[Asiablue]

Do you ever feel like your alone in your therapy journey?

I feel like no one understands when i speak to them about the deep struggle i have with trying to accept and trust my therapist. No one understands that the therapist is a big part of journey- particularly when you're dealing with loss, abandonment, attachment and trauma issues. No one seems to understand why i'm so hypersensitive to change in therapy or why i get angry with her for seemingly illogical things. No one understands why i'm fighting her every step of the way or why i feel threatened by her care.

No one understand why i don't just walk in there every week and just trust her on face value. Why i don't just fight the terrifying alarm bells that tell me not to let her "in" to my inner world. Why bother keep turning up if i'm not just going to let her do her job?

I am trying so hard, i turn up every week regardless, my mind is full of stop and Go signs. I'm seeing Stop signs and hearing big alarms going of in my mind when i try to be vulnerable yet i also know i need to override these defences if i want to get better, so i force myself to take small steps, even tho every cell of my body is saying NO!!!

Does anyone here relate to this?

[mixedup_emotions]

OMG, I could have totally written your post. I can SO relate. It is so hard. I'm not sure, for me, if it's about trusting my T - but there is such intense resistance that I haven't been able to overcome - even after 4 years!

The members of my group T seem so much more willing to be open, which leads me to think that it's just me. I'm the oddball in the bunch who can't seem to do it. But I know that's not truly the case. I've been wondering lately if I will ever get past this.

You are not alone.

[pbutton]

Yep. The hell with therapy. I shared some crap via email and now will drive myself insane with it all weekend. Screw this.

[skeksi]

I completely understand. My T is going through a serious illness and I tried to talk about how difficult it is for me with a few friends but they definitely don't get it. I've found I can really only talk about the T relationship with T; no one else gets why it is such a big deal for me.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

No one seems to understand why i'm so hypersensitive to change in therapy or why i get angry with her for seemingly illogical things. No one understands why i'm fighting her every step of the way or why i feel threatened by her care.

No one understand why i don't just walk in there every week and just trust her on face value. Why i don't just fight the terrifying alarm bells that tell me not to let her "in" to my inner world. Why bother keep turning up if i'm not just going to let her do her job?

YES! I feel that way - that no one really gets my problems with my T. I learned early on not to talk to the closer people in my life about T. They think I'm crazy and it makes me wonder soooo am I then? Are there people who can go into therapy and have no major transference issues at all? They aren't worried what the T thinks or why he/she said that or did that? Do they seriously have no issues at all in the relational process of therapy? And if so, what does that type of therapy session look like??? Seriously. It's like a foreign language to me. So bizarre I can't really grasp what it would be like at this point.

Everything you wrote above, Asia, I am experiencing. I wish it could be easier and I guess maybe it is for some (?) but I figure we are each on a unique and individual life journey - this must be happening for a reason

[content30]

I have several friends who have been to see a therapist or who currently see therapists. It helps to talk to them about it. At the least, it is fun to share stories. My cousin sees my T. I love it. Now, I have someone to talk to about my T who knows how wonderful she is! With my friends, we share stories about things Ts have asked us and how sometimes they don't understand.

I do not fight my T nor do I feel threatened by her care. We all have our separate issues with T. I feel like she is a little hard on me sometimes. I think she is better at seeing my big picture than I am and really wants to push me to get where I need to be. However, sometimes I can only do baby steps rather than leap! Geez, T! Ha!

[likelife]

Ditto for me. I've tried to talk with my H on a handful of occasions about T. He doesn't understand why there were times that I seemed to feel worse after T. Or why it's such a big deal that exT terminated me. He tells me that I just think too much. I ask him if he's ever considered that he doesn't think enough

AsiaBlue, I could have written your post word for word. Its very difficult to trust. I want to trust. Sometimes I even do trust but that just sets off the alarm bells and I have to defend and retreat and it could take a while to get back to that spot so its very much 2 steps forward 3 steps back....

