Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Something I wanted to ask Madame T:
Am I the only one who ever tells you you're wrong?

Sometimes I tell T that he's more interested in being right than helping me.

I'm with you on that!

Dear T,

Do you know what it's like to trust someone and have them stab you in the back? Someone you thought was on your side? Someone you really cared for? Someone you would have gone to great lengths to help if they ever needed you (and ask for nothing in return)?

I know what it's like thanks to you. Now, I will not trust again.

I hope that one day you will challenge her on this face to face.

T,

I know I have to tell you this. But I feel so silly. I'm not the type of person that acts out. Yet here I am, acting out. I know if I ignore it I could get myself in real trouble. But I don't believe I will. So. I'll spit it out wednesday. Hopefully. Argh. Just pretend-telling you here is already hard. Haha.

Here goes: I'm being like a silly 16 year old and don't eat normal. Because it makes me feel in control.

Said it. Now hope you won't judge me. You know I don't have an ED and am otherwise stable. Right? So. Please tell me I'll quit this nonsense in a few days and we'll go back being normal.

Dear T,

I hope things are good with you.

It's been 115 days since I last saw you, 94 days since we last interacted, and I still miss you as terribly as ever. It's beyond lame that I know that, right?

I'm having my procedure tomorrow and I'm terrified out of my skin. I wish you could be there with me or see me sometime soon; I need your reassuring presence. I want to contact you, if only to make you aware, but I don't know what that will achieve. Deep down I know that it doesn't matter to you and you'll just think I'm a pathetic child.

I hate the situation we're in, T, I really hate this.

My heart hurts... Not that you care...

BB x

hi, now I'm getting a sense of what it is like to be on the receiving end of the slow reveal ... we need to swap roles for a bit!

I have to tell you that I can't see you any more after the end of the month, because of my financial situation, and I dread it. When I was worried about money two weeks ago, you said something reassuring about how we would work it out and you weren't just going to kick me out, but I don't believe you and I am afraid to ask what you meant.

Thanks for being there once again. You never want me to apologize. Yet, I'm sorry about having to reprocess the same stuff today. Also, thanks for reading to me.

PS: even though I'm free I miss the bambino.

Dear T--

I really regret my last words today being "It's not a real relationship." You told me to get out of my head for a minute, but I couldn't stop, as usual, and I feel like i threw all the hard work you'd been doing to help me right back in your face.

It was a chance to connect, which is what I always say I want, but I panicked as usual and blew it.

I feel sad and rude and hopeless. Please don't stop trying to connect before I finally work it out, OK?

Can we try again next time, please?

--2or3

28 days til I see you. How could you be so HUMAN?

I think I do know how to tell you this, but I'm not sure if I want to share. I think that this was one of the best sessions yet. You really challenged some of my beliefs and statements I made. I know you mentioned medication again and I was afraid you would since I don't necessarily want to consider that or want to see a psychiatrist. My family has such a stigma around it and part of me has learned (growing up) and my own beliefs it's a sign of weakness, but I've come to believe it's a sign of learning to care for myself b/c I'm admitting I need help.

Dear T: You sounded just like most guys the other day. I know you meant well, but I hated what you said. I trust and respect you. Please don't ruin it.

Dear T,

I have devoted most of my life to my employer. My record was unblemished. Now, you have degraded my name and reputation in only a few months time. I can only hope that you and my manager will suffer the same way when the time comes for you. When I leave my company it will be in disgrace.

whats going to happen today???

What is wrong with us kissing or having some physical relationship while having the therapeutical relationship as well?
You seem to be (at least a bit) attracted to me, so why not?

I mean, I know all about the cons of this, but aren't there any pros? I think it would be a perfect way of showing my affection to you, of letting myself be free and vulnerable in therapy and of making actual progress!
Why are we allowed to have many friends in life, but not many lovers?

Okay, my ideas may be a bit extreme, but daydreaming's nice.

b
Dear T,

Your attitude toward me tonight was despicable. I don't know why I keep thinking you will wake up to your senses. Your arrogance is disheartening to say the least. You've convinced me you're a lost cause.

I will NEVER forget what you've both done to me. NEVER!

T,

talking about getting to college with you is painful. subconsciously i was comparing myself.. to you. i know i shouldnt do that, but i can't help it T. it's like.. what do YOU know about failure? you went to the most elitist school in the country, the top one, and then you went to the best medical school in the country. so what do you know about failure? how can you empathise with such a thing?

i feel so selfish thinking like this.

- htn

I don't think I can continue with group, and I think I give up on everything. I just don't understand what is basic to others.

Dear T,

You disappointed me again, you've hurt me all over again. I do not deserve any of this. When the day comes that you ask "why me?" I want you to remember what you've done to me and say "oh yea, now I know why".

Your T really needs to hear this.

The sad part is that I told him this tonight (except the part about being a lost cause) and it didn't phase him in the least. He made light of the whole thing and said that I will "get over it".

I mean nothing to him. Why is it so hard for me to believe he would take this stand against me?

Last session really helped put everyone back in their corner and I seriously learned something about me and I am starting to have faith maybe you can actually make change happen. I do need you to BACK OFF on me opening my own business right now until I am stable enough not to fall apart at the slightest things.

I hate you. I just plain hate you.
I'm dependent on you and that's absolutely DISGUSTING. I used to be such an independent and strong character. I was a loner, I didn't need anyone! I want myself back. NOW.