Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

dear T, going against my normal self who hardly ever calls you, and i don't think EVER has asked explicitly for an extra session, was maybe a bad idea. i am not quite upset yet, i am trying to give you the benefit of doubt. i left a message last night asking for a session next week, and didn't hear a peep today. i am hoping you just weren't in the office, and will hear from you monday. if not, i am most certainly going to want to cancel the week after next.

T,
one week down. Seven weeks to go. I am not doing well and I feel completely alone and alienated. I'm not strong enough to cope alone.

So here I am in Chicago...my daughters boot camp graduation and I NEED you...really urgently. Some things have gone down, as you know,T. I know you heard the urgency in my email...but so far, no reply. I am here alone...I do not know anyone here...other than my daughter...but she can't be with me so I am alone in this hotel room. I try to keep my happy face on for my daughter because it is about her, not me. Inside I am in pain...deep hurtful pain...and I needed you tonight. Those F!@#$%^ boundaries of yours...

Ja, ja, ja. I'm glad I didn't have my passport last month to go to FOO party. And, yes I'm still pissed to be on vacation for five friggen weeks with them. Maybe, a storm will wash the the summer house away. You say I didn't have to go...you just don't understand. I feel obligated, especially to my kiddo since he thinks this is his last lazy summer, before manhood. Ja, ja! Thanks for telling me its not sixty days before my next appt only 30, and the termination schedule has been modified since I'm away. I just assumed therapy was over. Kiddo was fine until the chi-chi pizza restaurant. It's going on 8 hour since he spoke to me. He doesn't understand that his uncle has never heard of Cracker-Barrel. Get me out of here. I know I can't last till 1 August. Thank G, the almighty FATHER has given me permission to change my ticket on his dime. I don't really want to talk tomorrow, cause I'd rather walk into the sea - until August. Yea, same ole...yada,yada,yada. I'm back on it because of boredom. acting ou,t whatever...more yada,yada,yada.

Dear t
Thank you for trying to help. Thank you for being there on the phone, but I'm still struggling and I just want to hear your voice, but there is no way I can contact you again. This whole lack of sleep issue is really messing me up. I am more than exhausted but something won't let me let go and sleep. Yes, we both know it is the result of trauma that was triggered at start of week, but I thought I had moved on. I so wish someone could help, but I can't tell my friends as they will think I am crazy and I don't see you to Tuesday. I so need some help
Xxxx

I should have known better!

This isn't fair or logical but I feel completely rejected by the timing of your vacation. I am in such a tough space and you looked so happy to be getting time off with your family. Maybe I am envious - I want happiness and to feel loved and as though my family cares. I know you don't give a **** about me beyond our therapy time together, but my heart is heavy and every hour of every day, I am dragging to make it through. I hate that you don't understand what a burden living is for me. I hate that I am begrudging you the time off you deserve. I hate myself for feeling this needy and alone.

Willowleaf, I have asked my T to leave messages on my voicemail so I can listen to the message over and over. That has been really helpful for me when I am struggling.

Dear T,

I hope you and your family have a great vacation. I'm hopeful that this time apart will help give me the ability to reflect on what I need out of therapy and whether or not you really are the person to help me accomplish that. I'm also looking forward to this opportunity of being T-free to experience life standing on my own two feet. I'm sure I'll miss you, but I have confidence that I will be just fine without you for the next several weeks. I'm not sure how much of our recent rupture and ongoing repair contributes to how I'm feeling, but I'll take it.

Thanks Mkac. I think I may well do that. I know she would do it if I asked. Hadn't thought of that

I don't mean anything to you and I'm really upset about it.

Dear T,

You took me by surprise when you said: "Well, that's important - you're important to me." I was so happy. For, like, 10 minutes. What happened at the end of the session was not cool and I am so mad at you. We were doing so well and YOU messed it up. That wasn't transference, it was just RUDE.

Thank you for responding to my email this morning...I was in a bad way last night and was in great need. I felt better after reading your email, it helped. I need to find a way to sever ties with my ex...the pain gets worse with each time that I am around them. You are right, this needs to stop.

I'm glad for you. I wish my former T had that capability. Be well, EH

Dear T.... I didn't let you know just how angry I was and how little sleep I've been getting when we met yesterday. But I thank you for making me laugh at the end of the session.

Dear T,

I *really* miss you tonite....and that's sad because I struggle to let you know how much you mean to me. You are important to me and I'm scared of that, T. I'm scared to let you down or you might let me down...that it will be over soon and I'm to blame. I'm afraid of never getting anywhere and in the end, you will write me off as just nuts, crazy, beyond hope. I want to tell you how much you mean to me but I can't because of these fears. It's too much

I want to bang you and then marry you

short and to the point

lmaofffff:rotflmao::rotflmao:

I would love to tell my T ( and I just may this Tuesday)....I am so physically exhausted from my thoughts and feelings that do not rest...ever. It drains me. What makes it worse is being so far from home. I don't do well with change as you well know. I feel like a sh** because I should not be wallowing in my personal hell when my daughter has completed boot camp and is on to the next phase of her US Navy experience. She is so brave...away from home at 22 yrs old..and goes with the flow...doesn't stress out over change...wish I could be more like her!! I am so dependent upon you now, T. Yet I am afraid to surrender completely..maybe I'm not supposed to? I know that this is part of the process..but I feel like this transference/dependency thing is making me feel worse...I now worry about loosing you..that you will terminate me. And I know that you have not done anything to make me feel this way, in fact it is pretty much the opposite. I have heard some horror stories from others on this forum..I shudder and feel so bad for people who are terminated simply because their T's were not well equipped to deal with transference and all that it entails. I think that you are prepared to deal with it...hence, your blasted boundaries.
While I have my insecurities and worry about termination I admit that I never felt such an intimate bond of this nature with anyone. You support me during our sessions; while you maintain serious boundaries. You allow me to email you; and you respond... within the boundaries. I know those boundaries are necessary even though I don't fully get why you have so many but I have to trust you in this process. In a nutshell...I am afraid.

Thank you for:
The closure
Letting me keep Sam (a stuffed dog)
Letting me say goodbye to the real Sam (a real dog)
Telling me that u will not forget me and that you aren't happy about how things went
Telling me that I can come back
Giving me reassurance
Smiling
Laughing with me.
Telling me that I am special and that I will do great things

I don't know whether its worth coming to sessions if all I'm going to do sit there and think about kissing you.

Dear T, you have set me some very challenging homework this week! S'OK though, i like a challenge!

T,

whenever i need you, it's when i realise i have a long way to go before i meet you.
and the thing is: it's so hard to arrange an earlier timing to see you because your appointments are so hard to move forward!!!

Dear T,
I am desperate and I need you.

I REALLY really want a safe hug from you, a paternal hug. But I know you won't do that 'cause of my f***ing tranference so I won't even ask.
God, I miss my dad so bad...

I am suffering but I still won't call you. I don't want you to think I'm hitting on you, I'd hate that.
But, deep down, I know the real reason of me not calling is this: You can't help me. No one can. I am wasting away and I can't stop it. I don't even want to anymore. I am going to meet my dad soon........................