changes and anxiety

I think I may need some support. My emotions are really difficult to deal with at the moment. Sometimes I am really over-anxious and start crying whilst at others I feel complete rage which ultimately makes me start crying. I feel quite lost because I don't know what to do with all these emotions. I'm trying not to let these emotions translate into behaviours towards others, specifically I'm trying not to say "this is pathetic/stupid/pointless" before I say something I fear I may be laughed at for saying, but I think this has escalated my anxiety and, because I don't feel very confident and I do feel overwhelmed by emotions in conversation sometimes, I know I come across as aggressive when I'm not, I'm simply overwhelmed. Lots of people say I'm just passionate, so maybe this is purely my anxiety that I'm aggressive and it'll make people lash out at me rather than being a true possible reality. But even with evidence, and knowing I'm not meaning to be aggressive and telling myself the other person isn't judging me, it is so hard to reduce the anxiety and I find myself acting out at myself in private (which is really difficult to openly admit to when I'm trying to do something positive).

Plus therapy has been difficult recently. There are some key things that have changed - such as she doesn't email me back anymore and I'm not entirely sure why, if it is a change of direction or she's thinking it wasn't helpful for me or it simply isn't helpful at this point in the discussions we're having but she'll revert back to it later... Honestly, it isn't really the lack of reply that upsets me but that she's changed it and hasn't said anything and its as though it isn't happening. I know that feels like stuff that has happened in the past, some things are not spoken about, and no one is interested in how I feel and I don't feel I can bring it up as an issue if it isn't one (in their eyes as they're not talking about it!). I haven't asked her about it because I simply can't, but we discuss my emails in therapy so I know she gets them. It sounds like nothing at all writing it down but I know these changes (this and one or two others) are causing me a lot of anxiety because I am very confused. I'm trying to tell myself to let these types of anxieties go because they are unhelpful but I'm finding it hard. I'm not sure what to do, I've been trying to tell myself that I don't need to do anything but just to keep going with the tears, anxiety and stress till it sorts itself. I've been here before so I know it has to reduce at some point.

The hardest thing is having no one to talk to properly. And I know I'm getting a lot more upset by things that usually wouldn't bother me too much, and that even when I'm not in the situation or needing to deal with 'it' I cry, it's silly! I feel as though I'm self-perpetuating issues! Like with my therapist, I'm not seeing her for a few weeks so there is literally nothing I can do to resolve any of my feelings (even if I could talk to her about it) so why can't I simply put it on the back-burner for a bit? I want to re-focus but I feel stuck.

Gosh, this has gotten long. I'm sorry for all of this because really it isn't anything specific or even overly therapy related (despite that being the factor that has escalated my anxiety).

Hey Abby,
Phew...you are going through a lot right now, aren't you?
JKust from readin your post I can feel the anxiety and stress jumping out. I am wondering has anything happened in your personal life to cause all of this stress and anxiety lately? A loss of relationship, change of work, pregnancy, change of address?

As for your therapist not replying to your emails anymore- this sucks but the only way you will know the reason is to ask her why. By surmizing, you are adding extra stress. My t stopped replying too and it hurt. I thought I had bored her or stressed her too much but it turns out, she was in hospital and another time she wanted to discuss what I emailed her in person but at the time I was hurt because she didn't reply.
As for your mixed emotions, could you be depressed?
This can bring about a vast range of emotions and behaviours we never knew we had before and sometimes we don't realise we are depressed, maybe you are not and maybe its hormonal or just stress either way it is worth exploring the root of these feelings.
I hope things gget better for you soon

Thanks for replying, I had such a tough day yesterday!

I think this is all simply stress because there has been a lot in therapy recently. In my personal life I'm always anxious so that isn't new but as a combination everything feels a lot. Plus I am trying to say and do more without overthinking it all but I feel as though I am failing that. I've recently volunteered to do something that I thought I could manage and I likely can if I push myself but the added anxiety is alot! I'm sure lots of people are the same but it is hard being on a rollercoaster of emotions and I simply want to someone to know. I'm not sure why. I've interacted with less people so far today so feel a bit better.

It sounds like you are dealing with so much right now. Some things I find helpful are exercise (I do a zumba class and find it just helps me release some stuff) and good self-care, e.g. taking a nice bath with some lovely products.

I think you need to talk to your T about the email thing and find out why she's not replying so you don't just imagine it. I know it's hard right now when you're on a break, but it will be over soon. Can you write down some of your feelings so you feel like you're putting them somewhere?

Nothing you think or feel should be unhelpful to you. We cannot control what we think and feel and that is a good thing! All we can control is our actions but we should be basing those actions 100% on what we think and feel.

It sounds like you have things a little backwards, trying to control what you think and feel and, when that fails, fearing a meltdown or explosion.

If you are confused, you have to ask questions! That is what confusion is for! Tell your T you have noticed she does not reply to your emails anymore and that confuses you, you are wondering if it is your fault/something you have done wrong, etc. Tell her you do not really mind, one way or the other, but the change itself without knowing the reason, makes you anxious.

We cannot predict or interpret other people's behavior without talking to that person. If we are intimate with them (know/relate/are in conversation with them, like in therapy) we can ask what's going on (it should not concern us what random strangers or acquaintances are doing, that's not our business and if we're anxious about what they're doing, that's a whole 'nother problem), sharing our own concerns or interests so it does not sound like we are grilling them or "aggressive" as you put it.

When we ask another person about their behavior, it is "polite" to let them know where we are/why we are asking since we're only in charge of our own behavior, not anyone else's. But we should make it clear to them that we are not asking for them to change their behavior, we're just trying to understand it so we do not feel so anxious about that specific behavior in the future. Discussion is how we learn; we can then think something like, "Well, last month when she quit emailing me back she said it was so we could talk in more detail about my emailing during sessions so maybe this new change has something to do with that" and then you look at the new change in that light to see if it might fit and/or you ask, "this new change. . . what are we doing with it?" and have a discussion about the change or the fact that it seems every change is anxiety provoking (so talk about anxiety rather than change).

It's only what we talk about with another/our therapist that can help us; otherwise we end up just spinning our own wheels in our head and not getting anywhere.

I find exercise one of the best ways to help myself too. Do you ever feel so much sometimes that you lose words? That's when I know I'm in a pickle because I have so much going on inside but getting it to translate into words can be impossible (yeah I know that's surprising since I seem to write till forever sometimes on here!). I have attempted to re-establish a diary, but I should work harder at that. Thank you for caring

Thank you Perna. I'm going to admit I'm utterly confused about feelings and behaviours! Because I thought if a person has negative self-talk they should work to change it? I thought if I'm anxious and yet know it isn't a situation in which to be anxious I should work to push through it and tell myself it isn't going to hurt me. Where does the thoughts and feelings end and the actions start? I feel so often I'm doing the exact opposite to how I feel, e.g. taking on a task I'm not sure about, acting confident when I feel unconfident, staying stoic when I feel really scared inside, focusing on work when all I want is to freak out. I thought that was what I was meant to be doing.

I know that I need to have a discussion with my therapist. I find it difficult as I feel there isn't always time with 50minute versus a whole week and then ultimately we never resolve anything so we have to "leave it till next week to talk about it some more" but then what do I do with the anxiety in between?! It physically hurts! (btw this isn't the main reason I find it difficult to discuss stuff like this with her but that is a whole other topic!).

Does anyone ever just get pissed off with life?! !!