Nurturing/reparenting the inner child?

I seem to be at a stage in therapy where the 'inner child' keeps coming out and wreaking havoc, having tantrums... My therapist tells me I need to 'accept her' and 'love her', and I'm trying, but it's not made easier when I feel like 'she' is sabotaging my therapy with her demands, neediness, and aggression.

I never thought I'd be in therapy, going along with this concept, but it feels very real, like through the therapeutic process we have been uncovering this 'true self', the 'wounded child', hiding behind all the defenses, that never grew up or learned to deal with her emotions. I guess different modes of therapy may have different ideas about what this is, a 'child part' or a different 'self state'... I feel like this a different 'mode' I go into, get triggered into, typically when with my therapist. I do have various issues with dissociation, but I wouldn't say this is an 'alter' to the extent of DID, as I remain aware of what's going on.

I feel it's important for this 'child' to be 'reparented', that she feel safe and accepted so that she/I can heal and grow.

There is mother/daughter transference in my relationship with my therapist, and it feels healing when she is able to meet those early needs - with a hug, for instance. I feel that safe touch like that is an important part of my therapy, helping me to bond and trust and feel on an emotional level - I'm typically a person 'stuck in my head', in rationality, never being able to 'let people in'...

So, inside of therapy I have my hugs, and at home I have got a cuddly toy to pacify my inner child at bedtime. What else can I do, and what else can I get my therapist to do, to help?

I have tried to use drawing and writing, but this hasn't been successful as of this time, maybe because the 'child' is at a preverbal stage?

I wondered if anyone could share ideas, or things that they have found to help nurture their inner child/child part/child alter/'little'? Things the therapist did that helped? I know the idea is to learn to reparent and soothe ourselves, but at this stage I feel I need my T to model being the healthy 'parent'..? I may have this backwards, but I feel like I need to feel like my T accepts her, so that I can too. My T assures me she DOES accept my inner child, but I feel like the child needs demonstrations of this.. ?

Any suggestions or sharing of experiences welcomed

I've done some intensive psychoanalytic work that almost require "regression" though the idea is that you can have the strength to "come out" of that and continue your life. I have had periods of pre-verbal regression that were very intense. They didn't happen in session, but when I tried to call my therapist to reach out, it was really difficult at first because I was barely able to be verbal. Luckily he has lots of experience so was able to calm me down enough to re-establish a connection to a way to verbalize my experience.

My current therapist doesn't believe in "re-parenting" per se, but he does believe that fundamental "reparations" happen in the intimacy of the therapeutic relationship that relate to early developmental failures. It is a bit more broadly conceived than the idea that there is an inner child. It more like a structure that has some weak points, even though the actual experiences are more like feeling "little" or "young" and then when asked where I am or what age I feel, I'm actually able to get out of dissociation into a partial foothold into the here and now. It really depends on so many factors, your history, your therapist and their approach, what your life is like, what current relationships you have, all sorts of things, too many to list.

I just posted a thread about being stuck at earlier ages/stages. When my T and I did Internal Family Systems work in the beginning of my therapy with her, she asked "what does that baby or child need from you". I said she wanted to be held, and my T asked if "she knows I'm there". I, being me, the adult. I was never quite sure, so my T said to imagine a circle with her, my adult Self, and a close friend of mine, in a circle around the baby, passing her from one to another.

One time the child wanted T to hold her hand so she did, and that helped a lot. But the emphasis was always on me giving that part of me what she needed. I don't know if your T would hold your hand or not, but I still feel it was a very healing aspect of my therapy. Even though she won't do it now, I can still "feel" her hand holding that child's. It was a loving thing for my T to do to make that child feel safe. Sometimes she would take her hand away slowly and ask if I could still feel it.

Holding my grandchildren's hands helps me a lot too. Holding or hugging kids is a good way to nurture the inner child. I also love to hold stuffed animals sometimes. Soft blankies are an idea too. What about playing in the sand? That's something I do that my child parts love. They love coloring too, but you said that didn't work. So try doing something "childlike" that you like to do.

My T gave me homework last session, and that was to very mindfully put lotion on my arms every day. Doing it feels soothing. Maybe you could try that? Put it on all over and really feel how nice it feels! (if it does).

These are just some suggestions. I think having a T who is there for you and who will hug you is reparenting, too.

Good luck with this. I know it's hard!!

My voice movement therapy t would hold me, it was extremely healing to the part of me that never got held as a child.

I found guided mindful self-compassion meditations to be helpful. You can google it and websites will come up.

Also hugging myself helps. I seriously never thought I would be hugging myself to feel good, but it helps. Apparently the brain doesn't necessarily know if there is or isn't another person hugging you, it just knows a hug is happening and releases oxytocin.

Have been thinking about this. Schema therapy would say that the vulnerable child and angry modes are different- the role of the healthy adult is to reparent the vulnerable child, and to moderate the angry child. Think the Antz book (ST for BPD) talks about this So it might help to identify which mode is coming out, and whether the angry child is a defence for the vulnerable child?

