[Patoman04]

Yeah, I'm diagnosed psychotic, bipolar. Went to my first therapy session ever yesterday. I suppose it went well. Im a 21 yr old college guy. No friends. I dont fit in my family. Dont have anyone I like talking to. The T seems nice. We talked a little about my passion for skiing (thats all I ever talk about with anyone) She asked me about cutting and I just told her its my own way of coping and i dont plan to stop. There are a million things I have shoved down inside me that are making me suicidal. Im up to three attempts in the last year. I think about it a lot. Im really afraid to trust the T with these things. I guess its because of a bad experience with trust Ive had in the past. I was catholic (guess i kinda still am) and I went to confession to admit to doing something pretty bad. I thought the priest would keep things confidential, but after I talked to him, he gave me dirty looks and never acted the same way to me. Im scared if I mention these things to the T then she will become the same way. Ive been in the psych ward for two weeks total this year. I lied to the social workers there about everything. I feel stuck. If i dont tell her, I think i'll end up dead in the next year. But if I do tell her and she acts differently, I'll probably try and kill myself still. She already told me very clearly that I cant commit suicide and it kinda scared me when she said it. I dont know what to say. What is she going to say? Im being forced into this and I dont think im going to like it.

Pat... Do you wanna live and be happy? If you do, then its time to start doing things differently. Talk to this new T about the priest incident and your SI feelings, be honest . You dont have to tell T everything at once. You can even talk about why you don't want to tell them something for fear of reaction. 3 times this year, Its time to try something different don't ya think ? take care of yourself.

[sittingatwatersedge]

welcome to PC, Patoman. You will find support here 24/7 - its membership stretches all across the world and someone is bound to be here, most any time.

There's a lot of support to be had, from people who have brought all kinds of issues to therapy. A lot of compassion, and a whole lot of understanding from people who have been on that spot in the road.

Don't give up. the work takes some time, be patient with yourself.
I will put you in my rosary. Please come back and let us know how you go.

Pat, try not to take the confession thing to heart. I had a similar experience and the priest actually yelled at me in confession. Priests are not trained to deal with somethings. Therapists are. A therapist is a much better bet to get psychological assistance (in my opinion, and not dogging on priests at all). Good luck.

[WikidPissah]

Priests are trained in how to tell people about God, not in how to help people thru difficult times. Unfortunate but true. And the therapy room is nothing like the confessional.

If your t does judge you, you may find a new T. But I doubt she will, so try to be honest. I know it's hard, but it's the only way out.

[refika]

I understand what you're going through and had the same fears when I first started with my T a few months ago.

My T asked if I had suicidal thoughts and the first thing I said was if I told them I did, they would report me, so I'm not saying anything. T sensed that there was a trust issue and reassured me he wouldn't report me as long as I wasn't actually planning on doing anything anytime soon. That helped me take a step toward trusting T.

There have been MANY times I was afraid to tell T something for fear T would respond, react, or treat me differently. So far, nothing I told T has changed his behavior or way T views me. I would start by addressing these concerns with your new T. Come right out and tell them you have trust issues, you're very vulnerable, unstable, and you are afraid if you tell them things they will look at you differently. That could be a good ice breaker and establish the trust and mutual respect you need.

If your T is professional, decent, and knows their job, they will NOT look at you any differently no matter WHAT you tell them.

Hang in there, think of skiing to help you through the tough times, and know that you can always come to PC to talk about anything.

[Patoman04]

Thanks all for the support. I think the next time I go I will try talking about the trust issues I have. There are so many regrets, traumatic memories, and pains both physical and mental that I carry to this day. I hope I can talk about them without being judged. I have a tendency to believe whatever people say about me. Even to the point where I used to think I was gay just because kids in school called me fag. I'm taking a last chance at life. Gonna put my all in it. If I fail, lock me up. If I make it, you'll see me at x-games someday. I have the talent, just not the money.

[DelusionsDaily]

First I am sorry you are feeling so bad. If you still want to be Catholic and go to a confession where you aren't judged seek out a new priest. It really shouldn't be like that for you. I feel horrible that you had a bad experience. Second dont let the priests response stop you from telling T and getting the help you need. And if you get the same response from t find a new one. It suck right now but it can get better if you are completely honest with T.

[Patoman04]

I'm afraid of also getting attached to the T. I tend to get attached to compassionate people to the point that I get really depressed because of it. Does anyone have any idea how to prevent this? I dont want to have these emotions at all. I figure i'll be in therapy for at least 2 years which seems like a lot of time to bond with the T. I guess not wanting attachment and pain that comes from it is just another way I have trust issues.

[3velniai]

well, I'm afraid therapy is a lot about attachment, don't think you can avoid it. Well, maybe some ppl can. Maybe it depends on the type of therapy you're in.

I've been trying to be in therapy without getting attached to the T, I worked real hard to avoid it, but well... I must say There is something good about it once you stop fighting it and the process feels different then, somehow more natural and more easy. My point is, it's not as hard /scary/bad/insert whatever word you want here as I thought it would be.

wow you just started a few minutes ago and people have already begun posting on your wall. wow that's impressive. i'm surprised they haven't even said anything to me yet.