Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

I ditto what hippo said here.

Dear T,

I'm doubting things today I think you're tired of my expectations (which I'm sure are out of line) and I'm sure you are going to tell me so next week. I'm fixing to "run" again and I think you're just going to let me go....I know I'm fing annoying as hell but I just can't stop it sometimes. I don't know how to do therapy - I know I'm supposed to understand it more than this but, T, I honestly DO.NOT get it. If I just need to use coping skills - fine! I already know them!! They don't stop it from happening. Is that just life? Is that it? If so, not sure what going to see you will do to help - if I must just push through on my own accord. I've been doing that FOR YEARS now so why did I expect some help if its going to be more of the same **** I already try day in and day out....

I am just so angry about all of this and now I worry I'm being taken for a ride...I'm worried therapy is a scam. I'm worried that I can go from thinking so highly of you one day to feeling like just no calling/no showing you the next and not returning your phone calls And Im concerned that I imagine I'm really "fine" and making something out of nothing for the past 5 months...that of course, I'm losing my mind. T - I'm sooooooo sick of this back and forth! Ugh.

This supports much of what I have expressed (even before reading it) and refutes much of what you deny:
The Therapist As Patient

I've told you a little about this before, but I'm trying to take a three day break from you and I'm really feeling it now:

I am so possessive of you, I feel jealous knowing you're working with anyone else. I want you to be like my own personal confidant. I want you to be like the fly on the wall of my life- seeing everything and helping me process it. That would probably shock anyone who knows me, because I am mega-super-completely independent and do a kick-*** super-woman impersonation. Sigh. But I don't have a mother to trust, and raising my kiddo is hard, and I want you there to guide me and comfort me a LOT to make up for lost time. I just want to be attached to you. I have a GOOD setup here, a loving husband, beautiful kiddo, pets, in-laws who are great, good job, lots to do, etc. But what I really need is some respite, and seems like you're it. I don't want to wait til tomorrow for our session. I fear that after a few days passing I won't even feel connected or want to talk to you, that it's too hard to jump in and out of the deep therapeutic waters we're in. Sigh. Ok, vent over.

Dear T, i am really missing you right now.
See you on Tuesday :-)

Both Ts, I don't want or need hugs. I just figure you do it because you think it makes me feel better. Nope...it doesn't. I hate being hugged.

i know i will never tell you this but i am so so angry with you. i have no idea why i am.you have really done nothing to me to cause this reaction. i don't understand it .i just wish it would go away. i don't feel it is worth saying anything to you because i know you did nothing and it is just me but it sucks

Dear T,

Thanks for taking 6 days to write me a 6 word (including greeting and sign off) email response...

Knew I shouldn't have initiated contact with you after all this time... *severely reprimands myself* Idiot, idiot, idiot!

I'm sorry your T failed you, BB. An idiot you're not. So there.

Thanks, Mast

I guess that was a big sign that I should move on and see a different T, but it's never that straight forward.

Whether or not it was T's intention, the response (or lack thereof) made me feel like a naughty, annoying, needy, unwanted child...

Hey T,
I'm doing well, puking is reduced to 3-4 times a week. But...I wanna call you. Don't have a good-enough reason to do so, though. I probably shouldn't do it, huh?
Miss you...

Dear T,

I have nobody. The actual me has nobody. Put-on-a-cheerful-front me has plenty of people. But those who know me a little better drop me like a hot coal. At least I trust you not to do that, once you're back. But I need you right now and it's 28 days until I get to see you. Yes, I know it's silly, because I'm more than halfway through your holiday and am still alive. Ergo, I don't need you.

You have told me many times that it's irrelevant that I say things to you, the important thing is that I say them to myself. But when I say things to myself, when I'm by myself, they just kind of spin around in my head, and I can get no perspective at all. I think I may be losing it, I really do.

Dearest Newest T, The Newest Person to Let Me Down,

Today, we have to fix it. It shouldn't have to be fixed in the first place and I am beyond annoyed I am partially (except it's important to ME, so more than partially) responsible for this, except it's YOUR damn job and you should have been doing this in the first place. And now we have to HAUL IT, can you? Will you? Will you put in extra effort (like my other T) if I am not there to help you to finish it?
Everyone ALWAYS lets me down and I know I can depend on no one. I have known this since I was a little girl. This current process has only reinforced it for me TENFOLD. I have no one. Apparently, even paying someone isn't enough to get them to do their damn job completely. I don't know what to say to you. I am worried and sad and disappointed, and it's less reassuring when you make it seem like we can "knock it out" and it's no biggie because it's MY life and a huge biggie. Damnit.

A little glass of water is a really big deal. Thank you.

Dear T,

I desperately need you to care about me and I don't know if I can go forward without knowing. It hurts too much, T. I finally cried last night after we talked about how my anxiety hurts and it feels like I want to cry but I seriously just CANNOT get it to come out. Well I cried. alone. And it still hurts. It was sort of a relief though at the time so I will hold onto the possibility that it was a good thing.

