[Miswimmy1]

Im sorry to be spamming the forums. but I am just trying to sort out a very confusing situation.

my question now is what are boundaries? how do you know when one is crossed? the people at my residential treatment team said that my therapist back here was unethical and crossed professional boundaries. all she did was text me and email me and be there as much as she could. that doesn't sound like an issue. what if she was meeting a need that needed to be met at the time? is that still crossing a boundary? i dont understand why I have been cut off because of boundaries when there are no rules that say what the boundaries are. who decides what a boundary is and when one is crossed? and if she was ok with it, how could it be unethical?

[Asiablue]

There are ethical boundaries, rules essentially that therapists need to adhere to. And there a people's individual personal boundaries.

Other people cannot enforce what other people's boundaries are. If your T was fine with the amount of support she was giving and you were fine with the support she was giving then i don't see a problem.. although i suppose the issue is muddied by your age as it assumed you're not adult therefore can't make informed decisions for yourself.

Obviously i don't know all the details of your case so i can't really say why your care-givers think that.

[WikidPissah]

A lot of treatment approaches stipulate the t not fostering too much of a dependence on them. By being there too much, it makes t the center of your world, and it makes it easy for t to "fail" in your eyes. There's a saying "if you put someone on too high of a pedestal they will eventually fall off." You are only responsible for your own boundaries, a t should be responsible for holding their own. Perhaps they think that a therapist with clearly defined boundaries would be better for you?

I hardly think it fair for a center to tell you who you can't see for t though. Is it your parents that cut you off? I hope you get some sort of closure. So sorry, it must hurt a lot.

[scorpiosis37]

How often were you texting and e-mailing your T, and how often was she texting and e-mailing you? Perhaps the problem your residential treatment team had was not with the principle of e-mailing/texting, but with the frequency of contact and the dependency it was creating. There do need to be boundaries around outside of session contact so that the therapist and client do not become too enmeshed in each other's lives. With a lot of contact, especially informal contact like texting, the roles of client and therapist can become blurred and the T can start to feel more like a "friend" which is not conducive to a healthy therapeutic relationship. This is especially important with younger clients. The role of the therapist is to help the client gain independence and learn self-coping skills; by meeting your needs rather than teaching you how to meet your own needs, your T could actually be doing you a disservice. It's also possible that your T was playing too much of a "mother" or guardian role in your life, which was interfering in or detracting from your relationship with your actual family. If a client is still underage and living at home, it's the T's job to help the client get along better with their family and repair those relationships so that you will have a better home life. However, if the T becomes too involved, it can feel to the client that she is the "only one" who understands, while the family does not, and this can cause a rift between the client and the client's family. This then becomes an impediment to healing. Alternatively (or additionally), if the client has erotic transference for the T, and the T encourages frequent texts and e-mails, this can encourage the client's exaggerated feelings and fuel an impossible fantasy that can get in the way of healing. If there is erotic transference happening, it is especially important that the T NOT encourage enmeshment, frequent contact, etc. In these situations, the T needs to hold stricter boundaries in order to allow the client to work through the transference and use that experience as part of healing (as opposed to unhealthy enmeshment). I realize that I don't know the details of your situation (though I have read many of your previous posts); these are simply some possible reasons as to why a treatment team might insist on terminating the relationship between a T and client because of boundary violations.

As far as texting and e-mailing between a T and client, I can give you an example of what my T (and her colleagues) consider "healthy" or "within appropriate boundaries." With me, since I have never had issues with boundaries, she says it is okay for me to text her "once in a while." This generally amounts to 1 to 3 times per month outside of session (and she responds). She considers more than once a week too much, because it encourages dependency on the therapist and does not allow the client to develop self-coping skills. My T allows e-mail, and I have e-mailed my T three times in two years (and she responds). She says that it would be okay to e-mail as often as once a month, but no more than that. She says that when she works with clients who have issues with violating boundaries, she does not allow texting or e-mailing at all, except in emergencies or for the purposes of rescheduling appointments. I realize that a lot of people on the forum have more frequent e-mail and texting contact with their T, but that is not typical of therapy relationships in general. And, while my T recognizes that she doesn't know the circumstances behind other T-client situations, in her opinion, more frequent outside of session contact can be enabling and not in the client's best interest. She says that, as a T, the best thing she can do is help the client become independent and stand on their own two feet.

[~EnlightenMe~]

((((Miswimmy))))
I know that your parents didn't give you what you needed, so it makes so much sense that you would be attached to the therapist you had. It must be massively traumatic, with a capital T, not be able to see your T and that the people from the treatment center are the ones keeping you from that. I am so, so sorry this is happening to you.

Keep us posted as to how you are doing.

Miswimmy - PM'd you, because it is hard for me to accept what is put on this forum as to what the perfect therapy boundaries are. When these same boundaries don't allow people to progress, and move forward. I guess people feel if you follow one of these prescriptions you will come along swimmingly. Therapist, don't really make much progress with their young clients when the parents says, here's my kid, fix her and I will be back in a 50 minute hour. It's the family that needs to be fixed in order for the family to truly heal. Your therapist cant have contact with you in anyway shape or form. its good to know you can go anywhere you want to get birth control without your parents consent! And not emotional health care - go figure I can't wait till your eighteen. Sorry for my rant.

[ultramar]

If your T was fine with the amount of support she was giving and you were fine with the support she was giving then i don't see a problem..

I think one way of looking at this is that it's like any other relationship -professional or otherwise- in that other people outside of that relationship, who are familiar with it (in this case a psych treatment team) do not think it is healthy, despite the fact that the two people in the relationship do think it's healthy.

This happens, right? If you have a friend who you feel is in a relationship that's very unhealthy for her, wouldn't you speak up? Wouldn't you maybe get push back from those involved, saying that it 'works' for them, stay out of it? No matter what your concerns for your friend, would you automatically conclude that since your friend says it's 'fine' for her, that it is, in fact, fine/healthy?

I just don't think it's as simple as both are fine with it, so it's okay. I think when you look at it in the context of other relationships, and outside concern from friends/family, etc., it looks different.

[ultramar]

Miswimmy, I was wondering if boundaries, in the context of relationships, came up in your individual and/or group therapy at the center? Was this ever discussed (and I don't mean concerning you particularly, but in general, as far as skills building in relationships, etc.)?

It's because of family that the poster is in this position. I only feel she as to cow-tow to family, because she is a minor. I'm 53, and until a few months ago, was still living with the anger and hurt of 38 years ago when my parents did the same as posters parents. I only hope that this forced split, and the new therapist helps Miswimmy heal. It's just that so many hospital teams and families have left patients worse off than they were before. I'm counting on miswimmy beating the odds.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I am guilty, at times, of trying to use my intellect to solve things that are emotional in nature, such as attachment issues. I wish that you could have or find whatever it is that you need, Miswimmy, and I do think that although you are under 18 that you still should have had a say or that you should have been able to go through some kind of process to help you understand. I think it is sad that you haven't gotten what you need in your FOO and have had no say in that, just as you have had no say in this decision. I have been through a painful termination, and I am concerned because I wish you, or anybody for that matter, didn't have to go through this. I hope you keep reaching out, we are here for you!