Session 19-JUN-13: Going to work on abandonment

I told Mr T I wanted to work on abandonment. He thought it must stem from my childhood, and of course he is right. But I’d rather work on Madame T than on my mother, because that’s a relationship that might be saved. My mother is dead, so there is no way to find out what she thought and felt. Madame T may cooperate if we can find the right questions. And my feelings are fresher and more intense. (I expect to be gently turned back towards my mother as the work progresses. )

We compared my mother to Madame T. Mum’s crimes were crimes of commission: bringing her boyfriend home, killing my dog, cutting down my trees. Madame T’s crimes were mostly of omission: things I felt she should have done but didn’t. And perhaps that comes closer to the definition of abandonment. Yet my mother probably abandoned me too. No doubt we’ll be looking for examples of that.

We talked about resistance. “Are you a stone wall?” “It’s worse than that,” I said, “I run an elastic defence, constantly changing my ground and yet never giving way.”

Mr T is going to deviate from talk therapy for a bit. We’re going to do work with small figures and empty chairs. Today he talked me through a mindful relaxation exercise. I did that without any trouble at all.

PS:
Specifically maternal abandonment. I don't get this with men.

PPS:
I'll make a list of my mother's abandonments.

OMG, your mother killed your dog?!?! I'm sorry, I don't think I "heard" anything after that. Was she evil incarnate? I don't understand how people can hurt animals.

Seriously good luck with this, CE.

I am astonished that your feelings about Madame T's omissions seem more compelling than your feelings about your Mother's killing of your dog. And I'm very sorry about that.

It's not quite as simple as that. And yet to a young mind (15), it seems so.
Anyway, I've forgiven my Mum for having my dog put down.

1. I've had plenty of time to forgive her.
2. I've had therapy to help me forgive her.
3. She hasn't caused me any new pain for fifteen years.

Madame T's wounds are fresher and they keep on coming.

That's the way I feel and that's what we have to work with.

CE,
Do you believe that Madame t didn't do these things to punish you? Because I do believe people forget to do things or even do things a little differently than we would like and sometimes we just have to accept that nobody will do things exactly as we want unless we tell them and then they have a choice whether to do them like that.
It just seems to me sometimes that you want to fight Madame t no matter what and she can't do any right.
I am sorry you had such a hard time with your mother and I can understand why you feel this way with Madame t, new t sounds great btw

I am hypersensitive to abandonment triggers. That is precisely why I want to work on it.

See this ^ would lead me to think that your abandonment issues come from earlier in life, and thus working out the mother stuff would be appropriate.

You never speak of your father. Was he around at all?

I'm glad you're working on this in T, CE. And I hope your T respects your wishes to do this work around Madame T....and see where it leads. It surely could lead to some awareness about your mother or other circumstances/people in your life....but I'd imagine that resistance on his part in wanting to start with the focus on Madame T could feel a bit derailing to you.

Could some of the feelings be displaced - ie are some of the feelings about Madame T ones that actually belong to your mother?

I'm really sorry you went through that

Did she kill your dog, or put it to sleep for a good reason? You don't have to answer if you don't want. I just think it makes a huge difference.

My dad shot one of dogs because it was hit by a car and was mortally wounded and suffering. My mom shot one of the dogs because he jumped up on her. I think those are different scenarios.

My father was around and is around and he's not a problem.
A low-watt bulb emotionally, but he was always there.

Yes, of course the issues stem from my mother, but it's going to be difficult to find those feelings.
The Madame T feelings are readily to hand. Couldn't we start there?

Quite likely.

The dog was not sick or injured. My mother didn't want him. I was an inadequate dog owner, but I didn't get much help.

"But I’d rather work on Madame T than on my mother, because that’s a relationship that might be saved. My mother is dead, so there is no way to find out what she thought and felt....."


We don't work on relationships to discover what 'they' might have thought or done. We work on them to resolve the internal realtionship we had with them. Infact working on the relationship you had with your des eased mother will resolve all other difficulties with people.

I am truly sorry. That is awful to go through.

I'm sorry too CE. No 15 yr old is equipped to be a dog owner. That's an adult responsibility and should never be placed on a child.

Why not just tell Mr. T that you want to talk about Madame T and not your mother?

I have told him. But I know how therapists think!

Most likely positive outcome: I work on my mother's neglect and that saves my relationship with Madame T.

I understand that now, and I have forgiven myself. Forgiving Mum came fairly easily after that.

I wonder if things are quite so simple.

In psychodynamic therapy (which is what Madame T does), the patient is encouraged to transfer his external relationships onto the therapist. So far so good. I've done that. Madame T stands in for my mother.

The next step is that the patient and therapist can work though that relationship. T is holding the other end of the rope, so to speak. In theory, T is supposed to be entirely neutral, but I don't believe that can be true in practice. Whatever I say, she must either react or fail to react. And failure to react is not neutral. It feels like abandonment.

Madame T triggers my abandonment feelings but there has been no resolution. It's like we're both making the same mistakes over and over again. I believe that she is supposed help me break out of the cycle. (Is that true, though? ) Her failure to do so feels like more abandonment and so I quit.

I must print this out. It seems central to my dilemma.

It seems you are more comfortable with it being about madam T

Yes I am. But you are right. I've still got more work to do on Mum. Groan!