[granite1]

what i would say to my T if i could

SO,ARE YOU ENJOYING THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING????
how could you ask me that? two weeks ago you talked to me about self compassion. it was so terrifying and confusing . i left there feeling so horrible .like you finely happened on the most horrible secrete that i have kept hidden.you see that i am like the mother,exactly like that monster.that i am really nothing inside, that i will never be anything. nothing but being self absorbed, full of self pity ,hate and anger. now you see how disgusting everything in me really is. i am full of complete self loathing for who i am. when looking at me that is all there is. nothing but vile,evil,foul disgustingness.

i know i am not the easiest person to have to deal with. i know this . it felt so horrible to walk in your office knowing what you know of me . but then to see that stupid chair backed into the corner again ,and the loud music . it just made thing even more horrible. god i hated everything about me being there. i just knew you did also. i swear i couldn't think anything straight.so i just panicked. i swear i didn't know i could feel even more vile then i already do. but sitting in that office and being surrounded with all that seemed so grim. i felt that all you wanted was for me to just disappear, to become so insignificant. if felt like i just couldn't exist and i was so scared.

although i am a bit calmer now all i can really think about is why did you ask me that . it reminds me of the mother locking me in my room for the week of spring break because of a bad report card and then getting me up the morning we need to be back at school smiling and asking "am i ready to get back to school ?" feeling like did this week just happen? was it real? like is all this really going on as i sit in this office. what was going on in my head and around me just was to far away from what you asked. kind of like playing the game what one of these pictures is not like the others. anyway sorry for everything

[tooski]

What she asked you about the first day of spring is a very normal thing. Maybe she said it to show you that she regards you as a regular human being and not some awful, horrible creature like you are feeling right now. Maybe it was meant to reassure you that she will regard you no differently after what you told her. That it made no difference - you are granite, not your mother!!

It was such a brave thing you did and of course there's going to be a rebound effect. It's to be expected. You are hurting, and therapy is working. I hope you can hang in there and work through all this, I hope with your old T and if that's not possible with a new one. But you are making such good progress I hope you can get past this.

Give your T a chance to show you that these feelings you have are not from her, but in your head. See her in person and listen to what she says instead of projecting your own thoughts onto her. She cares about you, and so do a lot of other people. A bunch of them are here at PC!

Hugs and blessings

[CantExplain]

((Granite))

I can hear your distress. The big trigger is the thing about your mother.

You am not like your mother. You're facing your issues and slogging your guts out over them, and your mother never even tried.

[BonnieJean]

I wish you could let your t know, granite.

[Fixated]

Granite, I'm going to try a little tough love here because I really feel a kinship to your struggle to speak and bare your soul.

I think you really need to go back and meet with T. Take a list of all the questions you've ever wanted to ask her. And then ask them. No extra discussion until the end. Have her answer every uncertainty you have.

There is something to be said for finding a T who works in a manner that nurtures your personal way of expression, but you do not seem to really be leaving this T over that.

To me, you're leaving because you've told secrets, and you're scared of her reaction.

But there is this huge, huge possibility that you have misinterpreted your T. You said yourself that the spring question reminded you of a time that you were traumatized. There's still an opportunity to go back and get to the bottom of things....to discuss with your T.

Would it help you to not give a s*** what your T thinks of you? It seems like your perception of her opinions is a real sticking point in your therapy. Why give a hoot what she thinks about you? She is there to help you. I know from experience how hard it is not to care about our perception to T. Therapists are taught all about positive regard, and from what you've written on this forum, you T has always treated you with respect.

So maybe go out and try other Ts if you want, but I personally think (from what I read) that you have a great relationship going already. You could benefit so much from continuing to confront your perceptions of T and discussing them instead of walking out.

[granite1]

thanks for all the hugs and responses.you have all got to be so tired of this. thank you so much.i think i am holding on to this place like a tether to something real.

my husband said he feels so helpless, he doesn't know how to help me or what to do. i feel so bad for him. i don't want him around. i don't want to talk to him. i don't know how to make him not worry.i cant even figure out how to talk to him . i have waves of being OK like now.it is quiet and my head is not in a loop of very confusing things.i cant move most of the time i don't want to .i just want to be OK and i don't understand why all this is so hard. honestly none of this feels real at all,none of it .everything seems so thick and heavy. i keep getting stuck. how long can i behave like this and have my husband not leave me. he is all i have left and i cant even see him most of the time. i think he wants to get rid of me also. I'm scared but understand he can't deal.who could.why am i doing this. and stupid S H I T i am why don't i just stop.

[WikidPissah]

You are NOT vile.
You are NOT stupid.
You are NOT disgusting.

((((Chickie)))). What ever you decide to do, I'll be here for you. I am sorry it is so hard right now. It gets easier.

[sconnie892]

Granite

[unaluna]

I had that feeling of I couldn't move, when I lost my job and had to move back to the mother's. I was trying to pack and I couldn't take a step without crying, and I rarely cry. My pdoc ended up putting me on xanax just so I could function, but I was pretty much a zombie for the next few years, until I could move out again and recover. Yeah fun times - not.

[Willowleaf]

I wish I could say the right thing but you are not any of the things you say you are in that post. You sound scared and upset, but that's only natural. Your therapist has managed to trigger some really deep emotions and memories and now you are having to live with the consequence. There is a high chance though that she does not think what you think she does. I have been in a similar place and I managed to email my therapist explaining I couldn't work with someone who felt like that about me and she managed to convince me that it wasn't true. I am glad now I stuck with it as she has been brilliant, but I had several periods like you describe. You can do this. You give so much good advice to others, but its hard to be positive to yourself, but you do deserve it.
You're now giving yourself the added worry of your H. That's really rough. Try to hear when people say they care. You are worth it, and this too will pass. But let people help you, you deserve it as much as anyone else.