[tinyrabbit]

HealingTimes' thread was rather timely for me because I've been going through something similar this week, namely feeling like I want to say I'm quitting but not actually wanting to quit. I didn't trust my T at all at first. Gradually, I've started to, but sometimes it's like this fog descends and I become absolutely convinced that he hates me, he wants to get rid of me, he doesn't care about me and he thinks it's pathetic if I want to talk to him about my problems.

So I'll insist that he doesn't care, take everything he says the wrong way, then email or text him saying I feel like I don't want to come back. I never actually say: I'm not coming back. Just that I feel like I don't want to. I'm like a teenager stropping about how he doesn't understand. On Tuesday for example, I told my T he didn't care about me and this was just one more place where I wasn't allowed to get upset. I was wearing this hat with cat ears on it. My T asked: "How old do you feel right now?" And I said: "Not very," and pulled the hat down over my face.

Later, the fog lifts and I think: really? Do I really think he hates me and doesn't care? If that was the case, he would have taken the first opportunity to get rid of me, instead of saying it's up to me but he hopes I'll come back and talk to him about it. Then I just feel really pathetic and ridiculous for acting the way I have. I keep thinking that everyone else just goes into therapy and talks to their T, and I'm the only one having these ridiculous dramas, but I suspect it's actually not the case so I'm posting here in the hope of feeling like maybe I'm not the only one. I wouldn't blame my T if he was sick of me. I'm sick of me.

[stopdog]

I do not think the therapist cares and I know she does not listen.
I don't think of it as being ridiculous. They set up the system like this.

[2or3things]

Just wanted to let you know that my therapy certainly isn't drama free. Ugh...I know exactly the sort of thing you're talking about...too well.

Hang in there, though, I think things eventually settle down. I think.

[maggyjo]

I am in the same position also. I often feel like my T is just going through the motions and I wonder if it just my perception or what.

I have email T and we have talked about it some, but I mostly just get psych babble. How children are so egocentric and we believe we are bad because bad things happened blah blah blah.

I have come to trust T, but I don't know how to get through the wanting to quit, but not wanting to quit. And T must hate me, why would T care?

Thanks for at least making me feel like I am not alone and helping to clear up what I really need to focus on between me and my T.

Maggyjo

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I do not think the therapist cares and I know she does not listen.
I don't think of it as being ridiculous. They set up the system like this.

I'm really sorry you feel this way Stopdog. I always feel very sad when I read about how you feel about therapy.

Originally Posted by maggyjo

I have email T and we have talked about it some, but I mostly just get psych babble. How children are so egocentric and we believe we are bad because bad things happened blah blah blah.

This actually isn't just babble, though. Believing you are bad or worthless is a defense mechanism that develops if the people you need to look after you, comfort and reassure you, ie your parents, are a source of fear or maltreatment. It develops to help you survive as a kid, but it damages you horribly because it feels like the truth.

[stopdog]

Sorry - not trying to be sad. I was trying to add support. I just cancelled the appointment for next week because of how frustrated I am over how little the woman seems to understand what I am saying. She will be gone the week after that. Some of the drama for me is how much I want to have her understand and to be able to convey that she understands to me.

I can delete if you would like. It does not bother me that the therapist does not care. It bothers me a great deal that the woman will not listen to or hear me.

[tinyrabbit]

No need to delete your post. What I mean is: I think it's a shame that you often say your T doesn't understand, and I'm not surprised it bothers you, as it would bother me too.

[precious things]

I've had a few similar experiences with therapies over the years. They are painful to go through but ultimately, with each one (and this has been a process drawn out over years for me) you learn it has nothing to do with who is sitting in that room with you. It is about you and your ability to trust and feel safe. If that has been severely deficient in your life or abused in any way, it can feel unbearable and almost too painful to believe that you in a safe and accepted space. So you push and pull away when really what you want to know is that you are accepted. I am beginning to see that when you can get rid of this tug of war, that you can begin the work on the deeper issues instead of living in the session to session drama with the T.

[pbutton]

I have no shortage of drama. The man told me I was allowed to email anytime, anything, everything that would be helpful to me, but to be aware that he may not always be able to reply. I was MORTIFIED that he thought I could overwhelm him and send him too much. I instantly vowed to never email him again. (Totally NOT WHAT HE WAS TRYING TO CONVEY. Rationally, I understand this. Emotionally, I'm a big mess about it.)

I so totally get all of those feelings.... went through it all with my xT... one of the reasons he is xT...I just couldn't deal with myself being like that and it was just too painful a process...

so totally not doing therapy that way again...

