A little more than a year ago I started seeing my current T. A few weeks after my first appointment he went on holiday for two months so it's really only been ten months of regular T, but on the other hand I've seen him twice a week since early November (with a couple of weeks' holiday for Christmas, and another couple of weeks off over Easter). My point being that I've had therapy for quite a while now.
When I started I was a bit of a wreck; I was feeling very unhappy and I didn't know where that came from, and I was having trouble focusing on my work. I was not suicidal and I very rarely did any SH (and never anything serious) but I wanted to be dead, most of the time. I didn't even know quite what it was that made me unhappy, other than the biochemistry in the brain thing. I knew that my unhappiness was my own responsibility and almost certainly my own fault, and that I was objectively worthless.
After a few months there was a shift and I could understand, emotionally/intuitively as well as intellectually, that I was not, in fact, worthless. This is progress. It's a change that has stayed with me.
I have also come to an insight about a couple of external factors that are important. I don't want to go into too much detail here. But the bottom line is that I've misunderstood things about what it means to be in a relationship, and I've never learnt some basic things about how to communicate with others, and I'm forty years old now and it is too late for me. Or maybe it wouldn't be, but I'm too much of a coward to change things - even if I knew exactly what to change. Which I quite frankly don't. This is also progress in a way, because I have gained insight, but it doesn't improve my mental state.
I feel trapped.
Therapy is making it easier, because it means I can say these things which are not ok to talk about to other people. (I know I'm saying things in this post that are definitely not all right to mention to others. I apologise for this, but since I'm a faceless stranger to most of you I hope it's all right anyway.) But T is asking me questions which make me understand how malfunctioning I am. In a way I hate therapy for making me ache with longing for something that's impossible, and for confirming that my unhappiness is my own fault. (My interpretation, that, and not T's.)
It will be another difficult summer, I think, with another two-month T holiday and less RL support than I had last summer. But at least I know that when T returns at the end of August the work will start again - last summer I didn't know that for sure, since I'd only seen him a few times.
So, yes, on the whole there's been progress since this time last year, I think.

[Perna]

With therapy, you have to get all the crap off, the encrustations, barnacles, etc. before you can even see where the problems actually are, where the hull is leaking, how big the problem is, etc. It sounds like you have gotten a lot of crap off and are seeing some of the problems and sizing up the work of fixing them, repainting, etc. but you are losing heart?

I was in therapy a total of 30-some years of my life (I'm 62). I did not start a good relationship until I was around 35 and did not get married until I was three weeks from my 39th birthday. But even figuring out that little bit after starting on the right road when I was 27/28, it took therapy started when I as 46 to really get things fixed and get my life the way it "should" have been and I would not trade anything now for how I have lived my life so far; it has made me, Me, and I wouldn't trade Me for anyone

[southpole]

Thanks for your post, Mastodon. I identified with a lot of it - think I am at a similar place to you. Just wanted to say that I think you are very brave and that it sounds like you are making progress to me

[Yobeth]

Hi Mastodon, my T takes off the entire summer too. From mid-July to Sept. it's really hard for me too while she is away. I know how you feel. I'm starting to get anxious about her vacation now. Last year was really hard.

[Mapleton]

I know exactly what you mean, Mast, about the sense that it's too late. I'm in a similar place.

The problem with losing years to dysfunction is you never get those back.

Why can't therapy be time travel as well? What would anyone give for the ability to take stuff you know now or that you feel/understand now, and apply it earlier in life?

----

P.S. your progress is an inspiration, at least to me. Good luck with the rest of the journey.

[WePow]

It is never too late.

The things worth fighting for may not be easy to obtain, but they are available to the fighters and those wounded who refuse to give up or surrender any more of who we are to the past and the abusers/losers.

Each day and each hour offer us the choice of the NOW.

[archipelago]

I feel for you; I was there too in a way. First it's hard to have such long breaks so that should be acknowledged as something difficult for anyone. Being in therapy can be painful especially when things start sticking out. The problems seem more intense and thick than any "solution" could possibly manage. But sticking with it is part of the "solution" and trusting the process, which seem to. I mean I don't hear you wanting to bail so that's good.

For me I started therapy up with 3 different therapists over more than a decade. Each time I was actually going over stuff I thought I had already worked through. But the current therapist had a substantially different approach and I saw intuitively that it would be worth it to go through it again with him. We do have to undergo something like an operation, which is painful and requires recovery time, but in the end is the best way through something.

