Tip sheet on termination

I think I get what you're saying here, and I don't necessarily disagree (I can do double negatives too!). I'm at the point where I'm "crying foul" about how my T chose to terminate me. I'm less clear on whether I'm "justified" in crying foul about her general decision to terminate me. Splitting hairs, maybe, but it seems important to me.

I think she's absolutely justified in telling me that I can only work with one T at a time (if that's how she defines her practice), but to take the choice away of continuing to see her completely puts me in a pretty powerless position.

Yeah, that's my impression too. But then again, that's kind of how I'm portraying it, so maybe I'm the one that's off. At any rate, I appreciate your feedback.

If that was going to be her position - and I really do not think that a consultant therapist even fits the idea of not seeing two - then why not tell you and let you have time to process and choose and calmly plan a termination? That would be, to me, the ethical thing. Particularly if she had not expressed strong opposition or objection previously.

there's the difference(s) between how sd and I respond. 1. Sd, you hope to support your own position of two ts being okay. I haven't responded to these threads until now because I couldn't be honest and supportive. So different agendas. 2. Your solution fits into a nice mathematical logical box. If a then b. Therefore your way MUST be correct. But feelings are messy. I can't believe that's me saying that. I go more for reading between the lines, what is the OP hinting at but not saying. 3. And that's why people like SD's posts better than mine! You're more supportive -WAY more. I more tend to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. But hey - I'm old, who cares?! I love PC so much.

I tried to make the distinction with her between seeing another T for therapy and another T for consultation too, but that fell on deaf ears. And yes, I absolutely wish she had allowed more time to calmly plan a termination.

I'm open to hearing other positions, hankster. I'm not sure what I'm hinting at, but if you have input, I'm all ears. (That's not sarcasm, either.)

When you said you feel so powerless. Wow. It just hit me as I was writing this now. Having two ts puts you in the power position. That's probably what we wanted as kids, to have power over bad parents? And that's probably why that has to be worked out, as a trust issue, with a t? Really I haven't posted cuz I couldn't figure out what all was going on with you, but now this gives a hint, maybe!

P.s. thanks!!

I agree!!! Please send your ex T a copy of your post...it is well said and to the point. She NEEDS to hear it....wow, so sorry this happened to you. : (

LL-
If your therapist didn't seek consultation about her countertransference with you, then she was being remiss. You have the same right as she does to seek a second opinion, no matter how she feels about it. Her defensiveness is telling. You are spot on, imo, that she isn't owning her own stuff. I think you are handling this well, and I know that it is painful as hell. I am rooting for you.

LL, from someone who has been terminated by a T, I think you are very wise to wait to send the letter at least until you have the opportunity to talk with ConsultT or let your emotions calm some. I sent a couple of letters to my former T after he terminated me. I wanted to hurt him with words (like he hurt me). Truthfully, he never really ever "got it" because he was more concerned about preserving his image of himself than he was, my well being. Afterwards, what I worked on in therapy was learning about ME and the part of me that needed to prove, I am worthy!

I have observed a pattern with some T's, some mentioned on this board and IRL, who make poor choices in an effort to preserve themselves. Sad, really.

I think your letter is well stated, I just worry what might happen if your T doesn't respond. And, there is a great chance this might happen.

That's a good point. I told my T that it felt like she was doing the ultimate power grab by refusing to see me anymore.

Thank you, antimatter. She did seek consultation, and apparently asked the consultant (whom I know is also her friend) if she seemed angry, because I keep feeling as if she is. She told me that the consultant didn't feel as if she was angry either.

Thank you for rooting for me

Well, I'm not sure about wise anymore. I ended up sending my T a final letter last night. I removed the vitriol, though, and tried to give her some feedback about how I wished she had conducted the final session differently. I expressed anger and sadness (without the mean language) that she had allowed our six-year relationship to end so precipitously. I don't know if i'll ever hear from her again. I'm mostly anticipating that I won't.

What you said about your T needing to preserve his image more than your well being exactly mirrors what I feel like my experience is.

So glad you wrote another letter.if you need to again later on,another final letter, i think thats ok too. You need to get those feelings out.
I wrote several letters to my ex t right after she dumped me.
In fact i wrote her an email a few months ago too even though its been five uears. Apparently i still had more i needed to say
I never heard back from her ever, of course. I hoped to but never really thought she would write back really. But that says more about her than about me.

Anyway... I am still thinking of you.

Thank you, starry. I keep trying to prepare myself for the idea that I will never hear from her again, but that thought is just a little too overwhelming at the moment.

I'm glad you have been able to express what you've needed to with your ex-T. I'm feeling kind of numb today. Trying to do work, but not really able to focus very well.

One word- starts with B and ends with an itch.
Gee the only thing I'd regret would be that I have wasted 6 yrs of my time and money on her... Really, sometimes Ts are just awful


And to join the discussion about seeing two Ts at once- as much as I don't think it would be of any help for me (and in fact for anyone in general- yeah, of coarse there are some exception...)
A. I thought you'd told her about it. SO she knew.
B. even if she didn't that's not a good enough reason for terminating a client (ask him to choose would be better) and if the T really felt she must terminate you. That's so NOT the way to do it.