[Asiablue]

I feel less alone knowing others feel the same. But try explaining it to someone who doesn't have attachment issues or has never been to therapy.... you just get a blank stare or a get over it attitude.

[TheRealFDeal]

AB, your post hit so close to home I had to leave and come back later. If you've never been in t, you can't possibly know what it's like. And unless you're strongly attached to T, you can't even try to imagine what it's like to be terminated and abandoned by T.

I think it will take a very, very long time to build trust with a new T. Aside from that, do you think she is trustworthy? I mean, those alarm bells aren't going off for good reason, are they?

[haier]

I know exactly what you're going through...I'm currently in the exact same situation. I get it.

People don't get how my T terminating with me still affects me today (since it was awhile ago). They have no freaking clue because they have never been to therapy before or completely left out of nowhere at a terrible time by the one person they trusted and don't seem to get the idea of/need for CLOSURE.
I have a friend who literally refuses to speak to me about my ex-T...the only reason he is still my friend is that my current T is so concerned that I have cut myself off from the world since being depressed, he thought I should keep the friendship open since he is a supportive friend otherwise.
And hey there is something I have tried to explain (never doing it again) and NO ONE gets, depression. So yes, I get it...hugs to you.

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Do you ever feel like your alone in your therapy journey?

I feel like no one understands when i speak to them about the deep struggle i have with trying to accept and trust my therapist. No one understands that the therapist is a big part of journey- particularly when you're dealing with loss, abandonment, attachment and trauma issues. No one seems to understand why i'm so hypersensitive to change in therapy or why i get angry with her for seemingly illogical things. No one understands why i'm fighting her every step of the way or why i feel threatened by her care.

No one understand why i don't just walk in there every week and just trust her on face value. Why i don't just fight the terrifying alarm bells that tell me not to let her "in" to my inner world. Why bother keep turning up if i'm not just going to let her do her job?

I am trying so hard, i turn up every week regardless, my mind is full of stop and Go signs. I'm seeing Stop signs and hearing big alarms going of in my mind when i try to be vulnerable yet i also know i need to override these defences if i want to get better, so i force myself to take small steps, even tho every cell of my body is saying NO!!!

Does anyone here relate to this?

If your trying to get people outside your therapy to understand that doesn't work unless they've encounter therapy.

It could also be a form of trauma recreating you are making happen. Eg going to a group of republicans asking them to understand your democratic thoughts.
Your asking the wrong people to understand something they either wish not too or choose not too. Living you alone feeling somehow 'out there'.
When we've done enough wk in therapy the need for others to get it changes. We know its something that really is personal to us. We may pick up the odd fellow traveller, but it's not something we strive for.

[Moodswing]

I could never tell anyone(besides my husband) that I am in therapy. No way.

Anyone who has been in therapy gets it aka, us we are fellow travellers on a path to inner peace! Outside therapy people don't get it because they are scared to dig deep inside and see what they find within.
Our relationship with our ts are so important and probably the best relationship we will ever have with anyone so people don't get it unless they have been in or had a relationship like that.
I think they are missing out on something very special. I am sorry your husband does not understand Asia, perhaps he is frightened by the deep intense emotions that the termination brought up, I bet on some level he is curious about therapy and the relationship but another it scares him and its easier to not understand?

[tinyrabbit]

To be fair, did you get it before you started T?

[sewerrats]

Theropist are people from another time and universe, I dont understant there heads there wasted a lot more the i am,

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Anyone who has been in therapy gets it aka, us

Sadly not true. Nobody ever understands or gets what other people are going through. Other people in therapy don't know what it's like for us with our therapists. Our colleagues at work don't know what our situation is like at work. Other family members cannot know what we are going through with regards to family. Friends, however caring and close, can never know what we are going through in a relationship, however much we try to explain.

