Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Dear T,

I'm starting to realise that I'm very upset, and I think I've been upset for a very long time. Intellectually, I can see I have reasons to be upset. The first 25 years of my life were full of abuse. But I feel like I don't have the right to be upset, like I need you to give me permission to be upset.

I'm glad you're back next week. I need you.

I so often have this feeling of needing my T to validate my worthiness or feeling as though I need his permission. I think this comes from a very child-like place in those of us who grew up in a home where our needs went unmet, or worse, were shamed or actually punished for being expressed. It's seems like another way of asking can you handle my pain.

Indeed. My T once told me he thinks a lot of our work together has been about acquiring rights I should have and don't, like the right to privacy, and the right to have feelings.

I often find an adult voice seems to have replaced my voice, e.g. when I remember things from childhood and say I wasn't upset or scared as it wasn't that bad - that isn't my voice. I don't think I was able to find my voice, as I had adults telling me not have feelings and, like you say, my needs were not met. I'm only now realising what a big deal it is that I was never comforted when I was upset.

T,
I wish you hadn't called today. You sounded stressed and annoyed and actually made me feel incredibly dismissed and child-like.
you text me 2 mins before you called, were you calling because i didnt immediately text you back? Did i irritate you by not texting immediately? Honestly, what the F do you expect, it was 2 mins!
Sorry if i am an inconvenience and a pain and a disappointment...

You shouldn't have been made to feel like that.

T,


Nothing new.

I need you. I need you so much. Too much. I know that, you know that. We've discussed it all before. I'm spinning in circles, spiraling. I hate it, except I think I might like it. I think I might want to stay here. I need you. So incredibly much.

Nothing new.

I think you are doing all this for a reason, but just a little itty bitty clue would help with my anxiety at the moment.

We get to see each other face to face again and I am looking forward to it. I feel safe with you and I hope it's a meaningful session.

I don't know what mood I'll be in tomorrow. Might well depend on what mood you're in and how you are towards me. I need you to be a friendly face.

I need a hug and some unconditional support a lot more than I need a lecture right now. You can resume the weekly scheduled lectures AFTER I feel safe again and pull out of this downward spiral.

I'm so scared to see you again! What if it's not the same? What if you're upset with me? What if you're tired of me being so vulnerable and think I should just get over it, like everyone else always has? If you're not supportive of me, I have no one. You're my last hope I'm holding on to. I feel like my entire world has changed while you've been away. I hope you're feeling better, and up to "handling" me!!

T,
I think I'm stable but my husband wants me in the crisis center. He doesn't like that I can be ****** up outside mood swings. I don't want to talk to you about when to use the crisis center. If I bring it up you'll ask "why?" and honestly I don't want to have this conversation. Our appointment was about a week away.


MM

Dear T,

I wish you could have helped me. I wish none of this ever happened. I wish it were just a bad dream. I wish....

Thanks Rect0. I am hoping i'll be able to tell her in our session today...we'll see

Dear T,

I'm nervous to see you on Thursday....I'm imagining I'm going to be all self-conscious because I missed you but I won't be telling you that, yet I'm sure you will know. Why is it so hard for me to admit that? Is it unnatural for me to care so much? I want to move on with my life but I feel stuck in this cycle, T. I am almost mad at YOU for being so important to me. I know that's not really fair, but it is what it is. I'm mad that I feel this way but I'm certain you probably haven't even thought of me over the past 2 weeks.

I wish you could tell me what I did to deserve this behaviour... Is it my feelings for you? Were you scared of them? You said we will work on them together... What changed?
Why did you abandon me...?

Call me please T, I'm not even angry anymore. I switched to being utterly depressed...

Sorry .....

I need to cry in a safe place but I need someone to force me to do it and not let me push them away when I do. And I wish that safe place could be your office and that someone could be you. Not because I have feelings for you but because I desperately want your office to be a safe place and I desperately want your help to get better.

I cannot do it. I cannot go on. I cannot keep putting one foot in front of the other. I cannot keep breathing. I cannot.

I'm really sorry you're in so much pain. Is there any support you can access e.g. would you call a crisis line?

Thank you for your care. I think I will try to find a crisis line to call. I cannot do this alone and I don't think my therapist is working this week and I do not want to bother him.

Why on earth did I think you would ever respond to me within a business day?

I am trying to believe you whole-heartedly when you say, "You can do this." I want to be able to do this. I know I can. I will. I will be ok. I just keep repeating your words in my head, hear your voice and confidence in me. One day I'll listen to my own voice saying those words, but you know right now I still need to hear you say them. Thank you. Those words were genuine, and I trust you. I can do this. I will do this.

I don't understand, I really truly don't understand. I wish you would offer just a little explanation. I'm not being obtuse or resisting.

Are you really as clueless as you appear, or is just some kind of ruse?