But T - I NEED to know that you care about me. I must know if I matter at.all to you. I can't move forward with the idea that you might not believe me or that you think I'm making this into a bigger deal than it is. This is much more painful than I realized it would be - what makes you think I can do this alone?!

Didn't get very far today, did we? What happened to all the things we were supposed to be talking about? Did you forget? Again?

T,

When I said I didn't want you to reply to my e-mail, I actually meant for you to do reply. I think. Haha. I'm sorry. I just feel so embarrassed about even sending it. If you don't reply I think I'll try to pretend I never did. That could work. Yes. Don't reply. Next week is our last session anyhow.

Dear T,

I will be seeing you tonight (at group) for the first time in over 4 weeks (the longest I've gone without a session in over 4 years). I'm not sure how I feel about that....sad, actually. And I'm not sure why.

I really don't want to see you today.

Dear T,

You've been forgetting a lot recently. I think this is due to age and the fact you don't see many clients anymore. I miss you.

Dear T,

This is what I heard you say today: "Hippo, you finally are getting to be too much. You are interrupting my private life, and I am fed up with you pushing my buttons. I can only pretend to care for so long, Hippo. You're just too messed up - and that's your choice. I thought I could help you, but it's too much now. You're too needy. Stop being a drama queen, and just get your lazy self to the gym already. I'm on the verge of hating you - actually, I might already hate you, pretty sure I do. Oh, and it's super creepy that you love me, even though it's due to your weird attachment/borderline issues. You need to stop feeling like that. I don't actually care about you. Please don't think that I do. I can't give you the help you irrationally want."

So maybe you didn't use those actual words T, but that's all I heard. And yet, I cannot wait for our next session. Clearly, I am a flawed being.

Dear T,

I love you... I really do.

You told me that I have to accept that "there are people who can keep the boundaries, that are able to love without ulterior motives". Thank you for loving me. Thank you for protecting me from myself.

I wish I had the guts to tell you that in session.

Dear T--its weird hearing things out of your mouth that i haven't heard in 5.5 years, all because i am most likely quitting therapy! I felt bad today that you said (and have said a lot in the past few months) we have a relationship, nad I am always silent when you say that. It weirds me out. I did tell you today that I wasn't trying to be mean, but I didn't feel like that we did.

I'm sad that I am quitting, and that is interesting to me because I didn't think I would be. But mostly I am just resigned. If I am forever going to stay shut down and blocked for almost every session, then there is no reason for me to keep coming even if my life doesn't make me happy. I know you wish you could help more, but I don't give you much.

I wish I could tell you explicitly what I want to change, but I can't. I wish I could tell you why I feel so uncomfortable expressing whatever is on my mind, but I can't. I don't have answers to these as much as I try. Not real answers. I know you really want to know, too. If I can't say these things, how can I possibly be helped?

I will see you in a month to re-assess, but I highly doubt anything will change. Sad.

Dear EMDR-T: You are meeting with regular T tomorrow to talk about all of this too, and I will see you in 3 weeks. Will I continue to see you I wonder? I have no clue, nor am I going to worry about it to much in the interval. We've only seen each other once a month for a year, but we have had a year of sessions with regular T too. You have a lot of ideas though.

I don't quite want to give up on therapy completely, but I also feel rather hopeless.

I keep having these times when I think "oh, i wish i could tell old t!" It hurts. I feel like there are so many things that i would want to tell you. It's like when you go on vacation, and i remember all of these things that i want to tell you or that i save up to tell you when you get back. Except this isn't a vacation. And I will never get to tell you.

Velcro, doesn't most of the work, and most of the change, happen outside the therapy room anyway? if that's so, then isn't the time-tetween-sessons crucial to progress, and the therapy hour becomes a time to review what comes between sessions, and appreciate the gains you notice, and analyze the not-so-much episodes for how they can be handled better next time?

After 6 yrs I still hold the tote bag before me for protection from one who sees too much - but I maintain that there have been changes, for the good, even if I am not the best at articulating them, even if I still feel the need to protect myself. I hope you hang in there. Make YOUR therapy what you will, what you can; no one can tell you that you OUGHT to talk for an hour straight; no one can tell you when you SHOULD not be blocked. It is what it is. Takes as long as it takes.

you are in my prayers, my longtime friend. For your healing, your peace.
SAWE

Thanks, SAWE. None of this was brought on by my T, but by me. This has been a running theme throughout my therapy, but has really come to the forefront since I stopped taking my meds a few weeks ago. And I guess a lot of the work does happen in between sessions, except I really feel like I haven't made any huge life changes in all these times. And even if I come to any sort of epiphany or emotion-laden thought in those in-between times, I hardly can bring it up in the room. Something stops me and my brain shuts down.

It sucks because I don't feel like I am ready to stop therapy, but right now this isn't for me I think. I don't know, nothing is set in stone right now, just sucks. a lot.