Sometimes other people can get a small part of it, which is what hopefully happens from time to time in therapy, because that's one thing therapists are trained to do. Sometimes we are lucky enough to experience partial understanding for a time, in a close relationship (romantic or otherwise). Sometimes someone else can put words to our own experiences in a way that is truly liberating. But expecting anybody else to really, fully understand our situation is a sure-fire recipe for heartbreak. Other people who are in therapy are going to apply their knowledge of their situation, which will prevent them from understanding your situation. Sometimes it's similar, but it is never the same, it cannot be. People who don't know anything about therapy will of course have an even more difficult time understanding - so I don't tell anybody who doesn't have to know (such as my boss, to explain my scheduling needs) that I'm in therapy. One friend who knows about it is in T, and our experiences and needs are completely and utterly different - it makes for very interesting discussions, but I don't expect him to understand what it's like for me.

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Sadly not true. Nobody ever understands or gets what other people are going through. Other people in therapy don't know what it's like for us with our therapists. Our colleagues at work don't know what our situation is like at work. Other family members cannot know what we are going through with regards to family. Friends, however caring and close, can never know what we are going through in a relationship, however much we try to explain.

Sometimes other people can get a small part of it, which is what hopefully happens from time to time in therapy, because that's one thing therapists are trained to do. Sometimes we are lucky enough to experience partial understanding for a time, in a close relationship (romantic or otherwise). Sometimes someone else can put words to our own experiences in a way that is truly liberating. But expecting anybody else to really, fully understand our situation is a sure-fire recipe for heartbreak. Other people who are in therapy are going to apply their knowledge of their situation, which will prevent them from understanding your situation. Sometimes it's similar, but it is never the same, it cannot be. People who don't know anything about therapy will of course have an even more difficult time understanding - so I don't tell anybody who doesn't have to know (such as my boss, to explain my scheduling needs) that I'm in therapy. One friend who knows about it is in T, and our experiences and needs are completely and utterly different - it makes for very interesting discussions, but I don't expect him to understand what it's like for me.

I don't agree that nobody gets it, yes we are all unique in our experiences and relationships but can empathise and try and walk in another's shoes. How else can a therapist try and understand us or get us? We try to relate to one another's situations and experiences we try to find things to connect with other
people. Of course I know not every will want or even try to understand but I do believe therapy above all things teaches us patience and compassion and a willingness to try and help others after coming through our own stuff. I don't expect anyone to understand me but I think we can relate to one another through our life experiences and plus you can never expect anyone to understand as you have to communicate with them your needs and wants, and this I would not do with work colleagues. I have been in therapy for nearly three years and would not expect my boss to understand because it is none of his business. I wouldn't dream of bringing that to work.

[Nightlight]

Nope, nobody gets it. Even when my GP asks me why I'm more depressed than usual, I often don't know what to say. Oh you know, the one and only person I've ever felt attached to just said something that indicated that there's no hope left in us working together, so yeah, poor me, I have nobody. I actually just say that I don't know or that difficult stuff came up in my life. Bit sad really that even most doctors and psychiatrists don't seem to understand the process at all, although they'll happily prescribe medication for psychological disorders. Recently my psychiatrist (again) told me that it was unheard of for two people to be working together as client and therapist over a number of years and so I needed to end asap. I gather that I'm supposed to take medication and just get on with life. Too bad I've already spent 15 years trying to cope on my own without the help of another person...and it didn't lead anywhere good.

Before I started the process, I didn't understand it either.

One person in my real life has figured out that I have an appointment at the same time each week. If she asks about it, then I'm not quite sure what I'm going say. Something honest without being completely honest...I suspect.

[Asiablue]

I don't tell people i'm in therapy. Only 2 people know, my husband who listens to me whenever i want to talk and does understand to an extent and 1 friend who has been in therapy a long time ago but isn't really understanding what i'm trying to explain to her. But then her reasons for therapy were different to mine. But that attitude of " well if it's causing you so many problems, just stop going. You're the one making yourself go." annoys me.... i don't feel therapy is an option. I NEED it, i need it because things were never going to be right until i get to the core of my problems which were affecting my life. Plus i want to become a therapist, i can't do that until i've fully resolved my own crap.
I'm ok today, i was just frustrated and upset after a conversation with my friend trying to explain why i think and feel the way i do about my therapist.

