Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Hankster: Why do you say it is brave of me to post this? My T doesn't read PC as far as I know. Even if he did, on occasion, he doesn't know my name here. But of all the places to go on the internet...do you think I'm brave because you think my T would see himself here? You think many T's read PC?

Thanks for what I think was a heads-up? I got scared and deleted my message. But I do wonder if she hooked him up. So your T is seeing your girlfriend? Ouch! I'm sorry for how that must make you feel.

No, not that your or my t would ever read what is posted here. I just have a hard time even admitting to mysrlf that I even think like this. It's too painful. And no, I don't believe my t ever saw my girlfriend - but what is important is, why do I have this runaway jealousy? It's not good. It's unreasonable. Where does it come from? And if it's not them, it's just going to be the next person I get attached to.

So no, I didn't mean it as a heads up to you but to me - that I still have work to do. We have been talking in t recently about how I have avoided good feelings in order to avoid bad feelings. So it makes sense for it to come up again now. I've also been thinking about this gf, who I have been avoiding lately. Life sucks.

Dear T:
Sometimes I'm glad it affects you when I SI. Everything you do affects me so much and sometimes I feel like you get to hide behind being the professional while I'm the one with everything on the line. Sometimes SI makes me feel more powerful because I can make you feel something.
When I make myself pull back from you, I feel like I stop existing. Everything is hanging in suspended silence now, waiting for things to be OK with us again so I can feel like a whole person again. I wish you knew what it feels like on the inside for me. The hot waves of pain. I just want it to cool down. You can just go on with life and onto the next person, but I'm the one sitting here with it all.

No, I'd still freak. He said he would be off monday and I think he's lying about the reason why he gave me but I don't want to say anything. If anybody else here admitted that, I'd be saying, oh you should tell him! I am such a butt sometimes!! Oh well! Okay, I'll tell him tomorrow. Otherwise I'll be freaking out all weekend. Double ugh!! This is not MY mind, my problem - it's my inherited craziness. I am different. I am better than this. Right? I can choose differently. Is that enough? That's the question. It's only a feeling. I can decide how I want to react. The problem is, if you stifle some feelings, they bite you in the butt eventually. How do youvtell the difference? That's the $60,000 question.

Michelle, thanks for talking this over with me. And again, thanks for your openness in sharing your feelings about it. I need to do more.

***Triggering***self harm



Dear t,
I wish i could talk to you about this. I'm sorry i did it. I feel so dissapointed in myself.
Two weekends ago when i was alone i tried to hang myself. I used a ...on the ......... I don't know why i did it. I was sad that my girls had gone with their dad and for a minute thought i would like to die. I thought about my brother and how he hung himself and i thought about what he felt going through the motions. I don't know why i went ahead with it. It was like a dream, like it wasn't even me, like i was watching myself. I was so numb. I did this and it almost worked but i managed to break free. It was really horrible and i can't stop thinking about it. But at the same time it kind of felt good. That finality feeling.....i feel so bad that i did this. I really wish i could talk to someone about this, (you) but i can't tell you this. I don't know why i went ahead and did it. I'm scared now. My poor brother. It did not feel very good...it felt traumatic. I can't stop thinking about it.

T,

Thank you for clarifying that for me. I'm sorry because I'm still holding back many things from you. I still don't know....

- htn

Dear T, I feel like I don't deserve to be in therapy and that you guys just want me to leave. You seem so supportive in therapy and you really want to see things improve for me but sometimes I just feel like everyone there hates me. I wonder whether you and everyone else are just pretending to be nice to me when secretly you guys are just trying to throw me out. I feel like things are getting better but they make me feel as if maybe I don't have a problem and maybe I should give up my slot to someone else with more serious conditions. Are these thoughts just in my head or are they really real?

(((Wolfie)))
I often think this way. Huge hugs to you.

Dear T,

I need your help. I can't do this alone but I don't have the strength to call you. I'm a mess right now. I'm scared and I feel like I'm drowning. Please help me through this.

I've been having chest and neck pain since Tuesday.
My esophagus must be a mess because of all that purging. I don't feel like doing anything to fix it though.
Does this make me passively suicidal?

I can't sleep properly, I have a weird headache that comes and goes, plus I don't wanna do anything.

My mom wont give me money and I need gum and more cigarettes. Basically I need to b/p, but I'll try to fool myself with gum -- if I manage to get my hands on any, that is.
If I don't...I'll have to spend the rest of the day sleeping. And I don't even know where she hid the sleeping pills. ****.

God, I wish I had a job, it sucks depending on her stupid money.

I still wont call you though. I get very stubborn when I feel rejected. I need lots of things, but NOT YOU.

Dear T,

I miss you, damn it.

You said you don't plan to retire. That I can come for therapy until you die if I want to. You'd better mean it.

