[northgirl]

I'm not sure where this belongs and I don't want to alarm anyone...

I've been struggling for a few weeks now, and especially over the recent 10 days or so have been suicidal, not in making any plans necessarily, but definitely wishing I was dead and not feeling any hope of getting better with recurrent and intrusive episodes of panic and desperation. Haven't been seeing my T regularly in individual for a since last fall, but semi-regularly in group.

I have been offered a crisis appt. for early next week but am not ready to bounce in and announce how I've been feeling...I'm ok with saying all the circumstances that have made my life a living hell of late but the elephant in the room I'm not ready to admit to T. Does anyone have personal experience in such a situation or have any advice for how I can approach it?

[WePow]

I have found that just being frank with my T helps. I often stay very much on the low end. Not that I will take action... but just that I walk a very very very fine line. What I find is that by letting my T know what is going on, T can use his skills to help assess where I am. He gets to really know if I am in danger verses the usual "I wish..." stuff that PTSD causes me to have.

It is good to talk on PC as well.

I went in because of those feelings specifically and just kind of said, I am here because I feel like this. We went from there.

Good luck and I hope you feel better quickly.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Admitting that you're feeling suicidal is hard, even when you've been seeing your T regularly.

When I'm at that point, I tend to tell my T that my thoughts are scaring me. I won't outright say that I'm suicidal, but I will tell her that I've been feeling like I need to escape, to get away, and I don't feel like I have many options for how to do that. My T has gotten to know me well enough to know what that means. T always takes me seriously. We talk about where I'm at mentally, and how much at risk I feel, and what I can do to lower that risk or stay safe. And, just once, I knew there was no way to ease in to it, and didn't want to in any way minimize what I was feeling, and just told T that I needed my pain to end and the only way I saw to do that was to die. Fortunately, T didn't freak out on me and we talked through how I was feeling, and T got me to see that there were other options.

[Fixated]

T knew I had attempted sui before, but I was not suicidal until 8 months into therapy. I just all of the sudden started having feelings of compulsion. I wrote it all down of a piece of paper which I had in a death grip the entire session.

I was anxious as anything, sat down, and somehow managed to say that I had something big going on. She kinda starting guessing, which wasn't my intention, but she eventually guessed it with my clues.

I would write it on a piece of paper. If all else fails, you can just hand it to T.

[Willowleaf]

It was really hard to raise with my t but I ended up saying my thoughts scred me and I just needed it all to stop. She was really good and helped to deal with some of the stuff that was making me feel that me. Since then I have been able to bring it up every time it gets bad as I know she can cope and won't react. How well do you know t? I really hope they are able to help as its a horrible place to be and a crisis appointment next week isn't exactly helpful when the problems are right now. I think a lot of us here know these feelings so keep posting if it helps.

[northgirl]

Thanks everyone. It helps me feel a little less anxious, at least. And I had the option to see T ASAP but can't with my current circumstances. (spring break)

[photostotake]

I was brutally honest with T this past Monday and he ended up calling the crisis team on me and wouldn't let me leave the office without speaking with them first. I had absolutely no plans to carry anything through and told him as much many times that day, but the things I said to him triggered him into taking action for my own safety. After I spoke with the crisis T, they agreed I was safe and let me go home. Had I refused to speak with them, I would have been brought down to the ER or had a visit to my home by the police had I left. I will admit that I am upset with my T and not looking forward to seeing him again on Friday. I had to sign a contract saying I would keep my appt on Friday and return to see him. Not feeling very trusting of my T at the moment. It's going to take some time to rebuild that trust we had so I can feel that I can be open and honest with him once again. And yes, I know he did it all for my own safety, but it still hurt.

Hope you're feeling better Northgirl. I know hard it is.

[learning1]

Just wanted to say thanks for posting this and I hope it goes well Northgirl.