T cares

My t really cares and it made so happy I cried. After our tough session about abuse the other day, I kind of went a bit mad and told t I couldnt do it anymore via text.
The session was so hard and as it turns out where the abuse took place was just beside where my t lived...I didn't know she lived there otherwise I would never have told her that. She seemed really curious about it all and I think it struck a nerve with her.
I told her about my ex and how she abused me too, right from the moment we met. T asked me how she did it and what happened, she was horrified and afterwards I freaked out because I had never told anyone the extent in which my ex abused me and what she did to me. T s face went all red and she became agitated- moving around in her seat. She said it was so sad because I just want somebody to love me but just haven't found the right person yet. She asked why I like older women and I said they feel safer but that has not been the case for me anyway.
After the session I felt exposed and yucky, so I sent t text terminating.
She replied next day with the loveliest text nd i cried so much, that she cared. We agreed to meet up next week and talk about everything and then maybe take a few weeks off.
The details I told t keep goign around and around in my head and it feels horrible

Button30.... you were very brave...and courageous.... even though it feels bad now... its the beginning of healing... you no longer carry this alone and that will eventually lead to feeling better...

the unfortunate part is that the telling seems to make you feel worse... my T described it as surgery... technically after you have surgery you are healthier than before surgery but you might feel worse for a time...

You made a real breakthrough and though it may feel yucky right now, it will end up feeling better. You made a real human connection with your therapist. Why give up on that? We all want to be understood and appreciated for who we are, even when we feel yucky. She was able to do this. What a remarkable and precious thing. Savor it and continue.

You went, and talked about what you couldn't really speak about, and then it felt bad, and you left, and you let your therapist know it felt bad, and she responded, and then you responded to her. This is sounding like progress, although I understand the details in between are very very painful.

I wonder if it's hard to trust that T will really help and support you even when emotionally naked, but there are indications she will so it's really tempting to trust her, and hard to trust her too. Is it like that. Maybe I've got it all mixed up.

Sometimes the best disinfectant is sunshine. I wonder if in the end having put what happened to you in the sunlight, with at least one person, and not hidden it inside, will help in the end. I hope so, but I don't know if that always works.
I remember when I had a secret (about my T dumping me and claiming she was being oh-so-professional, and to top it off I knew she was handling it wrong but didn't care because I was so attached) that I couldn't tell others that it felt like it just poisoned me. Talking about it here periodically has really helped me, even though most or no one (I have no idea who reads this and will recognize parts of my story) even knows who I am.

I do hope it brings you relief in the end, although I recognize how hard it is to be feeling complete exposed, and not liking the exposed picture, and everything is on hold until the next session.

I wish you the wind at your back, at least until your next session with T

button30 I'm so glad your T is so caring and she doesn't want you to be alone with this. It will get better - you will feel better - this is hard right now and so fresh and so new (newly brought to light). I understand not wanting to go back, not wanting to go back to T. Keep the trust, and rely on that if you can: You trust your T.

I'm so glad you have been able to work through this

Wow! You did great work to let another human help you carry that pain.
It is very natural to nor want to face that person again who knows our pain and what we know about that pain. You are doing great to just let yourself process through this step. Be kind to yourself over the next few days.

Thats a great analogy from your t and it exactly how it is I hope the feelings will pass soon. I just hope that t follows through with her caring and comes through for me.

Thank you Iota, it felt really nice to be able to tell t what happened and to have her tell me it was ok and I didn't make it happen, I didn't deserve it. it felt so good for her to tell me that and for her to just sit and listen.

Syra, what a beautiful way to describe, letting the sunlight in I will treasure that. I am so sorry about your therapist. I hate the way they can have so much power over us and hurt us instead of heal. Remember to keep talking about it.
I don't trust anyone, not after everything thats happened and after my last t said she wasn't going anywhere and she did but I think I am trying to push this t away before she hurts me but I honestly don't want to push her away and I don't think she will ever terminate me but I know it can't last forever and that hurts.
She reaches out to me all the time but I don't let her in and she usaully hugs me but she didn't this time and that hurt too.

Thank you for understanding how hard it is to open up and let someone else see your pain. I hide everything inside and tell no one so opening up to t was soooo big for me.

s

I am SO glad that your T was so wonderful with you. I know that you feel vulnerable, but if you can tolerate this while trusting your T (at YOUR own pace), it will really be healing for you. You are now really hitting the hard stuff, but it will be so worth it in the end. Lean on your T, and of course, us Sending you safe hugs.

thanks Button. and I agree iwth you. I hate the way they can so much power. And I watched it happen, and let it happen, knowing I was ambivalent about it (I wondered if what was happening was crossing boundarires, and I LOVED it) thanks for encouraging me to talk. It's hard - I sound like a whackjob - but easier here.

You said it syra, we let it happen! That is what hurts the most letting somebody inside to a place no one has ever gone and not being sure if they will threat this trust properly or get rid of us as soon as they find out what the real us is.
My t tells me that we give others power over us and it is our responsibility to teach others how to threat us.
So I get not being able to talk to others about this that's why I love coming on here and discussing things you can't talk about in rl

It is hard to trust again, but it seems unfair to hold one person responsible for someone else's hurtful behavior. As you said in your posts, *this T* is giving you good reasons to trust her. Maybe with more good reasons, you will be able to. That would feel better