Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

I think I've decided not to do the DBT class right now, and I dread telling you (even though it was my idea), with everything else going on right now. It's funny that I'm more nervous about this than about the fee conversation we're about to have.

You broke my heart today. Absolutely broke my heart.

I'm infertile and you are a hypocrite. You have at least 3 children and I can't even have one.. and you had the audacity to shatter my fantasy (of me having my own 3 children in my life) and how the world was overpopulated anyway so me having my own kids would add to that. Even having one child would add to that. That's your OPINION. You tell me you don't know about IVF, yet you don't care to even research it. You say so many things that upset me. Infertility is SO hard and the fact you don't understand and say so many insensitive things hurt. I can't cope with this pain much longer but you don't care about my mental state. You are supposed to support me but I truly don't think you can. We agreed you would do massages but they don't help and I need to talk.

It's not fair. You don't understand.

Someone was speaking to you when I arrived 3 minutes late at the beginning of our session and you acted like I interrupted and said it couldn't be our session already. It was. You weren't ready for me, you weren't excited to see me.

It's fine, I told you I was leaving soon. It took all the energy I had.

This argument is so stupid and insensitive that I can't even believe a therapist actually said it! Who wouldn't be hurt by it?!

I hope you'll have a child(or three ) of your own sometime and be happy. But if that can't happen, there's always the option of adoption. Motherhood is raising a kid, not just giving birth to it.

T,

I feel my attitude towards you and towards therapy changing. It's most likely because I have to quit, since I'm moving abroad and all. But I also felt extreme exposed the last 2 sessions, letting you know I want you as my T in the future also. I feel silly. I feel like I need to just completely forget about it all.

Really conflicting. I think you'd agree that me focussing on other things is for the best, but I mentally don't wanna close this chapter in a negative light. Only, that is probably the only way I know how to. Emotionally withdrawing and starting to dislike and then forget.

Oh well. Yeh, I'm not telling you this. I told you sort of but you didn't get it. I think. Soon I'll be abroad and all this thinking will be over anyhow.

Velcro I'm sorry it is so hard.

Could you write notes during the week and just hand them to yr T and let her try to bring you out about them?

What does she say about being shut down I wonder. If she is OK with it, can you be also? IDK, just thinkin.

Rectopathic I am sio speechless at the things yr T said and did.

Dear T,
I know I have never told you, but I DO miss you when you go on vacation. Two weeks seems like forever.

Dear T,

I'm not sure I quite believe you even exist anymore. Or rather, I think the person I remember is probably a figment of my imagination. 624 hours to go until I see you.

Dear T,

I hate you. You don't listen to me. You don't believe me. You roll your eyes at me when I say I am feeling.

Take it from someone who changed their major 3 times; find a new job. One that involves not helping people.

I failed again, last night. Feel like a monster. You know why. I emailed you all about it. But what I didn't say clearly, but I pray you understand, is that I am hoping beyond hope that you can find compassion for me, that you can see me for what I am, an honest, sincere failure, not a bad person, but a woman who has given it her all a thousand times, and come up short.

Glad the kids are at camp -the neighborhood bullies are out in full force fighting over one brain. Can't wait to see bambino on Sunday. He's a great kid, very respectful.

I am tired of being like this and am so over it. I feel like what happens to me doesn't matter I am in pain, I don't know what is wrong with me. I wish you could help, but I don't know if anyone can help me, I'm too bad.

Dear T!

Next month's session, is shaping up to be, more 'life changing' events to add to my ever growing list of growth items of this past year

Who knows, maybe the session, after that one, will be even more to add...

My friend, says Congratulations...



Brace yourself...

-Me

Thanks for understanding, T. There is no way to brace for a Tsunami, or the lack of one. Maybe nothing is wrong with me? I don't know. I don't ****ing care anymore. I actually do care and am hanging on, but not by much, okay?

am hanging on, but not by much, okay?[/QUOTE]

Sometimes that's all we can do. : )
Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk 2

Dear T,

You've no idea how much pain you've caused me. Of course it wasn't you alone was it? You had help. I'll never know why you hurt me. I think I'm realizing that now. I never did anything to hurt you to warrant retribution. I'm so upset because I wonder if you just believed me to fit into the stereotype of people to which I belong? It appears that way for sure but I thought you were above that? I thought you saw me for who I am. Did you think I did not rise to the level of a human being? Is it so bad that I feel pain so profoundly, that I have empathy for someone I don't even know, that I am unable to contain my emotions, that I feel love so intensely I could not hide it from you? Is it all so bad? Are these reasons to treat me like a sub-human? IDK. I wish you saw me as an equal instead of someone whose feelings could be tossed aside, overlooked, strewn about and stepped on. I wish you could have treated me with respect.