[WikidPissah]

It's not a natural thing, to go in and bare your soul before another. Even people who have not been hurt as deeply as we have don't walk around pouring out their heart to people. It is a rare thing to be deeply honest, and it isn't comfortable. I think it can be learned though.

[Asiablue]

That's true and i actually think there is a significant percentage of the population who don't have the courage to be that vulnerable. We are the brave!

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

i'm so hypersensitive to change in therapy or why i get angry with her for seemingly illogical things. No one understands why i'm fighting her every step of the way or why i feel threatened by her care.

There are three things that I relate to from what you said, from this bit and the surrounding text. One is that I think that feeling as if others can understand you is part of the journey to healing. There was a time when I felt that no one could understand what I was going through, mostly inside therapy, but occasionally IRL struggles. Some of that, when I look back, may have been projection. It can be useful to look at what we are pinning on other people, especially if it is something that is "hot" or something we think that others do all the time or it pings a repetitive experience with people. For me, I think there was a time when I didn't understand myself, or wasn't able to make much sense about what I thought or felt from week to week. Some of it was, I think, that I was disconnected from others emotionally, so nothing anybody said was ever going to hit that magic mark that made me feel understood. Some of it, now that I think about it, was that when I started to relate in a healthier way to others, including my T, this feeling started to evaporate. I think it's hard for others to feel connected to us when we feel they don't understand-- whether you say it directly or not, people sense it, and it makes them want to push away, or they feel pushed away.

Second, the difficulty with trusting that I had in therapy was mostly about breaking silence about my past. The easier part was understanding that I was a CSA survivor, of course I was going to have difficulty trusting anyone, especially men. One reason why I've had 2/3 therapists who were male. The breaking silence, though, that was loaded and convoluted and just insidious with emotional and physical flashbacks. I was thoroughly conditioned over a long period of time, directly by my perpetrator and indirectly by messed-up dynamics in my family of origin, not to talk, not to disclose, not to let on how I felt. The silence was thick, heavy, appeared to be unbreakable. It did not like being chipped away at, highlighted, turned over like a stone with icky living things underneath it. It was when I was able to sort through all those stories about how I was silenced, when I was able to understand what and who had made me silenced, that's when all those alarm bells (as you say) started fading away and I was able to trust pretty freely, if slowly, over time. I realized and I felt (those usually happen at different times for me) that there wasn't anything and anyone that could hurt me now for telling. In a lot of ways, being afraid of breaking silence is about other people ("they" will hurt me, etc), just like "they don't understand me."

Third, I wonder about the self-labeling you are doing in the quote above. I have felt like everytime I say something like "I am a person who [insert any inflexible, negative trait here, I have or pretty much have had them all]", it shuts me down, defines me in a way that doesn't allow me to move away from that label. I understand that you are making small changes, and that's the way to do it, and I get how hard it is. I feel that you could be working against yourself by insisting that you are "hypersensitive" and all the other things, you reinforce that message and make it more difficult to change. It's like you're wearing a groove in your brain that labels yourself, and then you behave in ways consistent with that label. It may be that you need to give yourself permission to observe the changes you have made and alter your self-perception, if you can't shift the label itself, inside your head.

[Asiablue]

I feel that you could be working against yourself by insisting that you are "hypersensitive" and all the other things, you reinforce that message and make it more difficult to change. It's like you're wearing a groove in your brain that labels yourself, and then you behave in ways consistent with that label. It may be that you need to give yourself permission to observe the changes you have made and alter your self-perception, if you can't shift the label itself, inside your head.

That is a very good point Anne. I don't know if it's one the same thing, but i don't feel i walk around describing myself as "hypersensitive" exactly i just used that word in this post to describe what i feel is going on, like i FEEL or ACT in a hypersensitive way rather than labelling myself as " i AM hypersensitive". This is an example of how words aren't enough to describe experience.