Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Why can't you see I am too damaged beyond repair?

Because maybe you're not? (((hugs)))

I'm sorry you feel like you are.

My T doesn't do platitudes or say things just because- so I guess it may actually be true. He crazy.

Dear T,

I'm already starting to question why I'm in therapy and if I even need to return now Im annoying to myself, T. How can I NOT annoy the hell outta you?? I don't like feeling so insecure and needy. It's just not right to feel that way as an adult. I mean, what purpose does that serve? I feel like I need a professional who has countless other people who need him and he prob doesn't even remember my name half the time from one week to the next!

It all seems so utterly ridiculous to me....not that your not a nice guy cause you prob are, but needing you?? I hardly know you...

This therapy thing is starting to seem more and more dumb the further removed from you I get. But I'm trying hard not to cut you off - that is my pattern after all...

Dear T,

I need a hug tonight. You're probably out having a grand ole time and I'm upset over how you've hurt me. What's fair about that?

T,
So my moods good not to high not to low but I want to flay my skin off to get rid of the "bugs". I know "take my PRN" Sorry but I will not take it. It's making me get even fatter! How the **** is it okay with you guys for me to gain 4 pounds in 6 weeks! I don't know how long the threat of hospitalization and med changes will keep me from destroying myself for momentary peace.

I wish I could visit you this weekend. I wish the boundary thing wasn't there.

Dear T2,

On Tuesday I really hope I find out that you made that call. I mean, REALLY.

Whoa, I haven't realised you're such a ****!

I called you in crisis mode, having suicidal ideation and all you could say was "I can't talk to you right now, can you call me tomorrow morning" ??????

Really?! Not even asking if my life's in danger? Not even one ****ing word to calm me down?
Are you trying to get me to ditch you?

I hope you're not wondering why I didn't call you... I'm looking for a new T. You just go **** yourself.

Therapeutic detachment can be a real pain. I suspect it benefits the therapist more than the patient.

Dear T, I wish you could give me all the answers I was looking for. I don't know who to trust, I don't know what to do. How do you differentiate between what is imagined in my head and what is really real? I can't get the memories or thoughts out of my head and they just keep replaying over and over again. I want to run away. I want to drop out of therapy. No matter how much improvement I've made, sometimes I just want to give up and never have to face all of this again. I don't know if you can even help me...

Dear T,

I am most upset by the fact that if I am truly honest with myself, well, I miss you! I do not want to miss you. I don't understand why I do. It makes me feel so small and vulnerable. Why should I miss you, T? It's only two weeks! ugh. I hate feeling this way. I want to move on as things have been going so well over the past week but now I'm landing back on the ground and looking around, it's not so hot anymore /: why, when I'm doing well, can I not imagine ever going back to that horrible black pit, but then I eventually look around and see I'm there again??....then I can't imagine ever getting out.

T, I don't want to see you again. I want to be better and done with all of this....but I don't know how

Hey old T...
I'm awfully scared of leaving you. I feel lost and abandonned and... sad. The saddest I've been since December.
I'm going to miss you. A lot. But I have to go, our relationship is eating away at me.

Thank you for your help. Thank you for proving to me that I can actually relate to others, that I have good things inside me. Thank you for showing me how to let you touch my soul.

I love you(don't panic, I mean it in the most innocent way) and wish you all the best.

Dear former t,
Thank you for calling on Friday. I'm glad we had a chance to talk a bit and say goodbye. That meant a lot.

Dear new t,
Can we hurt this learning stage up and get down to business? I'm inpatient and have so much stuff I need to say. I know the trust piece is up to me, but if you can figure me out faster, that would be great. Thanks.

Dear T,

So how does it feel to have humiliated me? Embarrassed me? Shamed me? Are you proud of yourself? Do you think this is all a big joke? Did you get enjoyment out of hurting me? Do you think this is over because you want it to be? It's not over for me. You have destroyed my pride, my inner core. I am mortified. While, you are there laughing with your friends and latest love interest (I'm sure you've suckered in someone else by now), I've been over here crying every day for the last 5 months. Oh, I may have skipped a day recently but I made up for that too. You've hurt me beyond reason and I will never forget it. The suffering is not over for me. I don't know how you can live with yourself after what you've done. No remorse or guilt either. No apology!!!! Where is my APOLOGY??? I'M WAITING!!!! I'm waiting for the explanation you come up with too. I'm sure that will be a great "story". If it's anything like the "stories" you suggested my manager tell me to "win me over", you can save it! I've graduated from kindergarten.

Just reading about abuse and had a delayed reaction ((tears)).

Can we talk about some ordinary, present day stuff next session? I've lost you as a person. I've become so lost in being triggered, all this intense stuff, that I forget who you are and that we're on the same side. I can barely even see or hear you. I need to remember that you're the same person I felt close to before. I was WAY too flooded after last time. You're going away soon and I need us to end things on an Ok note. I hope we can come back to some kind of solid place because it has been brutal lately.

Hey T!

Guess what? I'm going to call tomorrow and finally be able to set up an appointment with you again. Hopefully I'll get to see you again the first week or so of September. Hallelujah!!

Dear T,

Hi! How's things? I've had a most interesting weekend. Would love to tell you all about it. I've really needed to take all my gut feelings 'there.' Gawd, I know for a fact, I am a woman, but I've had a ton of 'guy' thoughts course through my brain.

So glad Brady is back on the gridiron. Hockey training camp, sounds productive. Red Sox, hey wow! Celtics, they'll be quite a different team, this coming season. Maybe, we can discuss, how Tebow fits into the team, would be interested to hear your opinion, on the matter.

I enjoy those discussions, immensely.

See you soon.

-Me

Dear T-

Why do you ignore me when I talk about my anxiety?? If you do NOT think it and my agoraphobia are real, then I HOPE YOU experince the stomach aches & anxiety that I am experiencing (and have been) to go to the Neuro, an appt I HAVE to go to sooner or later....

ALso when I bring up the past, you just dismiss as "it is in the past so forget about is". Well I do not POSSESS a mind earaser? do YOU...because if you do, I will purchase it from you, use it, and then market it for all of the other people whom can NOT forget about the past...what is your D***
problem???????

Why when you go on holiday does my life throw up life changing events?

Hey T,
*sigh*

Both T's you are both away for different reasons. I should miss you but I'm a little relieved to be off the hook.

Dear T,
Enjoy your holidays, I am glad you are going to see your family and the new arrival. I wish I was part of your family because you would be such a great mother, the kind I have dreamt about and longed for all of my life.
You know I will miss you because I told you.I think we finally moved onto the next stage together and we shared a moment on Thursday with our mutual hate of our ex ts. It helped that you understand what I went through and that you idolised your t too. I am glad you told me that and that because of her you swore never to treat a client badly and always with kindness and I believe that you would never be unkind because it is just not in your nature t. I will miss you

I can't even imagine...I'm sorry that your T was so utterly insensitive. You deserve much better!!!

Did you ask former T to call?

Thank you 1step.
I don't know why he's doing that! Maybe he thinks that I'm lying about the whole thing, just to get him to talk to me(because of my transference)?

Funny thing is, yesterday I texted him and actually apologised () for not calling him, making a stupid excuse and asked if he could contact me when he had time. No response today, and it's already noon. WTF?!

Ah, tomorrow I'm meeting new T and I'm SO nervous!!! I thought he could help with that, but apparently he doesn't want to. I feel a little abandonned.