Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

I don't even know what I want to tell you. I want to stay hidden and don't want to see you this week. I know you'll say its because I am pulling away from you but its more global than that. I want to pull away from the world. There is nothing you can say or do to help me through this- I wish there were. Things are bleak.

I'm seeing you for the first time tom marrow. You called me on Fri and asked me why I cancelled an appt that was scheduled for today. I didn't have an appt scheduled for today. I don't think you believed me because you wanted me to come in regardless of it being only an hour and a half away. when my husbands at home I go no where without him or leave him alone for any set time as he will be up to no good. I will see you tomorrow 2:00pm I'm so nervous as you said i have to be screened to be in a group. ugh too overwhelming

T;

I tried to kill myself last week, I tired to overdose, but instead passed out for several hours. When I woke up I was a nervous wreck because I knew I somehow had to tell you. Please don't freak out now, I'm not suicidal now, I am just telling you I was and what happened.

GenCat

I'm so sorry, I hope you are able to reach out to your T and tell them what happened.

Dear t,

I saw you fifteen minutes ago. I wanted to tell you how bad I am feeling. How I just want to die. I don't even know if I'm at the point of acting on it or not. I'm tired of living life the way I am.

I wish I could have told you in person. I'm scared, but I don't wsnt to be hospitalized

Dear T, i am looking forward to seeing you tomorrow

ExT: I'm not as preoccupied with you as I once was. But I still think about you every day. And it's times like these when I wish I could reach out to you. You knew me so well, or at least I thought you did. Now I'm not so sure. NewT tells me that the good things I had with you were real. I'm not sure what to think these days.

I need some sleep. I'm restless these days, waking up tangled in my bed and sweating from whatever the nightmare du nuit is. I'm tired.

NewT also says I should think about writing you. But I'm not even sure what I'd say. All the words seem to have flown out of my head. And I'm so very tired.

I this an impasse?

Rapture?

Am I right to be leaving?

Dear T,

I'm at that place again where I'm like, "I'm all better. I don't really need T anymore. I'm good." But I'm scared because I'm acting (in my behaviors anyways) so much better and there is always an equal reaction in the opposite direction.

I'm so scared, T.

I don't know how much longer I can survive in this. I miss you and wish you could just be with me all.the.time. Or just make this go away. Make it stop. I want to tell you that I'm so afraid right now I'm starting to shake inside. That happened during our session once but I didn't tell you. T - I hate that I'm like this. I wish you could understand me because I sure don't understand myself

Why didn't you respond to my email? I felt vulnerable when I wrote that and you always respond. When I asked you about it, you seemed so flippant. It really upset me!

Dear t, I'm sorry I took up so much of your time today. I'm sorry I'm so needy. I don't understand why you are nice, why everyone in the office is so nice. I'm sorry my knee-jerk reactions are to deny help and push it away. I hope I did not say too much of the wrong thing today. I hope you heard me though. I hope you can see I'm not trying to be so needy and taxing... I'm just so spent. I hope I don't lose it completely before it's in place. I mentioned I wasn't sure how much longer I can keep this up. I'm nearing the end of my reserves. Please forgive me if I fail. I'm faster than the titanic. And I'm good at burning bridges (not intentionally, just another thing I screw up and do)...

i want to sleep all night that is all

Dear T,

Having a really bad day/night . This whole mess is so upsetting.

I feel worthless. I AM worthless. I have never been able to have a job or much of a life because of these stupid mental problems. I hate myself and wish that God would just take me from this earth very soon. I don't think anyone can help me. I am hopeless.

Dear T,

We are not going to have enough time tomorrow, since my world seems to have imploded. And I had a crappy bday again thanks to these people who are completely impossible.

Dear T, what on Earth went wrong in todays session? You didn't get me at all. What a disaster. Now i feel completely alone and like i am somehow broken.

So............................... the Client Before Me left yr office and on the way to the door she said, I'll call you mid week, as usual, and you told her something like, Sure, that'll be fine.

All this in front of me, to whom you have said,, because I txt ed you maybe every 3 wks or so... You want more from me, SAWE; I can tell.

It was unimaginably shaming. More than what, is the obvious question.
more than is healthy
more than is reasonable
more than is good for you
more than you are paying for
more than I want you to
more than is decently acceptable..........

and now I don't want to contact you,
ever,
in any way,
for any reason.
It's wayyy too shaming.

...... why do you even permit me to come back, T ?

Apparently, you've had no thought as to what this would do to me. How this would affect MY life. How this would affect my career. I will never be able to get over this. Why???? You thought I should be treated like a child? I'm a grown woman. I have some intelligence. I have feelings. How would like it if someone treated you or your family the way you treated me? Think about it. I'm so fed up. HOW COULD YOU? I need answers.

"What did you mean when you said I wanted more from you, T?"

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T, I have A question. Why do you seem so open and free with me some sessions, yet during other sessions you're much more "business like." Why can you not be consistent? Do you not realize that I thrive in consistency? You have known me for two years, you know everything about me. Why do you seem SO affected by me, and the things I say, and other times only slightly interested? Are you afraid of our closeness? Are you afraid that I'm going to "want more"? Because I do wish I could have more, you know this. You also know that I am a very logical person, and I understand (to the fullest extent) that once our "work" is done...there will never be more. Why can't you just let me enjoy you, enjoy our dynamics while we still have time? What are you so back and forth? It feels like one day you damn near love me, and the next I'm nothing more than a lost sole sitting in a chair in front of you. You once told me that you don't know how to be anything other than yourself. Obviously, that isn't true. I've seen the real you, I know who you are and how you work....and how we work. I don't know this "other you" who shows up from time to time...and quite honestly, I don't enjoy her. So please...please try to be more consistent with me, I need you to understand that this "back and forth" stuff is really, really hurting me. I'm sorry if you're having some sort of inner struggle over me, and I understand you're only human. I also understand that you chose this career path, and had to have known you would run into situations such as this. Please be gentle with my emotions, they are more fragile than they appear.

dear T,

to be honest i don't know if i can go on another 3 weeks without seeing you. irony now is, i don't really trust you. i go in the room blank headed... so why am i wondering about this?

- htn

T,
I think i have pushed you too far. I could tell by the tone of your voice when you left the message on my answer phone that you are pissed off with me.
I wish you could understand how i am feeling and what i am thinking.
I feel so lost and lonely.

Dear T,

I almost walked out. Some of the things say to me make me feel like I'm a little kid. It feels very controlling and stresses me out to the point I want to quit. Asking me in a condescending/sarcastic way what makes me suicidal, does not make me want to tell you. I already feel beyond uncomfortable as it is, you make me feel like I'm in court or something and have to justify my feelings. It makes me feel even worse and like I'm wasting your time because I don't have clear cut answers for you that will just explain everything, it's a lot more complex than that. I'm starting to think I made a mistake finally trying to get help again.

I feel so stupid because I always think of so many things I want to talk to you about outside of session but then during a session I can't seem to get my thoughts in line. What is wrong with me?