Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Dear T,

I miss you. A lot. I hate it that you are gone for so long, and I hate knowing that you won't waste a single thought on me while you are gone. I hate needing you so much.

Next week is going to be difficult. The week after, too. And I will have nobody to turn to for support. Damn you, why couldn't you have helped me out just a little when we talked about ways for me to get through the summer? Surely you must know that if you ask whether there is anything you can do to help, and don't make any specific suggestions, there is only one possible answer from me, namely that there isn't anything. I'm sure you were trying to get me to ask for what I need, but I will not do that, and now I just feel abandoned. Screw you.

You hurt me.

Dear T,

I'm sorry that I'm back at square one. I'm sorry that I'm so ambiguous and stutter and just basically suck at communicating with you - that I make you work so hard to read between the lines. I'm sorry that I can't get close to you and that I disconnect so much (I really don't do this on purpose, T ). I'm sorry that I haven't told you just how deep and wide my pain is and how much being in therapy with you is triggering it. I'm sorry that you may never know how much I long to be able to be real with you and how much I write you every week but never share it with you. I'm sorry that you are such an amazing T and you are so attuned to me yet its like I reject it ...I reject you even though I don't wanna. I'm sorry that I guess I don't feel I deserve your time or your attention.

T - this sucks

I wonder if this T is really right for you. I sense that you need someone warmer and more flexible, as I did.

I dont know what to Believe. where?

Where is it

Health T, if my neediness makes you go "ick" please let me know so I can run in the other direction.

Dear T,
How do I make him stop being an *** ? Is he going to have to leave? I need him Friday. It hurts and he doesn't care. I know he's sick too but this isn't fair. I think I'm only 'better' out of necessity. I feel like I'm being ripped apart, like he's ripping me apart. How do I tell you all this without you worrying about both of us? **** NY!


MM

Thanks, CE. I appreciate the thought, but I actually think this T is right - maybe not perfect, but a T is like a romantic partner, there is no One Right Person in All the World, but a number of people who may or may not be more or less right. And my T is definitely more, rather than less, right (no, not as a romantic partner ). I don't invite warmth, I know that, and you don't pay a T to care about you personally - you pay for their professional care and interest during session, and I get that in abundance. I wouldn't want a T who used fuzzy-caring-touchy type language, I want a T who speaks like an academic, because I need to be able to relate to what he says. And regardless of which T I had, they would have at least five weeks' summer holiday, probably six, and it's the summer break that bothers me now, really. (Well, that, and also I wish he did care personally, just a bit.)

I only give a small part of the story on PC, of course, and so the picture I provide of T when I rant about him is very skewed. Sorry about that.

when I said it wasn't a problem that you couldn't take my call I really did mean it

I knew you might be busy - I know everything is fine between us

so now ... why do I feel rejected?

stupid neediness!

***** ***** *****. I e-mailed you. I told you I feel the need to stay in touch (therapeutically) when I move abroad. It was the scariest thing to do in like forever. I'm shaking. Well. I guess it's not something I can't tell you, since I told you in the e-mail it was a scary thing for me. But if only you knew HOW scary. *****.

Dear T,

Did you really think she would not go back to the office and tell people? How did you NOT see this coming? Have you ANY idea at all how embarrassing this is for me on a daily basis??? EVERYONE KNOWS!!!

How much of the truth did you tell her? You probably added color didn't you? You needed to make yourself out to be the "great" T who was going to save this poor girl from herself.

Sorry to disappoint. Not only did you NOT "save" me you destroyed me. I was already in a hole and you just added more dirt to ensure I would never get out.

Dear T,
In 3 hours I'll be on my way to your office and I really DON'T WANT TO COME!!!!!
I just want to be left alone.
This whole thing is just a waste of my money and time. I'm a lost case.

I don't want to be sent to another shrink, I just want out of therapy. And no more meds, they're just messing with my brain! I can't concentrate anymore, I can't study! My life's f*cked up and you just shove meds down my throat! I'm tired of this. I'm tired of YOU!

If you terminate me (nicely - I'm sure you would be diplomatic about it), I don't know what I will do i will probably just say "ok" and then walk out the door. And then never go back to T for the rest of my life. I'm bracing myself for the inevitable. I'm both sad for you for having to deal with my ridiculous inconsistency and incongruence and mad at you for what I imagine you will do in a few weeks (probably less even). I think you're going to take advantage of this insurance thing to opt out of me. I think you will "forget" that you said we could figure it out when the time comes re: self-pay. I think you will wrap it all up carefully and sweetly with a little bow and sign off. I think I'll be hugely hurt and pissed off but I won't want to bother you with it so ill remain compliant me and leave all alone. It will be proof that I'm too ****ed up for help and nobody cares.