Dear T,
yesterday somebody made a comment to me about one aspect of my life, which really upset me, but at the same time I think it may be true, which is even more upsetting. (In fact, the only non-upsetting factor was that it was said at all, because that was an act of caring.) If it is true it's awful but it may mean a way forward, and if it isn't, I'm awful and still as stuck as I am now, basically. I have to talk about this. I have no idea what you will say, though - maybe you'll dismiss it because it was somebody else who said it to me, so it didn't come from myself? I can't stop thinking about this though. I really have to try to bring it up. But how in the name of all the mustelids in the forest do I do that?

((Soul))

Unemployment is soul-destroying.

Dear T,

I know therapy is about me, not you, but I still would really, really like to know your feelings when you paint. At least the ones you can tell me. Do you plan those abstract paintings or just start painting? I don't understand and I want to. I don't know HOW to paint like that. I tried but my squiggles looked silly, though I enjoyed doing it!

I want to talk more about painting my way and your way. I don't think I necessarily want a painting of yours anymore; now I have two of them on my computer! What I would like to do is know what makes YOU tick. Just a little bit. Maybe I know already. Why did you paint that picture the way you did? Painting is your passion; can you share a little bit of it with me? I'm curious about you. This is NOT from the part who can't leave therapy or wants you to take care of me, or the part who is in love with you. It's another part, and I'm being curious about her. I'm looking forward to painting together. I think it will be part therapy/part real life. Is that okay?

Thanks for being you, T.

rainbow

Dear T,

I'm so tired, so upset....I wish things were different. I thought you understood me. Where did I go wrong?

Dear T,

I'm not sure how much more of this life I can handle. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of watching the train headed for me and not having the energy to do anything about it. I don't want to admit that I'm dangerously close to giving up. My daughter is the only thing that's keeping me here. I hope that will be enough to keep me from going over the edge.

Dear T,

Thank-you for reminding me this is all voluntary, even when I feel it's not. Thanks for being honest that you struggle with the debate of medicating unwillingly. Thanks for understanding my fears. Thanks for reminding me each time I have tried that it doesn't end well. Thanks for saying you'll be there no matter what my choice. Thanks for sneaking in that you fully and completely believe I need medication while trying to be non-biased Thanks for the personal story. Thanks for understanding that it's not lack of education that I struggle. Thanks for saying we'll work towards non-medication solutions no matter what I choose. Thanks for telling me your not telepathic. As much as you cringed thanks for reassuring me I'm not fully misdiagnosed, just partially . Thanks for being a bit upset we always cycle through this. Why do you want to see pictures of my family?


MM

Dear t,
Thank you for calling me today after i cancelled. Thank you for changing my day and time and helping me adjust my payment. Thank you for telling me i have to come in tomorrow at 10am or i will be terminated. I need tough sometimes. I needed that push. I'm scared and nervous about seeing you tomorrow, it's been almost 2 months and i'm sorry. I will be honest with you when i see you. I hope everything will be ok like you said.

Why the **** can't I just tell you that I am thinking about suicide every day and I need support? Why do I have to play that game where I try not to say anything because it seems totally stupid and then I feel invisible because you don't get it even though it's my fault because I SUCK AT ASKING FOR HELP. I'm not worried you will put me in the hospital (I believe you about that)...I am worried you will just not give a **** and not take how much I am hurting right now seriously and I will just prove to myself for good and all that talking about things really DOES NOT HELP because no one can care about me and it is my fault because I am just born to be invisible.

Dear T,

I miss you so much. The last few weeks have been very hard, and I know that I have grown...but I still need you. I'm afraid you won't be well when you come back, and I'm afraid you will not be back last week like I had hoped. You have been my rock, you have believed me before i believed myself, and accepted me before I even disclosed. Thank you. Please heal fast!!

My t told me the same thing. What's up with that???

Dear T,

I'm sorry for being depressed again, I don't know if I should tell you I am or not. I feel like I messed up my progress because of it

Dear T,

I hope you had the decency to tell my manager that you made a mistake about me. Since you're so close and all, I'm sure she'll understand. I mean if you told them that I was sui. IDK. Did you fix that? Or, did you tell them something else? Did you make up other false claims about me? At least you should have the decency to tell her you made a mistake, if you can't own up to things with me. I am stuck living with the false accusations you made against me. I didn't even get a fair trial.

I miss you.

Dear T,

I'm going to apologize in advance as I have a feeling that when I'm back in town I am going to probably lie or dodge a lot of topics when I see you next. I'm scared to go in to see you, and I don't really know what I will end up talking about. I just know that I don't really want to talk about it. I wish I trusted you but I just don't know you enough. I'm scared of you judging me or pushing me to do things that I'm not comfortable doing right now. I'm scared and worried that I am going to frustrate you when I don't WANT to be difficult, I just don't know how to change my beliefs about myself; I've been trying for over a decade and it just doesn't seem to change. I can train myself to believe good things... but it's all a hge mess of contradictions because I still believe all the negative things - no matter what I might say, I do still believe in them fully. I don't want to disappoint you, but I know that's what is going to happen so I'm scared of actually being honest. I don't know how to really be honest wth you when I don't trust you.

I'm dwelling on this too much I think. But I can't help it.