Tip sheet on termination

Dear (ex-)T,

During today's session, between bouts of dissociating and trying my damnedest not to cry, I kept wanting to ask, "Are you new? Someone actually let you have a license to practice? What the hell is going on here."

As your (ex-)client of six years, I thought I'd give you some pointers:

1. Have a discussion with your client about your thoughts about ending more than two days in advance of a final session. Not by email.

2. Don't tell your client five days before your last session, "I'll be here, whatever you decide."

3. Do not tell your client who is asking you why you decided to terminate him/her, "I don't feel like this was my decision." Own up to the fact that you are disallowing your client from returning, against her/his will.

4. Do not make the final session a defensive fight about whose perspective is right. Empathize with your client.

5. Anticipate how your client might respond to being blindsided with termination and, I don't know, maybe try to explore that with with him/her.

6. Stop citing ethics. You are not acting ethically right now.

7. Do not tell a client, "If we can't agree and had another session, I imagine it would be more of the same." Here's a thought: offer some alternative ways to end. Here, I'll even give you some words for this, "I'm sorry that after our years of work, things are ending this way. I know that we're having a hard time agreeing on ending, but I'd still like to honor the good work we've done by figuring out how to say goodbye."

8. Go ahead and skip saying, "You seem to need [your statement that I chose this ending] to be true."

9. Recall that this client, whom you've known for a very long time, has struggled with thoughts of suicide forever. Think to yourself, "Gee, my client said this experience was traumatic, maybe I should ask her if she's feeling safe."

10. And regarding said statement about trauma, don't make some dipshit comment like, "We'll, I guess that trauma will just sit there and do what trauma does inside of you." What the eff, T?

Clearly I'm still pissed. My session was a train wreck from hello. The hurt feelings keep bobbing up to the surface now and then. But right now I mostly just want to shake her.

It sounds like she was completely awful with you today. Like an alien had invaded her brain.

Also, when I told her it would have been helpful for her to anticipate how I might react to her abrupt decision (which she still wouldn't own, damn it), she said something like, "Well, I could anticipate you would go see consultT or you would shut down and stop therapy altogether, but I can't really ever know what you're going to do, can I?"

What the what was that?! Anticipate how I would FEEL, T. That's what I needed you to do. But apparently you've failed Empathy 101.

Makes me wonder if the alien has been there for longer than I was aware.

This is so horrifically crummy. I'm both sorry you had to go through such an awful experience and also thinking you deserve a much better T.

Wow, that sounds absolutely awful! I hope you'll be able to process all of this with consult T, to make meaning of it and to help you gain the closure that you clearly did not get during this session.

Heartbreaking, really.

I hear you. Cmpletely. I wrote something very very similar when t dumped us.
I hope you feel a little better for writing that. I think you should send her that. She needs to hear how badly she treated you, whether she wants to hear it or acknowledge it or not

Wow. Just... wow. It sounds like she was completely defensive and totally unprofessional.

Yes, send it!! And send her all our thoughts too. Cos she sucks! F.U lifelikes exT!! Therapist fail.

(((((((( Likelife)))))))) Wow I can only echo what other posters have said. WOW!!!! What a rubbish final session and what a rubbish T, or ok in the interests of objectivity and fairness, what a rubbish way for her to behave. She sucks . Talk about offloading all responsibility and blaming the client. Perhaps you are seeing right here and she's been this alien all along . Not that that's any comfort.

Of all the things you wrote THIS really gets me going the most

Double and treble wow - I can't help thinking that you are actually well and truly shot of this T, with comments like that she could only do untold damage.

I agree with Asia, send this to her, she needs to know how badly she's behaved as a T and as a person - and you need to feel like you have some sort of control in this fiasco of a termination, so I hope you do manage to tell her more of what you think and how you feel.

Likelife I'm SO sorry it's all ended so very badly. You have all my sympathy

oh likelife I am so sorry. you deserve a hell of a lot better than this.

What I wrote here is a much milder version of a scathing letter I started writing her last night. I'm still worked up into a frenzy over all of this, though, and I'm not sure I want to send anything right away, if at all. I go back and forth between she's not worth it and she needs to know how badly she's hurt me. Thing is, I don't know if she'd hear me in an angry letter (if at all), because she seems unable to tolerate my anger. Still, it would be kind of cathartic to send it. I think. I've contemplated writing two letters, keeping the scathing one, and saying things in a more reasoned tone, but then that kind of feels like overkill. I'm still not sure what my intention would be in sending something. So more of a reason to wait.

I don't know about continuing to meet with consultT. I told my T yesterday that I think I just need to step away from therapy altogether right now. Making myself vulnerable again doesn't sound so appealing. But then again, the thought of this **** circling around and around my brain is kind of horrifying too.

I still want to shake her.

What does the consult T say about what's happened? For what it is worth, i think having no T right now is a really bad idea. Because all these feelings WILL be circling around your head for quite some time to come, it is likely the grief and confusion and anger will consume you and drive you mad at times, you need support and you need an outlet for all of this.

Consult T doesn't know yet that I've been terminated. I haven't seen her for awhile. I'm scheduled to see her next week. I think you're right that its probably best to talk all of this through. I'm just feeling so burned that I'm hesitant to put myself out there.