Dear T,

So, I am sorry about going off on the vet thing (that you had no idea was even going on) via email when you sent me that info I asked for...however, there was that bit at the end of your email about hoping I could "sit back and relax some now."

Excuse me, have we met? Have I ever relaxed about ONE thing in the almost three years we have known each other? No. So although I am sure you thought you were being supportive, I hate crap like that because it has nothing to do with my reality. I am anxious as hell so let's just stick with that.

Dear T,
I don't know how to describe what goes on in my head to you. I don't like those thought trackers that you want me to fill out - they just mess with my brain and not in a useful way. I already correct my thoughts - I'm aware that my thoughts are often wrong! I just can't make myself stop believing the first thoughts. I can believe the second thoughts too. Why is it hard to understand that I can believe two things at once? I wish that I knew you more and trusted you so that I could actually tell you more of the things in my head when you talk. I want to tell you that it makes me feel like all the hard work I've done for myself over the last decade was useless. I wish you understood that I've been working SO HARD for so long and it feels like I'm going backwards with this, and it makes me feel like a child. And I want to say that I'm sorry because I have started off on the wrong foot with you, because you hit a trigger the first time we met when you said a few things that felt like you were thinking I just didn't try hard enough to improve things with my family - you actually told me to have empathy for them! I do have empathy for them, and I told you that then.. and then the last time when I did actually tell yo uthat you hit a trigger. But I can't stop thinking about it and it makes me really defensive and nervous. It felt like I was being blamed for how my family is, and that I just didn't do enough. I did enough - and I've spent over a decade trying to accept that. And I still try. And I still feel horrible and like I didn't do enough, but you know what? That's why I first OD'd. I tried so hard to be what they wanted and it just was never good enough and it never will be. And I just wish you could take a moment or two in my brain to understand it properly because I don't trust you enough to share it fully yet. And I want you to know that I'm trying. I really am trying.

T

we really need to talk about the pdoc next time we meet. and i'm really sorry to tell you that i'm really in a bad state and i don't know whether i can live the next day anymore...

htn

(((Hugs)))

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk 2

I hope you enjoy your holidays, T. Get some rest and have fun.

Thank you for saying I can call/email you whenever I need to.
I'm scared of the long break of our sessions. I'm sensing that I'm gonna get worse while you're away.

I'm also quite stubborn --as you probably know by now-- and I want to prove myself I can get by without you, ergo I don't want to contact you and I'll do my best to achieve that. Kinda childish, I know, but I want to feel independent again.

Ok, I'm not alright with you having other clients. Yep, I pretty much think I should have you on private retainer. I can't tell you how intensely I want to talk to you even when I have nothing much to say, or *know* that I really, really need a break from the intensity of therapy. Sigh.

Health T-

A minor complaint...the chairs in your office are uncomfortable and florecent lighting makes me feel like I'm in a horror movie.

See you Monday.

I'm terrified that we only have a month left together. I'm more terrified that I have no idea who I will see when you are gone... I wish we had more time, we are just starting to figure each other out. I was finally trusting you. I'm really worried about the future. It making the present that much harder to get through. I don't want to be struggling on my own again. I'm going to miss you.

Dear T,

Didn't you think I suffered enough in my life? Did you have to add to it? Did you really have to make a public fool out of me? I will never live this atrocity down. You have ruined what little dignity I ever had. This is the worst thing you could possibly ever do to me. No logical explanation exists to support your perverted sickness. I don't think you're getting any help for it either. You really should. Someone should recommend that you get help. Anyone who would do this to me cannot be in their right mind. I am suspicious now of everyone in my life. I am arguing with close friends because I don't know who else you've contacted. Who else have you told? Did it begin and end with HER? Was it necessary to give her a blow by blow account of my entire life??? NO, NO and NO!!! It was uncalled for. It was brutal. Why not pick out someone on the street and tell them? There must be a law against doing something like this to someone. You should have considered that before confiding in her. Were you really that smitten with her that you had to keep telling her to come back to see you? Did you offer free counseling to her? Why would you keep seeing her after you found out that we knew each other? What went on here? I see the similarities in how you both think. It's SICK!

I'm so upset. Another sleepless night with more problems, yes more on top of what you've thrown on me. Life s___ks for some people. But not for you.