Dear T,

Thank you for saying all the right things. I wonder why I'm not telling you that, when I'm so quick to tell you when it's wrong.

T,

sometimes I wonder why did you take up my case. why did you choose to help me even though your clinic slots are all booked... why me. i'm not worth it T. i only waste your time. i can't take this pain anymore T. i can't take the sui thoughts either. and there's nothing you can do. i'm just a waste of your time, T.

htn

Dear T,

I wish you would listen to me when I said "I am not doing well" instead of telling me "try harder". I wish you would understand half of me died when my brother did, and that you wouldn't force me to "move on". That's 22 years of my life, you see. That was my whole life, spent with my best friend. It hasn't even been a year.

I wish you'd understand I'm scared.

You encouraged me to reach out to you...call...email. It was the hardest thing to accept. You would check in on me between sessions. I never experienced such kindness and lenient boundaries. You quickly caused me to build a strong attachment. I became dependent on it...on you. You were involved in my life. Always reassuring me you ARE my support system. Then you turned cold. Your warm caring emails turned to diplomatic static professional quick replies. Triggering abandonment issues, negative thinking about myself and trying to figure out what I did to piss you off or to back off. Now I am lost and feel so alone also bitter. The first rule is to do no harm. You have done extreme harm to me. You were the first person I gave some trust to. Never again. I am going to make the session next week an exit session then I will go home self-harm and binge/purge. Thanks for nothing.

Dear Health T-

When I first met you, I gave you my history. I made the mistake of telling you that 20 yrs ago I had a BPD diagnosis. Your body language screamed at me. You crossed your arms and legs--almost a humorous response, as if old Growly is a castrating monster who eats therapists' souls for a living. I made a mental note and didn't bring it up (mistake.)

Now checking out your professional docs online and in one you name borderline personalities as "fatigue-inducing individuals" against which one must maintain a fortress of boundaries. It was an AHA gotcha moment for me.

I want to trust you but how can I now??

Oh no...what a crappy feeling. What are you going to do?

Dear T,

I wish we could turn back the clock. If I close my eyes and wish really hard, will it all be o.k. when I open them?

No, it won't. You told her things you shouldn't have, she repeated things she shouldn't have because she hates me (never liked me from day 1). I realize you didn't know that but it was still wrong for you not to have listened to ME. If you just listened to what I was telling you and believed me, supported me, you would have stopped what you were doing. Instead, she convinced you that I was a bad person. You believed her because she was pretty. That's what it all comes down to if you think about it. You had no reason to keep telling her about me except for your desire to impress her. How far did that get you with her? Is she still your patient? Do you see any hope for her? Now I have to suffer for the rest of my days because of what you've done.

If I close my eyes and wish really hard.....no....it won't work.

I'm so sorry for your loss. T's are supposed to be empathetic. I don't know your T but to some empathy comes naturally and to others they have to try. Maybe he will do better next time and was having a bad day. Maybe he couldn't give you his all. Give him another chance.

It's hard to explain but when people have not experienced a great loss of their own, they cannot identify with you. I might try asking T if he's ever had someone he loved dearly pass away. That might help him go back to his own feelings of pain and muster up some compassion for you. I know losing your best friend, your family member, is the most excruciating pain ever. All I can do is feel for you and encourage you to hold onto your memories. I know you will. Also, I know that your brother loved you and would want you to have happy times again. It's too hard for me to even comfort you. It helps to cry with a friend or T and talk about your loved one. Take care of yourself.

Dear T,

I'm scared to see you when you come back from your vacation. I'm concerned that you will come back wishing that I wasn't your client and would just go away.

When M said that she just wrote you a long letter prior to her wedding about how grateful she is for you, etc. - a letter longer than her wedding vows - it made me realize how you are probably so adored, idolized and loved by so many...and that it feeds your ego. Because I don't do that and have seen your flaws, I am a threat.

I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.

Hey t,
I think I've given up... I wish I could find a reason to live. Because what I'm doing is just existing. And it is painful, excruciatingly painful...

I already know that you are a smart person and great at what you do. Perhaps you are right in that maybe there has been a disturbance between us because that's where my lack of support is playing out, but it is not the whole reason I don't think. I wish that was the case and that it could be explained away like that, but the truth is those feelings of being a burden and fear of you walking away are genuine.