Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Dear T,
I told you I was being too dependent on you and you said that was part of therapy. I was seeing you twice a week. After I was assigned out-of-town, you said we could talk any time - even Sunday - and then you weren't ever available except once a week.

Then you wouldn't even listen and kept playing word games and showed no empathy for how I was feeling. Then when I couldn't take it anymore, I sent you an email about how I felt and you never answered me....until after a week when I begged for an answer.

You used to give me comfort and whenever I thought of you, I felt you had my back. Now, when I think of you, I just experience pain. I feel I wasted 4 years of my life with you. I can't start over with someone else.

I don't know if I'll ever get over your not answering my email and your empty promise to be there for me when I really needed you.

Health T-

You've got it wrong.

I'm not "work focused". I am actually "relationship focused" and it just so happens my only satisfying relationships are with my T's, you included.

It just isn't socially acceptable to admit that, even to a therapist.

Dear T,

meh! I was reflecting on some of my body language, from back in December/January.

I may battle a chronic illness, that leaves me with Optic Neuritis, every once in a blue moon. But it doesn't make it a permanent physical symptom.

I don't know. Anyways, maybe, in a couple of weeks, I won't feel like this, maybe I will.

-me

Dear T, well I managed to get three of the four things on my 'must talk to T about' list covered today and ended up bringing up the one important thing from the previous session that got snowballed out of existence by your decision to recommend me to someone else.

That one thing is actually the most important thing for me about therapy with you and I had no idea I was going to bring it up. I'm glad I did, and a bit gobsmacked that you were thankful I spoke about it too.

Today went well then, much needed result after the last few totally disconnecting and pointless sessions. Now all I need to do is work up the courage to ask you about more contact. Ho ho that will be fun. Not.

Dear T,
I'm pretty nervous about seeing you tomorrow. I don't know what you're going to want to talk about, and I don't even know what I will end up talking about. I am worried you'll be mad at me that in 2 weeks I've only filled out one of those negative-thought-logs you gave me. I actually wrote a second one, but I'm not going to take it in to you because a bit more has gone on with that and I don't feel like discussing it. I just don't know you well enough to want to talk about any sort of relationship-type stuff. I feel embarassed enough mentioning the few one-night-stands I've had over the years. I guess I'm just scared of crying, because I'm almost cried each time I've been there and you say it's ok but to me it really isn't. I want to trust you, I really do, but I'm just scared to try.

Dear T, thank you for having me go inpatient. I really needed it even if I didn't agree before. As upset as I was with you over that, things are so much better now and I'm glad I went.

Dear T2 and xT, I miss you both. Mostly because I have no one to share the things that hurt so bad. No one else understands. I know it's only a day out of the year like any other but for him to do nothing again this year...ugh why do I let myself expect anything different or to have hope he changed. T2 you would have been proud of me because I told him what I wanted when he asked... But I still wasn't important enough for him to go to store and buy it. When will I learn?

Dear T,

I am so flipping mad! I punched some pillows tonite and I've never done that before to deal with my anger /: not sure it really worked....I'm tired of this bs up-and-down crap!! I have no idea how you will ever be able to help me. I've made crappy decisions and now I have to take the consequences. I'm so tired of all this, T. I don't think that you understand just how tired I really am....

Dear T,

I don't know how you can simultaneously **** me off, encourage me and petrify me at the same time. **** you for manipulating me into bringing up me eating disorder, but I have to give you credit for being so clever and throwing me off. I don't know why you insist that I have trauma but maybe I'll let you wander down that road for a bit. I warn you this is how therapy ends fast for me. I'd rather let you wander down that road then deal with my eating disorder . Oh, by the way I'm getting more and more comfortable with silence. If you feel I can get off meds I'll go down this road but.... don't expect me to be nice about it.

Dear T2,

Today was so embarassing. I still don't know if you believed me and if I CYA'ed it enough or if I tried too hard and so you knew I was partly lying...teasing me made it even worse because I could feel myself turning red. Ugh.

Remember how you used to try to engage me in chit-chat at the end of sessions? I'd really like to do that now, if you don't mind.

I'm so hurt. You have so little respect for me as a person. Is that how you treat all your clients? Or, did you just look down on ME for some reason? Have you talked to your own T about this? Is he any better than you? Or, do all T's think they are superior to their clients?

Newsflash: Everyone will have bad times in their life. Some of us will be able to lean on family and friends to get us through. Some of us will need to lean on a T for support, for encouragement, for simple caring. That's all it is you know. It's not as complicated as you T's want to make it out to be. Please wake up!

Dear T,

It seems like therapy is not working for me at all. Everytime I go out of the room, I feel frustrated. With myself. With you. What was that remark for, T? Why did you ask me the reason I'm in therapy when I have not much stress in my life? Then I shall ask you back, why then did you give me that diagnosis? T, I thought you knew.. that my sadness comes without reason... I thought you did. I guess not.

