Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Dear T-
You are a liar,,,You had no idea how bad /low/ dysfunctional I am...You just said that stuff because I brought the County's name in. Now you are aware that I advised the caseworked about the "vision board"...you are back peddaling...And BTW, STOP trying to make me feel worse because I am not and have never been married and you are. You cannot even remember the odd name of my neuro disorder...soemthing which is important asif affects by reactionto the meds. GET A CLUE!

Dear T,

I'm not sure I need my memories to know what happened. I think I've always known. This has always been my narrative. I just didn't think it was true.

TR

Dear T2,
Gosh, I like you so much. You are truly a kindred spirit, and you have been very helpful in very concrete ways during this time while T1 has been away. I hope, if T1 is able to see me when she finally gets home, that you don't take it as a comment on you professionally or personally when I go back to seeing her. I was just doing such deep work with her, that I can't imagine not finishing it if I have the chance. You're lovely, and I greatly appreciate you.

T,
Thank you thank you thank you for the message!!! It made my day, my week! You're right - I CAN do this. And I WILL.

Dear T,

I thought I was depressed a year ago. That's nothing compared to how bad I feel now. This is the worst pain ever and most people don't understand. I guess you don't either, otherwise, you would have at least tried to fix the mess you started. I can't believe you care so little about me. I'm still in denial. My heart is broken in pieces. Today was another bad day for me. I wanted to call you. Now I'm afraid to call you. I don't know how to handle this. How could you do this to me?? HOW?? That's what I want to ask you. I don't understand. I can't trust anyone. I feel so violated. My privacy has been taken away. How would you feel if someone did this to your loved one? You'd be mad as hell that's how you'd feel. Why don't people think about the consequences of their actions and words? Haven't I suffered enough? How much more can I take?

Dear cbt health T-

Thank you for giving a little educational advice to my doogie howser MD. This child now has a slight clue on how to deal with adults with traumatic histories. Well done but I could use more help...

My whole medical clinic is sorely uneducated about trauma, possible abuse and how it affects healthcare. If I have to explain to my dr or staff one more time why I refuse gyn exams, i will scream.

For fuuck's sake, can't someone write this shiit down so I don't have to explain myself every visit?? Or, instead of checking it off their list of mandatory things to ask, can't someone work with me to find a way around this phobia? Doogie treats it as a yes or no discussion, end of story. If you took the time to help me I might be able to get through it.

So health T please school dr babycakes in sensitivity
I hate my MD, I love my T's

Dear T,
I'm struggling a lot in pretty much every area right now. I don't know who I am, or who I'm supposed to be. And I can't sleep more than a few hours every night and it's really grinding me down. Next week is going to be so intense at work, and this weekend is insane, and I just have no time to recuperate. I miss you. I know I'll see you in a few days, and I know it's stupid to miss you, but I do.

Dear T,

I'm irritated with you. I wonder if you could tell last week? Cause I didn't even realize it till the next day /: I'm annoyed with you. Why do you always have to seem so put together and in control??? It's annoying. I'm sick of this crap. I want to move on with my life but then again, I don't. Because I know that's fantasy-laden and magical thinking.

I'm pretty sure you're close to terminating me - and that you will do it in an underhanded "professional" manner that I will not have the skills to confront...and since you know that about me, you will use it to your advantage. I can't trust you. But I desperately want to. I want you to rescue me but you won't do that. I fail to see your role in this again (?) I've lost perspective and feel like I'm back at ground zero. So what are you going to do??? Just sit there and tell me it's normal what I'm experiencing or name my feelings for me?

Look. I need someone to care about me more than you let on. I need to be important, but I feel like a number and that all I share with you pours outta your head the moment I leave the room - you pour it down the drain. A waste of time. I know that this rambling is not fair to you so I wouldn't impose it on you in real life. You should not be so important to me and letting you know that you are is hard.

Dear T, I wish you were back from your break because I feel like there are so many things I want to tell you. It's funny though because I always want to tell you so many things but I never get the courage to share them with you. Somehow, I wish you would just tell me what's going on so I'd understand what's happening to me. I know, I'm afraid of facing the memories and you're afraid of forcing me to go back there again, but right now, I wish I could just get over it. I hate having to deal with this sometimes. I can't tell anyone about this or talk to anyone about what I'm going through because they wouldn't understand. I wish you were back soon....

Why do you have no reaction when I cry?

Why didn't you tell me you would miss me if I were gone instead of telling me what a mess I would make out of your life?

Do you actually care about me as a person?

Do you really think you can help me?

Dear T,

I wonder if during this 3 week holiday you have thought about me as much as I have about you?

In our last email before the break, you signed off with Love (your name) for the first time in the 4 years I've known you and it felt like you meant it on some level.

I'm anxious seeing you again.. I'm waiting for you to tell me that you're stopping your practice soon and fully retire. I'm scared this was the longest break you've ever taken so you could see how your clients coped.

I've been drinking at night. I thought it might help, but it hasn't. I have lived all my life without drinking, but feel so desperate that I will pretty much try anything at this point.

So t here's the deal. When I move next yr you'll leave here and open a practice where I move okay?
Okay, I know that can't happen but just an option.

On another note, now that I'm done damage control and episode prep I'm willing to try talk about my ED but don't know how to tell you.

Dear T:

Looks like I will have to call and reschedule my appointment for tomorrow. My kids were supposed to spend every day, all day with their dad, on his vacation week.