My T is strict on no touch but unconventional in other ways. Things that have worked for me in terms of reparenting:
Each year, T asks me what I want for my birthday present.
*For my birthday two years ago, I asked for a blanket. It is a bit of a 'security' blanket and I take it wherever I'm sleeping. I wrap up safe and warm in it and feel enveloped in T's love and care.
*For my birthday a year ago, I asked for a doll. T chose one with my hair colour, with its own coat, scarf and hat. I take it to sessions and T holds it in her arms like a baby (I got this idea from Hankster- thanks!). When I'm putting my shoes, coat on etc ready to leave, T puts the doll's coat on and gives her a hug and a kiss. I have the doll on my bed at home and just seeing it reminds me to take care of myself and what I'm actually dealing with.
*T has also recorded me 'stories' (about things we have done together etc) and I sometimes play these falling asleep.

All of this has lessened over time and I do feel much more 'grown up' than I used to. These days, I am more likely to care for myself than to turn to T. I think I have internalised her voice, as I talk to myself much more kindly these days. I am also practising some 'compassionate hand' type exercises, and did this in session with T's hand so I could remember the warmth and care, and recreate it myself.

Re the angry child, I sometimes find it helps to have a (kind) giggle at her together. For example, a few weeks ago I was quite upset with T and she was talking about how one day she will come to my wedding. In angry child mode I blurted out 'Well you're not invited!' and she caught my eye and we both ended up laughing because it was so stereotypical of when I was small and we were all 'well you're not coming to my party' Importantly, I am always the one to spot the humour, and I never feel that T is laughing *at* me. For you this may not be helpful. I wonder whether you could use an approach like that of IFS to ask the angry child to step aside, so that your T can access the vulnerable child?

Hope this mish mash helps a bit!

(((JSG))))
I think I wrote this post, it sounds almost EXACTLY like what is going on with me. In my opinion, you are spot on that your T needs to model how to care for your child part while in session. My T actually talked to this part of me, and this part of me responded, although it was just a feeling. When I first started with this T, I had trouble with his no call policy unless it was an emergency, and that part of me flooded with me to a point that I couldn't really think straight, and I basically just reacted. So, thinking about a solution, I asked about twice a week, and he agreed. A few weeks later, I decided to go to two weeks/one session then the third week/two sessions. This seems to be okay with my child part as I felt no upheaval. I think your task (and mine) is to figure out what your child part needs, and if she is flooding you with emotions, that's a good indication that she doesn't like whatever is going on. My T has been open to my suggestions, and I have assured him that I don't plan on using this just to see him more often. I am honest with him and tell him what is going on with that part of me. For example, I thought about going three weeks with only one session per week, and waiting until the fourth week to go two, and I FELT that part of me threaten to overwhelm me with emotion. It wasn't in favor. So, maybe it just needs time? IDK. I feel for you, and totally understand what you are going through. PM me if you ever feel the need or if you just want to chat Keep us posted!

Cutest post ever!! You have an awesome relationship with your therapist minneymouse.

I think that some of my resistance to the "inner child" is about how the concept can sometimes get stuck on the "child" piece as if only certain things nurture children (and not adults). In some ways, being a parent to your own actual child is nurturing to all parts of you, because play is fun, including building stuff in the sand, building blocks, I have really loved building train track sets, making art/craft projects together. So being a parent gives you an excuse to do these things, but they are fun as an adult too. We can "play" as adults with or without our children.

But in terms of my own inner world, the most nurturing thing I have done is just to sit with my younger self and be willing to listen to what she has to say. Communicating back helps too. But mostly, especially when she is wreaking havoc, as you put it, I find that is a request to listen. If I can tune in and be quiet, I can usually get what she's saying. From having my own kid, I can definitely say that listening is really an important nurturing behavior. As it is sometimes said, don't just DO something, sit there (and listen).

Hi Everyone,
Minneymouse, your t sounds awesome! I'm someone who has benifited by touch in therapy in the past, and would probably always apreciate it if it was something the t was comfortable doing. But all her other creative unconventional ideas are awesome and really show she does care! I'm so happy she bought you those presents, recorded her voice, ETC. You guys seem to have such a great relationship.

You are seeing her as negative now? If you could change this viewpoint I think that it would help. She is hurting. She deserves compassion.

And I would switch this around to you [Just_Some_Girl] are hurting, and you deserve compassion.

My T and I have been addressing preverbal issues as well. She offered a baby doll for me to hold in a recent session and it felt a bit awkward. I told her so, however, I have found much healing in cradling my breast in one hand and patting it like you would a newborns or babies little bottom. It may sound silly but it works wonders for my sense of security and meets the need I had as an infant to be held and reassured! Sometimes I sing to "little me" as I do this and the sensory feel and touch and sound of patting and rocking and singing as my other hand pats my upper chest near my collar bone gives a very deep sense of wholeness and love for self. I have found that I am sleeping longer stretches and more deeply and my dreams are more and more positive instead of scary and panicky feeling. I am able to wake slowly and roll over and back to sleep! Something I haven't done in years! Who knew!? This journey is often full of surprises and finding what works for you is often the challenge!
Just breathing and trusting