I echo those who say it's never too late. I'm starting a new career in my 50s. And for the first time in my life feeling like myself and liking that. I used to think that I had wasted half of my life to doing the wrong things and being ill, but now I'm just excited about where I am and where I'm going.

I'm influenced by knowing lots of older people who have active and productive lives after retirement age. My husband is one. I didn't meet him until he was 58 and we've been together for almost 30 years. I've watched how someone older just keeps going and keeps young and active.

I do understand the feeling that things have slipped by like time itself, but please listen to those who have been there and don't say "it's never too late" as just a slogan. People actually mean it and have lived it. They aren't invalidating your feelings, just trying to say that there are other ways to look at it and separate paths for each person so don't shoot yourself in the foot just because you feel like time has passed. The amount of time you've been in therapy isn't really that long yet. It may feel long to you, but some of us have been in therapy for years and years. I'm not saying it takes that long to see progress. You have already made lots of progress in a short time. You may not want or need therapy for as long as others. I myself will do therapy as long as I live because I like it. It's not a question of symptoms or anything. It's just a special kind of intimacy that I love and a place to explore with another person who is paid to be extra careful and attentive. I feel more understood and authentic there than anywhere. Or at least it helps me stay authentic in the rest of my life. That is priceless and very much worth it to me.

[WikidPissah]

When I started therapy, I was in a pit. Deep dark pit. I couldn't see anything, once T helped me clear things up, and shine a little light I thought...oh shite, I am in a pit, I will never get out. One thing I have learned is never say never. You are starting to see past the sadness to what is causing it, and that's progress for sure.

I know it's going to be a difficult summer for you, but I want you to know that I'll support you as much as I can. I care about you swiss fish...and don't you forget it.

[stopdog]

I am sorry you feel trapped. I think it is good you see progress.

[WikidPissah]

BTW: I think it's SO cool that you can see and acknowledge the progress, even though you still feel quite crappy. That is amazing.

[WikidPissah]

This got bumped to page 2.
It needs to be seen on page 1.

[granite1]

it is never to late to be in a relationship Mastodon.
i am glad you are able to recognise the progress you have made.

[critterlady]

It's never too late. I truly believe that.

I've spent a lot of time kicking myself for opportunities missed. But I'm starting to see that all of those things were just not right for me at the time. The mistakes I made are mostly the result of good intentions, but not having the tools to do differently. I'm 54 and I have hope that the rest of my life will be better than it's been.

I think it's true that things in therapy get worse before they get better. We see how bad things are before we learn how to do differently. My T told me that many people leave therapy at that point, because it just seems so overwhelming.

Trust your therapist to be able to get you through any changes. I think you have a good connection with him. Tell him what you said here. He'll help you through. Really, he will. It may have to wait till after his break, but hang in there, Apt. Come here and vent or PM me or others to get support. You can do it. I know you can.

[Bill3]

I'm too much of a coward to change things - even if I knew exactly what to change. Which I quite frankly don't.

I am glad that you have seen progress.

For now you don't need to try to change; you don't need to know what to change. Continued therapy offers the possibility that these things will gradually become possible and clear to you, over time. Summer will likely be challenging, but my suggestion is to continue in therapy and believe that what has brought progress so far will continue to do so.

It takes time.

Thanks, everybody. I won't try to reply individually, but I really appreciate each and every individual answer.

I will not quit therapy. Not unless and until the day comes when I feel I'm ready to do so, that is, and that day is nowhere in sight yet. I know that my T isn't at all concerned with how slowly things move for me. I have asked him about this, and he replied that he would definitely let me know if he felt that we were not getting anywhere. And I know a year isn't that long, really, but it's hard not to beat myself up for not having come further along. In any case I'm not bailing.

As for change... it's the hardest thing of all, isn't it. Internal change is possible, I know that, even though I'm not so good at performing it. Change can be frightening, but I am working on that. External changes, however, are more difficult. I've put myself in certain situations because of my maladaptive behaviour; if my thought and feeling patterns improve, the situations will still be the same. (Also known as Making one's bed and Lying on it.)

But maybe the insight and clarity and, perhaps, even the courage will come eventually, with more work in therapy. We shall see. I'll have to put things on hold over summer, somehow.

Thanks again.

[Bill3]

if my thought and feeling patterns improve, the situations will still be the same. (Also known as Making one's bed and Lying on it.)

If your thought and feeling patterns change, then the situations are not the same. Your ability to deal with, and modify if needed, those situations is different when you think and feel differently.

But maybe the insight and clarity and, perhaps, even the courage will come eventually, with more work in therapy. We shall see.

Yes. We shall see.

I am thinking that they will come in time. Jmho.