Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Dear FM,

I did make some changes. And yet to some it doesnt matter. The kiddo did read one of Snedes books on forgiveness. The other was left at home. I look forward to the continuation of the book discussion with him next month. Hopefully he'll want to continue.

Also, I think I have Aspergers.

Welcome!

dear t,
I don;t want to go tomorrow, because I don;t want to hear your lecture on pushing through the frustration. I don't want to do it. I'm tired and just want to be done with everything.

Dear FM,

You had to hang up quickly to get to your next client. I just wanted to say thank you for reading to me this evening. I'll call you when I'm ready for the next chapter or I'll wait four more weeks till I see you. I'm glad that its my decision.

Shopped for four hours with mom. Even let her buy me a few things that I liked. We are so different when we're together now.

Love,

GTGT

You are so frustrating at times!
(which you know already but since I can't tell you right now this will have to do )

I really love you right now for not talking to the DBT group leader. I am just imagining how awkward it must have been for you to politely tell her that even though I signed a release form on her end that you won't talk to her unless I sign one for you, too. (When I know you want to coordinate with her and would if I let you.) You didn't even say it was because I don't want you to talk to her. She was clearly perplexed.

Sometimes you are just so respectful it is confusing. But also awesome.

Dear T, we just had a session where i talked abt how after all these years insaid i still feel so uncomfortable most sessions and struggle what to talk abt. I've come to the conclusion that i just cant do it anymore. You want me to think abt what makes me uncomfortabel so we have something to work with. But i know even if i can find a reason (or reasons) for that l, i wont be able to tell you. Something comes over me when i go in that room. So while i said i would try, i cant imagine ever goingback. It is too stressfull and torturous. I dont want another seasion where you try so hard to get more than one word answers out of me. Im sick of always worrying abt it. I am seeing EMDar-T on thurs and i will see what she says. I know you wont be happy if i quit, but i just cant do it anymore.

You know, when you encourage me to email you, and then I do, and then you don't reply... that doesn't feel so good. Maybe you'll email me in the morning, yes? Please? Today ended strangely, and I feel like I need some clarity. The T is not supposed to be the one creating the 'doorknob moment'!! No time to talk about what you said... but I think it's important we do talk about it.

T,

i'm scared of seeing the new pdoc. can't you be the pdoc and T?

oh right, the govt's policy. right.

i miss my old pdoc - your colleague - terribly T. but i don't want to bring it up to you. it's embarrassing...

- htn

I seriously regret giving you my razors and I really hate myself for it.

I do feel like dying, soon I hope soon..the hopelessness you speak of, I do feel it most of the time.

Dear T,

Brace yourself. Because, when I walk in there, to explain, what happened over the past two weeks, never mind the past 5 weeks, it may be shocking, because I will be discussing what happened between my two ultra sounds.

I am going to have to psych myself up, no pun intended, to discuss the female reproductive system and how my cancer scare and that go together.

Maybe, this will help all of us, forget about, 'he who shall remain nameless' in the Patriots organization? I am not sure?!

--Me

I'm wasting away...
I'm alive, yet dead inside.
The meds don't work. My ed and depression are much worse.
I need to run away from you.
But I can't. I just...can't.
I'm gonna lie to you on Friday's session. It's just a white lie, I have to. I'll tell you that I'm going on vacation for two weeks.
I hope skipping two sessions might help me.
I don't know what else to do...

Thank you for trusting me to make the right decisions for myself. Even when you think differently. That's one of the reasons I love you so.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( velcro )))))))))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry it's so hard.

That's a big step. I hope that one day you'll be glad you did.

Thanks SAWE. I really think I am going to call and leave a VM before our next session telling her that I just don't think I can do it and come back anymore. I don't know, part of me doesn't want to because I feel bad just giving up after 5.5 years. I was surprised because when I brought this up to her, I figured she'd agree and give in really easy to me feeling like I should quit. She did agree to some of what I was saying, but kept digging in and asking me to think about what makes me feel so uncomfortable so we can work with that, or what I am unhappy about in my life and want to change. I tried telliing her taht even if I can think of things, that doesn't mean I will be able to talk about it. That has been my issue the whole time ive been in therapy.

She did agree that it isn't typical for someone to have been in therapy for so long and still be so uncomfortable most of the time. I just don't think in these two weeks I am magicallygoing to change and be able to be a different person in there. UGH. I do feel bad, but she'll get over it, right?

((Velcro))

Yes she will.

Dear T,

Ok, WHAT were you trying to say at the end of the session today? I don't know if it got jumbled up in my head with what you were saying or what your point was, but I think asking is going to get awkward...but I am probably going to do it anyway. I wish you wouldn't have said anything about it like you did because now my mind is racing around the topic and I want to know what you MEANT.

Dear T,

I'm all alone but I know that's really not your problem. I'm ashamed to come to you and talk about my feelings because it feels like you can see inside me and that you think I'm bad. Like you can see how ridiculous I'm being and its distasteful to you or something. I'm so sure you see something inside me that is so obvious to the world but that I'm missing somehow....Do you think I'm too needy and I should just get over it? Honestly, pleeeaaassee tell me - are you sick of me now??

T - I'm sick of me

I hope you answer me. And I hope everything is okay. It was difficult for me not to just let this go and pretend I felt okay just to keep the peace... but that's what I always did with mum. OUR relationship is stronger than that, isn't it? We can talk about things, we can disagree, pull each other up and say 'wait a minute...', right?

I have been doing better lately but I do still have insecurities. Please be patient. I'm trying to tackle these things like an adult.

I wish you could understand me all the time..

I want to ask you if there's a way for us to stay in touch regularly while I work abroad for a year. I'll pay for your time obviously. But you don't appear too modern with the internet stuff. And I'm just super scared to even ask. Like, wow crazy.

You mentioned retirement at last session and I'm scared you're going to leave me.

Why do you take so many days off so frequently? As much as you worry about me, I worry about you too...