canceling then regretting

I've only canceled appts if I was truly too sick to go in. Like everyone, I have days where I am nervous or am afraid or even angry but I always show up.

I have had a very, very difficult week and look an absolute physical mess. To use an analogy, if I were an alcoholic, I would be coming off a big bender this week. So, because my T and I had an interruption to our schedule and he wanted to me to keep up contact via email, I detailed my "bender" and just what a physical mess I am. He gave a brief, generic T response about looking forward to when we meet again and can talk. I don't want him or anyone to see me right now because of how I look So I sent a msg. saying I had to cancel and told him the reason why.

Now I am wondering if I made a mistake canceling. I don't want to be wishy-washy, I feel like I made the decision to cancel and should stick with it (I don't feel like its fair to Ts schedule to play games with the time slot). I didn't cancel out of anything to do with the therapy or work in there, it really is about wanting to crawl under a rock...but did I make a mistake? Why do I feel regret when at the same time I feel relieved he doesn't have to see what a mess I am?

For me, a part of therapy is allowing my T to see me in my most difficult places. It's tempting to give in to social pressures to hide when feeling like a mess. It might also be an opportunity to experience a different kind of support and/or connection with your T.

If you regret it, I'd encourage you to contact your T and see if there is still a slot available. You can let him know about your hesitation around "playing games with the time slot" if you think it would help you feel better about it.

Do you know if you feel more relief or regret? It may help to see if one of the feelings is more "true" than another, and forgive the one that isn't. In a situation like that, I imagine I'd probably feel relief, but also beat myself up and feel guilty about running away. But you're allowed to run away sometimes, and I try (though I usually fail) to reason with guilt.

If a time slot is open, it's there for the taking. And changing your mind wouldn't be any more wishy-washy than if you'd canceled due to a stomach bug but felt better sooner than expected.

I haven't had to cancel an appt yet, though I've been tempted a couple of times when I was angry at my T. I just have this fear/longing that if I cancel even one appointment, I would be unlikely to call back and ever reschedule, and then I'd never go back or try again, and just be on my own from now on. Which is one of those disgustingly attractive, romantically desperate and hopeless fantasies. :/

"What a mess I am" is a personal judgment perception. Your T might not see you as "mess" and/or might be comforting or cheer you up, give you a pleasant respite from your horrible week, etc. I did not miss sessions because I never knew what might happen. As Poet Laureate John Masefield put it:

I have seen flowers come in stony places
And kind things done by men with ugly faces
And the gold cup won by the worst horse at the races,
So I trust too.

I have cancelled, regretted it, called and got the time back again. It happens, we don't need to punish ourselves by forcing ourselves to stick to a decision that is changeable. My T would not be able to fill the time quickly (which is why I pay her when I cancel), but if that were to happen, it would be understandable and possibly there would be another time I could have instead. I also wouldn't want to do this often, out of consideration for T. But, as I am learning, self-judgement is really self-punishing, and changing my mind or making a decision I regret, isn't the end of the world.

Exploring it can make for a good session.