Yeah, I told her that I saw the consultT initially, but not that I'd continued to see her - a lie by omission. And I totally agree with your point B. I think having me choose would have made much more sense. She botched the termination completely.

In our second to last session, when I had told her some of the ways that consultT practiced differently from her, and seemed to better meet my needs, she said at first that she felt sad that she had hurt me. But then later, she admitted that she felt a little humiliated too. I'm pretty sure her defense against that humiliation was to terminate me against my will, but refuse to own that it was her decision.

I feel so gutted tonight. I spent the evening at a carnival at my older child's school. I had to smile and interact and be normal, and that was probably good. But the whole time, I kept thinking wtf, T? Who the hell did you turn into? I feel humiliated for having been terminated against my will.

**** her.

I am considering sending one more letter, just to revoke any prior authorizations for releases of information that I have signed. I can see her contacting my pdoc, for whom she has a release. I don't think I need her sharing her opinion of me with anyone ever again.

Regardless of the opinion on seeing two therapists, the client should be given the option of choosing - not kicked out/terminated without a chance to choose. This still seems to me to be the therapist's hurt feelings and nothing to do with the client.
I am sorry you are feeling humiliated, but it is not your doing or fault. Your therapist failed you in my opinion. And terminating her authorization / ability to share information with anyone else is a good plan I believe.

It's difficult to judge other people's relationships, but at the moment, I feel very strongly that the patient is always right.

It took me nearly a year to start feeling ok again.but i was a pretty slow learning back then!
I remember being so gutted. And feeling like i had to keep a smile on my face. I was well known at the time and i felt like i had to appear perfect because so many people admired me for the things i was doing, and i felt like i couldnt let them down. I didnt know what do with myself and totally dropped out of sight from the world. I thought about my ex t almost constantly. I didnt eat, couldnt eat, and ended up in the hospital- a month after my t dumped me i nearly died, and then i was just a real wreck.
Oh, a couple hints of things that helped me eventually:

To help myself stop obsessing over the whole thing, i started listening to my iPod almost constantly, even when i went to bed. I chose to listen to podcasts and sermons by Joyce Meyer so i had to listen to other peoples words not mine.
I started looking for people to be blessing to. Taking care of other peoples needs helped me take my thoughts off a little about me and obsessing over the thing with ex t.
I also read constantly. With my music playing in my ears constantly!
I took a lot of naps.

Also, when i finally found a new t after 2 years, itwas really validating when i told her about what happened and new t was soooo angry at old t (she still is actually!!) new t thinks ex t is a total B i t c h and what she did was totally unethical. (Same for your t!!) and new t didnt want to see any of my old notes or records from old t-- she said she didnt care what that B said about me, or read anything she had to say

Wow, your situation seems similar to mine a year ago in a bunch of ways. My t was blatantly mean like yours on the last visit, though maybe yours said even more things that no one should say to anyone. I'm kind of confused where you said she didn't own the termination- did she absolutely say you had to leave or not? Mine didn't say he wouldn't see me again but he pushed me to quit, which is also a pretty awful thing to do too.

I agree about not sending a letter yet probably, since you probably won't get what you want in response. I didn't send a letter to my t but I still consider it, a year later. After a while, I did post some reviews online about what he did, and I'm glad I did that. They are on websites not many people would see, but it makes me feel better that I might have at least helped someone else even out the balance of power that my ex-t uses to hurt people. It took me a while to get to the point the point I felt okay to do that, instead of wishing as much that things could change with the t.

Wow, that's pretty extreme that she apparently couldn't accept you going to another t. I thought (and still think) t's are supposed to be open to that.

You got me wondering if part of the reason my t was so mean was that I went to another t who knows my original t and complained about original t. Then I decided to go back to original t to see if things could work out. Original t shouldn't have had a way to find out about the other t I went to, but who knows. Original t had already started pushing me to quit, though, before I went to the t who knows him.

I agree with Stopdog that there's nothing wrong (as in unethical) with going to two t's. I think ideally, to have a good t relationship, clients would have an open enough relationship that we could feel comfortable telling both the t's about it. But I definitely don't think the t has any right to take revenge or be hurtful if you are seeing another t if that's what you think or feel may be helpful at the time. It makes sense that it could often be the best thing for the client to see another t. Therapy is for the client, not the therapist.

This is the thing i hated the most about being in therapy.
The healthy therapist insulates themselves from failure while exposing the patient to the detriment thereof.
You're the healthy one.
Your therapist is not.

Let them put their money where their mouth is starting with measurable results.
Individual results may vary just doesn't cut it anymore.

When they start offering a complete money back guarantee, that's when I'll go back to therapy.

I hope your T drinks from their own cup one day soon and thinks of you and their heart breaks.

I have half a mind to organize a slap the **** out of a therapist day where they don't see it coming. After the slap, they hear the slapper say, "That's how your patients feel sometimes."

They should have their pay put in a rotating 3 month escrow account. I bet that would be a deterrent against these abrupt surprise endings especially if whatever is left in the account was given to the patient as a consolation for mental cruelty.

I'm sorry this happened to you.