My session was better today!

I didn't scream or cry in the car after my session. I had to hear some hard truths, though, as well as some words that brought me relief.

My T is NOT kicking me out in December. She still believes she can help me, and she is not giving up on me. However, she thinks setting an ending point is a good idea because of the way I am (not her words but I don't remember). The hard part is when I asked what is the least I can pay her starting in March, and she said $100. I said I was hoping that she could let me pay a lot less, so she told me how it's her job, and she has to pay her bills, etc. I held my tongue and did NOT say "If you weren't getting divorced it would be different" though I was thinking that.

So, maybe I can see her once a month starting in March. That's kind of depressing but I don't have a choice. I jokingly said "maybe one of us will win the lottery by then!" She also said it depends; maybe something will change, so I shouldn't spend my time thinking about the $100. I told her I was, already.

I told her that my H said it's my attitude that counts more than whether I see her or not. I can work on my marriage and still see her, if my mind and heart are in the right place. She agreed.

I asked her if she would keep my collage on the wall after I quit and she said that she likes it there, and smiled. That's a good enough answer for me.

I told her about the screaming and she understands the terror. She said that whatever I missed is something that happened and it doesn't matter exactly what it was. She wants me to trust her that she can help me using her methods, when I said I want to work on how not to feel like I'm terrorized or being killed when I think about separating from her. She asked me what physical sensations I felt then, and how I feel in the room now.

My T is always interested in how I feel NOW. She was also interested in my telling her how I felt by the lake one day last week. I felt light, happy, and there was an absence of pain or allergies, or whatever always bothers me. There were cumulus clouds in the sky and it was beautiful! She wanted to me use those feelings when I don't feel so good in my day to day life.

When she asked why I seem to fight her about the SE, I said that she's changed from IFS to EMDR, to SE. She told me to forget about all the initials!! It all works together, if I just trust that she knows how to help me. That made me feel good, that she knows what she's doing with me.

She wants me to refrain from emailing her again. I'm not too happy about that. She says it's for my own good, that she's trying to help me. She said that relationships change, people leave or die, especially as I'm getting older (so is she but she's younger than I am) and the only person we always have is ourselves.

She was glad to hear I'm planning day trips as well as getting the passports. She told me to go out and "LIVE LIFE", and to not spend so much time on this forum. (that last part is too hard for me right now)

I went to the lake after my session and walked around. It was a beautiful day and I felt pretty good.

Glad to hear that things settled down a bit today, and you found some clarity with T. I know it's hard to trust, but that really is what will make things easier - trusting T. (saying that to you as much as to me!)

I am glad to hear it went better this week.

It does sound like a better session I like how your T sounds so caring and gentle through your post. The part where she asked you to trust that she knows how to help you sounded comforting to me, too.

Sounds like a really good session. Enjoy life

Thanks for the hugs and replies. I still feel good about my session. I hope I can go this week without emailing my T, too. As much as I don't like to admit it, I think it's better for me. Writing that makes me cry because my child parts wish they could be with T all the time, and not emailing hurts.

I'm taking the medicine T is giving me. She also lent me her SE book that has exercises to do, and she wants me to do them.

"Growing up" and changing is challenging.....but I am more positive about my ability to do it.

I'm glad things are going well

Sounds like a great session, rainbow!

Hard truths are sometimes comforting. When a T tells you a hard truth, you know its a truth... is how I feel.

Everything else sounds pretty good, except for that concept of monthly therapy... but I so understand the $100.

I mentioned that beggars can't be choosers in my post. You'd be shocked how little I pay, and its still a consideration. I did 3 weeks between eval and T, and that seemed to be a life age. I can't comprehend regular months... some months, I imagine it would just be hellish.

I just lost my reply to you. Here I go again.

Thanks, Mapleton. Yes, I know what you mean. I felt cared about when my T brought up the interrupting and not listening. It showed she's doing her job.

Another hard truth, not emailing her, is more difficult. Every time I think about it I get sad and teary-eyed. I remember when she answered every single email and said she always would. She changed a lot of rules when she saw they weren't helping me. I know I wanted us to be friends, or have a more reciprocal relationship, and it hurts not to, but I always knew that's not what therapy is about. The goal is NOT to become closer to her, though that was always MY goal. Again, my T is giving me a RX to help me, and I have to follow it to get better. I just wish it didn't mean that I have to "give her up".

It was a hard truth knowing she won't give me a big reduction in her fee next year. Right now I pay her $25/week but I won't have insurance in the future. I'd rather see her once/month than not at all. It won't be therapy, though. I tried it with my last T, and it was awful! I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

Therapy seems to be more a benevolent charade of friendship than anything... And there are very protective reasons for the lack of open genuine connection.

I am sorry that your T was lenient at first, and strict now. It's a loss, just like termination. T can't always be there, and won't be there forever, so delaying just delays the inevitable loss and pain. I guess that's the reason for the rules; to negate that later loss.

I have, til now, been a bit relationally blind, so I don't think to ask the questions and mirror the emotions that foster those easy emotional connections, but even so, the 2 relative short term individual therapists that (kinda) terminated me... I can't help but feel it.

I'm very glad that you're pragmatic about this, and have come to terms with what you'll deal with. The time thing, yes... Not ideal, but I know you'd like it more regular. The only thing worse than seeing your T monthly, is less frequently or not at all... right?

The email thing... Yeah... Some option to just tell some who understands and doesn't judge you, in between sessions feels like a necessity for many.

I emailed my new T, without knowing if I could, and without absolutely knowing her email. Absolutely no reply. I'm not sure, but suspect, that I'll be chastised a bit for that in session on Mon... but secretly hope that it was just an incorrect email. I'm going with the 'I broke the rule' version, so I don't get disappointed

Quick question, Rainbow. You said you were not going to have insurance next year. Why not look for new insurance now? We are self employed and have to buy our own policy. It's not ideal, but it is possible.

So, are you going to work on setting an end date with T? Since you are no longer planning to end in December, and are thinking about ways to continue seeing her after March (which is still 9 months away), it doesn't sound like ending is on the horizon. Is T going to work with you on moving towards an end to therapy (which she seems to think is a good idea), or is ending off the table for now? I only ask since it seems like, last week, both you and T felt like setting and end date was a good idea, and now you're happy that T is not going to make you end unless you want to. Is your T being consistent with you on this issue? I only bring this up because it sounds like something that is good to have clarity on and I would think that how T conducts therapy would be different if you were moving towards an ending vs planning another year of intensive therapy, right?

Ooops.. I read one part apparently without gleaning one important fact... sorry bout that

"It won't be therapy, though."

You're going to have non-therapy with your therapist? I'm not sure that I understand.