know that you're only human.

Why?

And how?

New T,

God I hope you can make this a little easier for me, or else I might need part of my brain surgically removed.

Dear T,
I saw you drive by today. it was very awkward because I know you seen me and my gf seen you and she doesn't like you and you don't like her.
You were on your own too, I notice you are on your own all the time. I wonder if you are happy on your own. I wanted so much to text you after seeing you today to connect. I hope you are happy t x

Dear T,

Have you no conscience? Did she mean more to you than me? Was it all about looks? Clearly you trusted her over me. You've reinforced every bad thought I've had about how someone's appearance is everything in this world. Are you really that naïve to be taken in by her? I find that hard to believe. You're an educated man. You couldn't possibly fall for her charm could you? Did you ever have any feelings for me? Are you happy with HER now? Are you glad I am out of the picture? Don't you miss me? I am so sad over all this and don't know what the next step will be. I have a lot on my plate right now and instead of being there to help me well.....

((Michelle25))

Mostly I'm angry with you. How could you have effed up so badly? How could you not have known how devastating you leaving would be. All those times that you said you were there and that you weren't going anywhere, they were all ********. You have no idea how to "be there."

I still love you, despite all of it. And I still desperately want you to love me. When you said you felt humiliated, I think that's the most honest you've ever been with me. And then you iced off, and turned into some effing robot who happened to lack any logic whatsoever. I hate you for what you did to me.

I'm anxious and I'm freaking out. I think I just asked a girl on a date. I wish I could talk to you and that you could calm me down and reassure me that it's going to be okay! Who else can I talk to about this stuff?! Hell. I don't even know if I can talk to you about it when I do see you.

T, you've no idea (well you probably do actually because you know me soooo well) how much I wanted to say "yes, please" to your offer today. Me being my stubborn self of course........ couldn't just let myself say those two simple little words "yes, please". Then again, you and I both know there's not going to be anything simple about it when I do eventually say them - is there?

Dear T,

Tonight I am feeling very insecure in our relationship and worried you don't like me /: not sure where this is coming from T, but it's highly annoying. Maybe it's because I've had angry feelings toward you, and just in general, lately and I'm reacting out of that - afraid you will leave since ive started to show you my more negative side. I don't know....

You wanted to try a technique with me and I declined. Now I'm afraid you won't want to be my T anymore. I wouldn't blame you as I wouldn't want to be my T either.

Dear T,
I accidentally sent you an email I think you may have to act on... I really meant to switch the "to" field to myself, but the computer has been jumpy lately and it sent it even without me finishing what I was writing... Please don't act on it, but please do... I'm struggling so much with all this... I really need something else... I lie with that smile and the self-assured walk in and out of your office each time... please know that while I am panicking about sending you that email, I really need you to read it and act on it because I don't know how much longer I can hold out... I'm glad I see you tomorrow, but also terrified... and I may continue to lie out of fear and anxiety, but I think we both knew this was coming... and... I'm sorry...

Dear T,

Thanks for nothing...

Sincerely,
BB (aka. the easily forgotten, uncared for one)

PS. My heart hurts so, so, so much.

dear T,

sometimes i purposely avoid looking at your face because inside of me wants to laugh.. you're beautiful really but i think your makeup is too thick >____< and that leads me to not really listen in to what you're saying. it doesn't help either that your hair is frizzy and sometimes you don't tie it so it goes all over the place >_<

i'm sorry T

I'm so sorry, BashfulBear.

Thanks, Mast. Why is she doing this? I know I'm not memorable or important to anyone, but 59 days with no communication from her... really? I need her so much right now, and she's not there. I don't understand.

Wow Bashful Bear, that's a looooooong time to go without hearing from your T . I don't know the background but yeah something like that would make you feel unimportant and forgotten. Can you not contact her? I assume you would if you could, just trying to be helpful here. Hugs to you

Dear T,

Thank you for today. I think I am truly grateful, not something I often feel. I think you're probably pretty good but I don't want to say that too loudly in case of tempting fate. But you are definitely better than all of the three million six hundred thousand three hundred and thirty seven Ts I've seen before you...

Dear T,

I want it to be about me, but here I am, jealous of you again. I was made aware that you may be having a great time on the dating scene! That is SO not you, but what if I'm wrong and it IS you? I want you to be happy and find someone else if it's what you want, but I can't imagine you going out just to go out. At least not YET! Or, maybe I don't want to imagine it.

Do you think I'm having a transference reaction about my father having lady friends after my Mom passed away? Or do you think I'm jealous because you can go out and have fun with guys and I can't? Or both?

I want to do SE for the whole time tomorrow but right now I'm feeling these feelings I don't like. I don't know how they can come over me so suddenly. I don't know why, either. Maybe I will burst into tears when I see you tomorrow. I'm always honest with you, but I don't know if I can be about this subject.

Dear T,
Sometimes I think you are a silly goose.
I humor you and agree to do these worksheets and tracking and rating my worries because it seems like you are particularly excited about data and numbers. Such a researcher.

I've been checking my mail everyday, T, waiting for and dreading the stupid termination letter you said you were going to send me. I had a **** weekend (not entirely, but I hate being preoccupied with you and your ignorance). I'm annoyed with my H. I'm irritated by my MIL. My parents were in town and I couldn't wait for them to leave. And you still owe me money, damn it!

I hope you'll accept this and that everything went okay with your t today.

Me again. Did you miss me? No, of course not. You are so glad to be rid of me, to not have to think of me ever again. It must be such a relief.

Meanwhile, I'm still over here, hanging out, going to work, spending time with my kids, staring at the wall, thinking about dying. You know, the usual. Seriously, I need to get you out of my head. Even more difficult, I need to get you out of my heart. How do I do that?

I miss you terrifically. I hate you. I love you. I want to pummel you. I want you to know how much you hurt me, how you devastated me. But I don't get to do that.

I still keep thinking about writing you, pretty much all of the time. Thing is, I don't even know what I'd say. For once, I feel like I've said all there is to say and you just. don't. understand. Makes me wonder if you ever understood.

I want to tell you that consultT thinks you screwed up. Of course, she only has my version of events, so who knows how much that actually means.

Dear t,
...
Well that failed. Please promise you have more ideas?

Dear T,

this is not strictly something I need to tell you without knowing how to, but I can't tell you right now because you're not here. So:
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
(I wish you'd chosen to take a seven-week vacation, though, rather than eight weeks. But thank you for acknowledging how scary the upcoming break is for me.)