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by precious things

I've had a few similar experiences with therapies over the years. They are painful to go through but ultimately, with each one (and this has been a process drawn out over years for me) you learn it has nothing to do with who is sitting in that room with you. It is about you and your ability to trust and feel safe. If that has been severely deficient in your life or abused in any way, it can feel unbearable and almost too painful to believe that you in a safe and accepted space. So you push and pull away when really what you want to know is that you are accepted. I am beginning to see that when you can get rid of this tug of war, that you can begin the work on the deeper issues instead of living in the session to session drama with the T.

This is brilliantly insightful and describes exactly what's happening with me right now. Thank you. I guess the thing is to go through the tug of war and come out the other side. Right now, for me, I think the session to session drama IS the therapy.

[QuietCat]

I've recently come to see how much this type of drama really is a learning experiance for me to discover just how trustworthy T is. I notice this drama comes and goes in waves. I'm fine and moving along in sessions for a few weeks or months, and then I'll suddenly get suspicious about T and shut down on him. He has to prove his patience with me before I come back out of the shell.

[stopdog]

I actually do think some of it has to do with the specific therapist. I see two of them almost every week. One I have no drama with. I have no drama with that one even when the other one is gone for 6-8 weeks. I have been doing this for almost 3 years. I do have it with the other one.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by QuietCat

I've recently come to see how much this type of drama really is a learning experiance for me to discover just how trustworthy T is. I notice this drama comes and goes in waves. I'm fine and moving along in sessions for a few weeks or months, and then I'll suddenly get suspicious about T and shut down on him. He has to prove his patience with me before I come back out of the shell.

Yep, exactly this.

TT,

I hope you can believe your that your t does care and does want to see you. I think most ts would refer you or tell you if they didn't like you because chances are if they didn't like like you others won't irl either because we act out our relationships irl with our ts.
For what its worth, I find your posts and threads very interesting and your t should be honoured to have such an insightful and creative client.

[0w6c379]

You're not the only one. I agree, I'm sick of me too. I trusted T from day one but things changed on that score and then I was sorry I told him anything at all. You need to trust your T and I needed to trust mine.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I don't think of it as self-sabotage, I think about it more as a reenactment of the past. If in the past, you felt like somebody hated you, now you have to keep going through the motions in the hopes of having a better ending. It takes awhile to learn that the new ending is real. When I am in that mode, I have a negative filter, because seeing the good someone is saying is irrelevant because it isn't harmful, but knowing who hates you is an act of self-preservation, which is the goal.

It is possible, if one has a persecutory part, (that in spite of its name, is actually trying to protect you), that it is doing this to try the waters so to speak. Then, it is like a different ego state emerges and I feel ashamed and I don't hold the emotional memory of how I felt when I thought T hated me. I just remember intellectually that that was how I felt. It feels like an alien invaded me or something.

Then there is the shame and confusion of what just happened? That is how it is for me, anyway. Good post!

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Sorry - not trying to be sad. I was trying to add support. I just cancelled the appointment for next week because of how frustrated I am over how little the woman seems to understand what I am saying. She will be gone the week after that. Some of the drama for me is how much I want to have her understand and to be able to convey that she understands to me.

I can delete if you would like. It does not bother me that the therapist does not care. It bothers me a great deal that the woman will not listen to or hear me.

Stopdog-
I am curious as to what this T doesn't understand, only if you want to say. I would be frustrated, also, if my therapist didn't listen to or hear me!

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

Stopdog-
I am curious as to what this T doesn't understand, only if you want to say. I would be frustrated, also, if my therapist didn't listen to or hear me!

I was trying to describe how I was feeling about something and she kept telling me I needed to not fight feeling - I was trying to tell her I was not disagreeing - I was feeling all over the effing place- and that I was trying to tell her about feeling and to describe it to her- and she just kept telling me I was doing it wrong. And she would not tell me what right would be.

[southpole]

Thanks for posting this - I often feel like I must be the only person acting ridiculously in T and being a brat/acting like a child/fighting with T. I also assume that everyone else who is in therapy just chats normally to their T and isn't a weird drama queen who panics about nothing and is generally just a little odd.

I guess that's why I like PC. It gives me an "in" into thinking how other people do therapy. And I realize there are all different sorts of client/T relationships out there and none are more "normal" or "right" than others.

[HealingTimes]

Sending you a hug, tiny, if that's ok.
I wish i had some great words of wisdom for you, but i cant find any in this situation.

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks for the hug. And thanks everyone for posting. I have T at 5pm today and have no idea how it's going to go.

[southpole]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Thanks for the hug. And thanks everyone for posting. I have T at 5pm today and have no idea how it's going to go.

Let us know!!

[stopdog]

I hope it goes well for you today.

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks, will do. I have been thinking about everything and I think I have some legitimate reasons to be mad at my T, as well as a lot of it having to do with me and my own insecurities, so I really don't know what's going to happen. In the past though, he's always worked through these ruptures when it would be much easier to let me flounce away, so I'm hoping to somehow sort it.