Therapists Breaking their own Boundaries

My T is letting me email him over his month long vacation. Since seeing this T, I have respected his boundaries. He understands me more than xT did, he has training in DID and trauma. His approach is in getting to the root of the problem and.he.gets me and he trusts me. I don't make threats in email either. I was just thinking of some other possible complications that might arise. I do think email is good for many people, but outside of Ts vacation, it isn't a good choice for me. So, ultramar, I think that how the therapist sets his boundaries in relation to the client is important. If a therapist doesn't have the training in or understand the client's issues and how to handle them, it could escalate the client. Likewise, the client could escalate the therapist. There are so many factors involved.
I just asked my T if I have ever crossed his boundaries yet, and he said, no. I used to have these issues, and suspect I am not cured, but I have been respectful with my current T.

Maybe this is clear, but just to make sure, this is hypothetical, not the situation with me/my therapist -he's flexible, no 'scolding', etc. I was just curious about what people think of these scenerios.

Thanks for your comments, Antimatter!

I could see a T easily forgetting how many emails that week they had received from a client and responding to an important email, even if it officially broke a rule they had established with a patient. A T probably gets a ton of emails each day and if he accidentally responded to you, well, so it goes. Certainly talk to him about this if it is bothering you, is confusing, etc. Perhaps you can try harder to uphold the boundary on your end so this situation doesn't arise again? You asked if you were "justified" in now sending your T additional emails each week. I would say don't deliberately cross the boundary until you have discussed it. Respect what you have already established even though your T did respond to your extra email in a time of need. T's boundary, after all, was that you only email once a week, not that he would not respond to additional, something-really-big-came-up emails.

I would say no, you are not "justified." It is interesting how you use that word again! The boundary was that you not email more than once. You broke it. Don't criticize him for not bawling you out for your transgression. You're not a child who needs punishment after disobeying. As an adult, you can take responsibility, recognize your error (instead of focusing on what your T did), and try not to repeat it. You could also apologize for breaking the boundary: "Hey, I'm sorry for the extra email last week when Big Thing happened. I really appreciate your responding even though I know you asked me to email only once." That might be a good opener to further discussion of the boundary, if you are confused about it, would like to alter it, etc. Good luck!

I think there's a difference between "justified" and "therapeutic".

In the situation you outline, the T is failing to be responsible, because he is changing boundaries without saying anything about it. In the absence of an explanation, I think this is potentially confusing for a client, especially if the boundary returns.

I feel like if we all based our behavior on what's "justified", though, we'd all be in trouble. I have trouble relating to wanting to cross boundaries, because I pretty much don't. I did, however, have a close friendship with someone who would do just exactly this... she would occasionally poke at boundaries, looking for an opening to do what she wanted to do. And if it was ever the case that I or our other friends didn't push back, she'd go straight through with the "but you didn't say no last time" thing. For a while, we shared a workspace, and bit by bit, she would leave it messier and messier, to the point where she wasn't even bothering to put trash in the trash can, I kid you not. She was going through some personal stress at the time, so I let it go a couple times. But when that stressful period was over and she kept doing it, I finally confronted her and she blamed me for not telling her earlier not to leave trash everywhere. This is a really basic and straightforward example, but it was true with so many things that one by one, she lost all of her closest friends, only able to maintain friendships with those that were far away.

Now, it's true that I didn't tell her not to leave trash everywhere. But it's also true that she knew better than to leave trash everywhere. So was she justified? I don't know. But I do know that she'd have been better off just trying to be a good friend and maybe getting some practice in adult behavior (she was always really really messy). So focusing on whether or not she had successfully found some kind of friendship loophole really didn't help her get any closer to interacting with people in a healthy manner. She just got whatever temporary gratification she got by leaving trash on the floor. Maybe that's worth it to her, but it wouldn't be to me.

It's true that boundaries are a big topic in therapy -- some people push them, some people won't even come near them. However, it's THERAPY, not a free-for-all. What disturbs me about your scenario is not just that the T doesn't say anything... but that the client doesn't either. My T has sometimes changed boundaries without saying anything, but I usually ask him about it. Nowhere here does the client first say, "Hey, so I appreciate your letting me e-mail more than once a week last week. Is that ok for me to do in emergencies?" Instead, quite purposefully, the client pushes on it to see how long it will hold, rather than discussing how helpful e-mailing that extra time was, and whether it would be worth considering multiple e-mails per week. To me, there is a vast difference between crossing a boundary in a tough situation and then revisiting it, and crossing a boundary in a tough situation and then continuing to cross it as long as nobody says "no", and purposely not asking about it in order to milk that implicit "approval" for all it's worth.

I lay a lot of responsibility at the T's feet to keep everything on a therapeutic track. However, if a client is doing the "not no means yes" thing in order to cross what used to be an explicit boundary... whether it's justified or not, they must be aware that they are pushing their luck, otherwise they would just ask about the boundary (or not push at all, of course). Only a superficial level of self-examination is required to see that this is probably not a productive behavior.

This is really interesting. It sounds like the -much- better relationship with this therapist (he sounds validating, ready and willing to get to the root of problems, trustworthy, etc.) has actually led you to have better boundaries with him. I wonder if sometimes (and I say sometimes, because there could be all sorts of reasons) patients have poorer boundaries with therapists they don't have that kind of solid relationship with for whatever reasons? Though I suspect -as you've pointed out re attachment styles, etc.- it also has to do with where people are in their journey.

What is it, you think, about this current therapist that facilitates you having better boundaries than with the previous therapist? Maybe T's could learn from this, huh?

If it were me, I'd be thankful that T accepted and responded to my email and resume what we've agreed on - one email a week.

I wouldn't start pushing boundaries about something that has already been agreed upon. If it was really important to email more, then that is something that needs to be discussed face to face in a session.

The whole keep-emailing-because-he-gave-in-once seems rude and inconsiderate. JMHO.

I am a little hurt, but not offended. I am a person, and I don't and won't describe myself in the terms that are written above.

I am not ashamed of who I am.

Namaste

I don't see that labeling or pointing fingers at any diagnosis is useful or supportive here. Just my opinion.

My t said that We both break boundaries when We occasionally hug. We both ask first If It's ok. This is a rare occurrence, usually when he is leaving on vacation. So We mutually accept breaking boundaries , and I Feel that's ok. Because It's mutual, note one sided.

I think it's a fair thing to say....that pushing relationship boundaries is typically a borderline issue, just like mood swings are bipolar-like.

No one's saying, "Hey, all you borderline people, yeah YOU! I'm picking on you."

It's more of a "yeah that's typical of borderline diagnoses", hence why DBT was creating to try and help curb this.

Facts are facts. Doesn't mean it applies to EVERYONE, but in general that is a borderline thing. It doesn't mean non-borderline people don't do the same thing.....they do, but it is a TYPICAL and NOTED part of a borderline diagnosis.

I am a little hurt, but not offended. I am a person, and I don't and won't describe myself in the terms that are written above.

I am not ashamed of who I am.

Namaste

Us PTSD folks wouldn't dream of over stepping. We can't even come close to a boundary because they are so frightening to us. One behavior isn't better or worse than the other...it's just opposite behavior. I was only trying to point out a reason for the differing replies. I meant no harm to anyone.

Let's say my therapist and I have agreed that I