Do you like consult T? Have you established any kind of relationship with her yet that could be a steadying force at this point? You don't need to put yourself out there with anyone right now, maybe the emphasis right now is just building up a little protective layer to help heal your heart. But it might just help having someone there anyway to walk beside you while you go thru this.

I understand thst you need to step sway. I did the same thing.

It is eerie how similarly I felt about my own T when I terminated last fall. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's awful. It's all-consuming hurt.

Based on my experience, my suggestion would be to see consult T, or really any competent T, as soon as possible. You don't have to open way up right away. But you are really going to need to process this, and while friends and family that you might trust with this can offer kindness and sympathy, no one's going to get it the way a T will. The T I settled on in the interim between termination and slowly starting back up with T was largely there for me to (1) continue to manage my depression while I figured things out and (2) to figure things out. I was up front with Ts I interviewed that this issue was fresh for me and still in process and would probably be a main part of my interaction with them. A decent T will get that.

I have a pdoc, too, and she was also very kind during that period. I didn't know her as well, but it helped SO much to talk to someone who got it, and who was willing to step up and say that she'd step in as that point person if I was ever a danger to myself, which I was at that time. Again, I'm not that close to her, but I needed to talk, and I needed to have that lifeline there because I had suddenly been thrown into a very dark place in terms of my mental health. You don't have to worry about doing the therapy "work" now. Getting a T or pdoc or someone like that ASAP is a way to do some basic emotional self-care. I understand it's daunting, and I understand this may not work for you the way it worked for me, but it's my experience. I didn't want to open up either, and I will admit that it was sad for me seeing a new person at times. But it was much better than withdrawing and trying to go it alone.

As for sending an angry message, you're probably right to wait. I did send T one short, angry message when he had decided to terminate me after weeks of deliberating -- that was because there was a lot going on that day; found out my stand-in grandfather was dying the same day, and I sent T a short, scathing letter about how I needed him NOW and he was running off and hiding under a rock. I don't particularly regret it because I was so overwhelmed that day I don't see how I could have held it back.

Later, I sent him a longer letter. I took time to write it. It did sometimes feel like I was wasting my time on him. But I had already written many letters I didn't send (very therapeutic for me -- and some of them so bitterly angry that even now that we've reconciled and started working together again, I won't show him), and finally, pulled together my thoughts enough to write one that said the things that I felt like I needed him to know, AND that I felt ok saying without getting a response. I was able to filter a lot of the anger out of it and leave it at the things I felt I needed to say to move on. It did help me.

So, it's not overkill. Or, if it's overkill, them I'm right there with ya . You really have to do what you need to do to feel better. Try not to judge yourself too harshly right now.

I do like her, and I think she generally gets me, though I don't think she knows all that much about me yet. I think I get caught up on not knowing how to explain all of this. I tried talking with my H last night. Probably shouldn't have started off with, "I'm crazier than you think I am." His response was, "I know."

((Sally)) I don't think I know the details of your story, but it sounds like it was horrifying. I'm so glad your pdoc was there for you. I love my pdoc too; she's seen me through some difficult stuff and had advised that I take a break from T about a year ago, which I think was a good call. I trust her, but I'm still kind of ashamed and embarrassed about how everything went down with my T. She's also wicked expensive to see, unfortunately.

I do click well with consultT, though I'm caught a bit here too. I feel in some ways like I've been a bad client, because I haven't been totally upfront with either of the Ts I was seeing. ExT knew that I initially consulted with consultT, but not that I had continued. And consultT (whom I've seen 4-5 times) knew I was seeing exT, but didn't know that I was continuing to see her. I think I just felt too ashamed after awhile to acknowledge that I was seeing two Ts and continued lying by omission, essentially. So I think I'm a little scared to lay it all out with consultT because what if she wants to terminate me too?

Idk, in the end I waver on whether I actually did anything "wrong" by seeing two Ts.

Anyway, I'm still tempted to send T the scathing letter, though I'm pretty sure ill be disappointed if I don't get a response, though I know I'm not likely to. Perhaps further reason to wait. I know that I haven't really accepted (or maybe I should say processed) that I will never see my T again. I keep finding myself thinking, "When I see T next week..." and then have to catch myself.

I see two therapists and I absolutely do not think I am doing anything wrong.

...and I am making great progress, an I'm gonna write a best selling book about it, and I couldn't be happier!!

Is that the rest of that post? Otherwise I would want to see a warning like for extreme sports or something. Not that I have any authority to make that call. But here is someone who was not completely honest with their t or ts, and now feels justified in calling foul? When one of the basic ethical tenets is that it is an exclusive relationship? I know that its hard to be completely honest with t. I also withhold. But there is omitting to tell past feelings which may be nebulous anyway, and then there is omitting to tell something you did last week or plan to do next week (like get married - boy do they get mad if you don't tell them you're getting married!).

Hankster - You and I completely disagree on this. And that is okay.

I do not think any client does anything wrong by seeing two therapists.

And my t. He worries aboutcha! He likes smart womens

I know, stopdog, and I don't think you're doing anything wrong either. It seems that you do a good job of separating out your experience with each T.

LL = it does kind of sound here like the therapist got her feelings hurt over the other therapist but did not own up to that here. I may be off, but it kind of sounds like it to me.
I don't think you did anything wrong. I really don't.