[Purpledaze]

Hi, I am new here, but I have been lurking for a while and have learned a lot from reading, so thank you all.

I am 46 and as a child was a victim of domestic violence. My father used to hit me and my mother. I recently went on a visit to my FOO and got very triggered by an argument. I regressed right to my 10-year -old self. It was all very scary.

I am in therapy and talked to my t today about what happened. I was upset the whole session. I felt she was pushing me to forget about the incident and about my past and she mentioned that I needed to move on, and that it would be a shame if I was still preoccupied with this in a month's time. I said I wanted to be allowed to be upset about it. She repeated that I need to move on. I said 'so I should just get over it?' and she said no, but that I needed to move on, and that I can't change the past.

I guess I was hoping for a different reaction. Maybe that she would talk with me about my past? She did know about it already, but we have never talked very much about it. She has helped me with other things, but more to do with making my life better now. She has supported me through chronic illness and surgeries. She is pretty focused on the present, which has been good for me in many ways, and she is always reminding me how well I am doing compared to how I was. She is CBT based.

I kind of screwed up all my courage for today, so that I didn't go in there and say I was fine, and I feel she didn't listen to me. Now I feel incredibly low and that I said the wrong things. I don't know how to ask for help anymore. I feel as if I need to write on my forehead, 'I am a victim of domestic violence. Help me'.

I just want to feel better.

Thank you for reading.

[tinyrabbit]

I am sorry that happened to you and I'm sorry your T wasn't supportive. I think CBT is very much based on the present and not the past. Has she been helpful with other past stuff?

I don't see how you can just magically move on. Could you write something down for her about how you feel?

[Raging Quiet]

Hi there,

Reading this sounds to me that your T uses a full CBT view which is a lot more about coping with the here and now and less psychodynamic/psychoanalytic. Have you thought about finding a T that practises a different approach so you would be able to share your story and work on healing first? My friend is a CBT therapist and she often tells me that its about changing your thinking patterns and not so good with trauma that's hasn't been dealt with.

[Lamplighter]

As I was reading your post I was thinking, I bet this T is CBT! Enough said .

I'm sorry your T keeps thwarting your attempts to heal - it sounds like you instinctively know what you need to do but your T is opposing that. She sounds like she is not comfortable with dealing with feelings.

The way you describe her it sounds as if she's been very helpful and you trust her, could you perhaps go in next session and try and explain in detail what you've said here in your post? Or email or write to her, if it's too difficult to say it face to face. It may be that she would be willing to modify her approach and go into your feelings but that she's simply unaware of how serious it is to you and doesn't think it matters as much as it does.

Alternatively, perhaps she has helped you all she can and you might want to look for a T with a different modality who will be able to help you deal with your past. You may well be ready now to do so, whereas perhaps you weren't when you first started with this T?

I'm sorry you're feeling so helpless and I'm sorry about what happened to you I hope you can get some more support from your T.

Torn

[southpole]

It wasn't until I changed from CBT to a psychodynamic form of therapy that I was able to finally start dealing with the trauma from my past. I wonder if it will be the same for you

[Purpledaze]

Thank you all so much for the support.

I will think about writing something down for her. I would have to take it to the session as I don't have her email and only have her mobile for emergencies. I've never shared anything I've written, so perhaps it would be a way of showing her how important this is. I'm just afraid she won't take it on board, or that she will shoot me down, and I will wind up feeling even worse. It took a lot of courage for me to tell her how I was feeling, and to keep pushing when she said I should move on.

Torn Mind, thwarted is exactly how I feel. I hated feeling as if I was asking for the wrong thing, or making more of the abuse than I should be. But I can't help it. I feel like all this stuff is bubbling up inside and I need help NOW!

I think you are all right about the CBT thing. In general she is very focused on the present and on the positive. I have been with her for four years and a lot of the time she has been helping me to deal with the current things in my life. She has listened to me about the past when it has come up, but I feel as if there are things we could have worked on more.

I think I have had this niggling feeling before that it might be time to move on to a diffent type of therapist. That is hugely scary in itself, and it's harder because I live in a place where English is not the main language. I have searched online for English-speaking therapists in my area and they all seem to be CBT types. I feel like I need a recommendation for someone but I don't know where to go to get it.

I'm not seeing her for two weeks, so i have while to think about things... But two weeks feels like a long time atm. Actually i am annoyed about this as well. I sometimes see her weekly and sometimes fortnightly, and at the end of the session she didn't even ask whether I wanted to come next week, she just wrote me in the diary for two weeks' time.

I'm so glad I posted here. I don't feel so alone now.

[~EnlightenMe~]

CBT methods can sometimes be invalidating to people with emotional/past trauma issues. I agree with others that it might be helpful to find a T with a different modality. Maybe this T has helped you as much as she can.
Let us know how things go. Take care.

[Anne2.0]

A really good thing to try in therapy is telling your T that you were disappointed in his/her reaction, and seeing where that leads you. While maybe it works for some people to "hope" that they get what they want from their therapists, or to just switch therapists every time s/he does something that is disappointing or upsetting, my experience has been that I need to really *communicate* with my T about what doesn't work for me. I think that many times, the line between a good and bad T is that a good one can listen to your criticism or complaint or whatever you want to call it, and try to do differently to get it closer to what you need. I have discovered that it is incredibly healing for me to be able to say that I was disappointed or upset or whatever, and then explain why. It's a skill that has served me well in other intimate relationships where better communication has resulted in better relationships.

You explained it really well in your post here, in terms of what you were looking for and how it was different from what you got. You can tell her this, or print out your post and just hand it to her to read.

[stopdog]

I am not clear on whether you have told the therapist directly what you want or not. To me, of you have tried and either her orientation (cbt) or just her skills are keeping her from hearing you, then I would try another one who had a different orientation. I don't think recognizing a therapist is not useful and changing to one who is different is a bad thing.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I don't think recognizing a therapist is not useful and changing to one who is different is a bad thing.

I totally agree with this. Or if a therapist has been helpful but can't take you past a certain point or deal with a certain issue you have, realizing that it is a time for a change and doing so is a form of self-care. I failed to leave a therapist who couldn't help me any more than he had, and I regret not leaving at that point. I wish I had listened to and respected myself enough to make that decision. Now I have one who understands me better, and I am getting stronger.

[Purpledaze]

Thanks again for all the comments and hugs. My posts are being checked so I think you all responded before my own first response above

Antimatter - I am starting to think that maybe I have gone as far as I can with this T. I've worked out from reading here that CBT is unlikely to help me in the way i need. But she has been a part of my life for a long time so the thought of moving on is hard.

Anne - I like the idea of telling her I am disappointed. It's a good word and it says what I feel without being confrontational. I was so frustrated by her reactions at the time, that I know I can't just leave it. In a way I feel I shouldn't have to say anything outright, she should just KNOW from my reactions. But the sensible part of my feels that I should at least explain what I want before hot-footing it out of her door.

Stopdog, you are right, I haven't told her directly what I want. I think I pushed it as far as I could at the time . When she kept saying I should move on, I was asking, what if I can't do that, what if I can't forget about my past, and she was saying, you can't change your past, it's just a memory, don't let this affect how well you are doing now. In the end I stopped questioning her, and it was the end of the session anyway. I hope after some time away from her I will be able to be more direct.