Just because, I have somewhere to be, mainly, your office, he's backing out of taking the kids, or doing anything much with them. It's more important for him to stick the screws to me, than to spend time with his children.

As soon, as my child support posts, anyways, (thank goodness for garnishment), I am gasing up my car, and bringing my kids to my dad's for the week. Time with their grandparents, instead.

This way, too, I will be able to go to work, the one mandatory day this week, then take my four day vacation, as planned.

I will just have to reschedule. I am going to look into after school programs for the kids, too. As to no longer be dependent on his visitation schedule to be reliable enough to believe that I can live my life around his schedule.

-Me

Dear T,

I'm strongly considering stopping therapy with you. Maybe just a break until this huge life change is over...or maybe for good /: I don't think I can really work on the therapy with all of this going on...and I don't know if I need or even want to anymore. Part of me will be really saddened to break it off and part of me says why waste time and $$$ on T when I can't stay present in the room anymore? What's the point of that?? It's ALL just so confusing. I can only feel irritation and anger at this point and everything else is completely numb. I don't want to sit there staring at you so....I'm thinking of just being the one to say goodbye....the question is how will you react to that? I'm guessing you will just say ok and call it a day. I don't think you really believe I need you anyways.

Dear T,

You showed up in 1 of my 3 dreams last night. One was a nightmare about my latest ex. One was a back-to-school nightmare. The third one was a nightmare about you. Congratulations!

I'm really not looking forward to seeing you again. Nothing person because I think YOU are a nice person, I'm just stressing out way too much about having to talk about anything. It hasn't been the most pleasant month of holiday, and I have no idea what to say to you about any of it. Or about what I thought of all that homework you had me doing.

Dear T,

Why did you ruin everything? Or, why did you let her ruin everything? Not sure which way that goes.

Why didn't you stand up for me? You promised me.

Why did you trust her and not me? I'm not getting that at all.

Dear T,
Ahem! I exist ya know.

You're supposed to be back today and I'm doing as crappy as one can do. Would you mind giving me that ****ing call you were talking about? Seriously, I need a session. I don't know what to do with new T and I don't know if I have to dump you. But I have a feeling you're gonna dump me first.

Aaah, my brain is on fire.

T,

I'm in a crisis. Best thing is: I don't want to see you. I don't feel like caring anymore. I just want to throw in the towel.

htn

T,
I know if I skip you'll be worried and could possibly call but I don't want to go. Do you relies how much of my writing you can bring up on this horrid topic. Just thinking about it makes me not want to go ever again. I know I have to talk to you about it because I have to warn you that it's my meds not a change in behavior. I don't want to worry you later and having this conversation when my mood shifts is not the best idea. This sucks! I know I'm just stressing myself out, because you'll be completely non-judgmental but I can't even sleep I'm so concerned. I really don't see this going well. I also should probably tell you about my irrational thoughts, but maybe I should just wait on that until next time?.

Eventually, I have to ask you how many times you would have asked me to go inpatient if I wasn't terrified of it. I don't think my next therapist will be so understanding because of liability issues. How do I find one that is?

Please don't let me down with this. I'm fragile and break easily

I'm sorry, I thought I was passed this but it seems all the anger I had at the world last week is now directed (unfairly) at you. can we reschedule? I can't handle transference issues on top of the real stuff.

I'm trying to tell myself that the reason you never responded to my email asking if we could reschedule tomorrow's session because I have to work is because you never saw it. Or because you're looking for an open time. But deep down I know the truth: you never responded because you don't want to. Because I am bad and deserve to be punished this way.

Dear CBT T-

Thank you for being a trooper into girly-land health issues. You took it like a champ. I can't even say "pap smear" without cringing but you had no problem saying it, with that whole conversation. You have been so helpful on such odd array of my pent up issues and I am grateful for it.

I was doing so well and my parents called me at work and triggered me big time. Once again they are talking about dying (they aren't) and downsizing and dying again. And did I mention that they won't live forever?? I don't know what they get out of this, but it hurts. No plans to come visit me, no plans for the living, just talk of death.

I'm scared T, these conversations make me feel really alone.

Dear T
I half want to apologize for the "nasty-gram" (also known as email) that I sent to you last week. Half because my logical rational self knows that it isn't about you, it's about me...my stuff. I realize how much work I need to do...it's painful. The half that does not want to apologize is my emotional self...because that kid in me is hurting. I have pretty much blown off all the inner child stuff off over the years, ignored it. But ignoring it is toxic...it is like a cut that won't heal...not until I care for it properly. There is this sad little girl way deep inside ...it was her who lashed out at you...it felt safe. But I feel bad about it...hope that you understand.

Dear Ex-T,

I don't really know what to do anymore. NewT suggested journaling, writing you letters, but I think I've finally run out of words. I haven't seen any evidence whatsoever that you're willing to hear me out, even if we do go through these "closure" sessions. Which I'm still on the fence about, btw. Like I've been telling NewT, I can't imagine not ever seeing you again, and yet, I really, really don't want to feel retraumatized. Seems that has become your specialty.

Why is it so difficult for you to acknowledge that you played a role in the ending of our therapy? Why are you so willing to let me take the fall for everything? Why do you come off as such a ****ing fake ***** in all of your emails?

I'm so tired, exT. I don't want to ever think about you again. Too ****ing bad I can't just turn my head off.