I'm in a worser state today T. I don't know whether its because of you. I don't know whether I can make it through work today without even breaking down. Truth is, I'm scared T. I'm really scared to go back to where I was. But I know I'm not important so.. go treat your other patients, T. Go. I'm an utter waste of your time.

htn

Sent from my phone using Tapatalk 2

Dear xT,

Remember when I told you that very shameful thing that I had just remembered doing years ago? You said...well that doesn't sound like the woman you are today. I could never tell you but I'm doing it again...and to top it off I never even told you the whole sick truth... I could never ever tell you. I am such a bad person... Much worse than you would ever imagine...

Dear T,

I'm sorry I criticise you so much and so often while never saying anything good or nice. I come in and throw tantrums and act out. You say things like: "You are important to me," and "I'm willing to have your feelings," and I just keep lashing out.

I can't tell you I'm attached to you, that I need you, that I'm going to miss you during the break, that I want to be important to you. I don't know why but I can't. Something tells me you already know, though.

Dear T,
Thank you for seeing me twice this week.

How will I ever not be on the computer as much, how will I ever find my phone? My friend is supposed t call me? How will I ever find my channel changer? I can't. I lose my keys so often.

How do I do all of this, take away what is comforting, AND work through different parts of me, AND go back to the horrific school place? I want you to stand up for me and tell them I am never going back because it all was TOO upsetting and traumatic for me. I want you to tell them that I was really hurt that that you would NEVER let me go back into a situation like that. I know you can't say that,, but I still want you to. But you will be okay with me walking back in, and that hurts. I feel so insignificant.

Dear t,
Thank you, we connected again today and it felt good! Thank you for being so honest with me, I needed that, I needed you to be normal and to have experienced real life and to be able to tell me. Thank you for seeing me this Saturday too, I am sorry I doubted you. Sometimes I get lost and I need you to guide me to safety.
I have a lot to process after today but I feel so empowered , like I can actually do this and survive anything, thank you for giving me hope

Oh yes T,

CAN WE JUST THROW AWAY THE AGENDA? What's with it anyway! We're at a standstill, the agenda serves no purpose and I feel like we're in a lesson... not therapy.

T, I used to want to trust you. Now I don't know anymore T. I feel ridiculed already. But I guess that's just me...

T,
Grandma died and now I'm left struggling to decided where (if) I fit in my family. The worse part is I have 2 days to decide.
♡
Mm

Dear (new) T, thank you for listening to me. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for making sure I am safe.

I think I let you hurt me so bad .I know I deserved it but it really hurts. I don't knew if I can be ok with seeing you.i don't know how to fix it. if I can just let it go and ignore it.

Dear T,

Usually I tell you everything and open up to you. However, now that I'm doing so much better and just seeing you seldom and using you for minor support, I'm wondering if our relationship can change? I know that we cannot be friends, and I do not want that. I am wondering if you can be a mentor for me as I start T school. You are the best T I ever met, and I want to try to be just as good as you but in my own way. Can I ever consult with you since you have been my T? Can you be my mentor since you have been my T? When I have questions about theory in school, can I ask you about them too? When I start my internship and practicum, can I ask you and/or tell you about the clients that I see, if I need help with that? I'm scared to ask this. Is this taboo?

~Content30

Dear T,

What was up tonight?? I actually asked you a question about what you think and I swear you looked like you were going to fall off your chair...and of course you gave me the perfect therapeutic response but I really wanted to know. Not because I am trying to get you to give me the answers but because its gotten to the point where it's so freaking unnatural pouring out my *****ing and moaning to you each week and having no real, authentic input from you.

I mean, sure you give me your observations (and i do appreciate them!) but sometimes it feels like I'm in a petri dish and you are describing the DNA or the makeup of me. But I want you to really *feel* what I am trying so hard to access and sometimes I'm not sure you do. And if you don't then I'm certain you can only take me so far.

I can't have an intellectualizer as my T in the long run because, T, you know as much as I do that I have a problem with truly being with my feelings. If you do too, then lets face it - not much more we can do here /:

Come on T! I need to feel this out and I would prefer to do that with you. Will you stay???

(((((Freewilled)))))))),
I will bet your T will help you if you let him know Sometimes it is difficult getting stuck in the intellectual. I do hope you talk to him about it if it is a problem. Hugs.

Dear T,
Thank you so much for all that you do for me. I appreciate you more than you will ever know! I am struggling, as you know, but I will make it through because I won't stop trying because YOU believe in ME. It is painful and yet at the same time a relief that someone cares enough. I am a pain, but I will be worth it if you can just hang in there with me. Thank you SO much.