Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Hopelesspoppy: I hope you did not think I was referring to the people here on PC when I said that I believe certain people are still out to hurt me. I was actually referring to people in my personal life. I was also referring to my personal life when I said what has transpired with me was no joke. I am grateful for PC and would encourage it's use. I'm not sure if I've been discovered here (how awful that would be) but if I have, then I would regret some posts. I would be extremely embarrassed once again (as if I haven't been embarrassed already). I can only imagine the worst if my T knew I was posting here. This is supposed to be anonymous. I relied on that but my trust has been broken several times over and now I am afraid to think the worst again. It is terrible to feel trapped with no safe outlet. I do thank all the people on PC who have offered their support, empathy, hugs, and who have shared their thoughts with me.

[ quote=Hopelesespoppy;3263032]With sincere sensitivity and concern, I assure you that this h joke to anybody here. We are not professionals, we do not have a dog in your fight. We are here to be supportive- so whether or not you regret being here, you do belong.

I am having al sorts of intense feelings for you at the moment, they range from I want to bite your bum to i want to stab you. I can't deal with this anymore.

Dear T,

I am so sad I told you I feel sad and you asked me to try and give myself space for those feelings last night, but I sucked at it. I minimized the pain and negated any successes I've had this past week. I swear I was listening to my words but they weren't from deep within me. It was like I was listening to someone else speak, T. You asked me where I go, but you know what? I don't even know I need to see you more than once a week right now but I'm too afraid to tell you that....Im so alone and frightened but I can't ask for help. Don't even bother asking me why because ill just say its not a big deal. But the part of me way deep down feels that it is a big deal to me...only she doesn't have a voice

Dear T,

Do you finally get how traumatizing I find my family? Did I really have to have a panic attack in front of you last night for you to get it? Your responses to the panic attack ranging from "I really think you need xanax" to "would you like to go to the ER?" were not helpful. Here's a hint, if I say no to the ER I'm definitely going to say no to psychiatric hospitalization. Now, I feel worse than I did all week BEFORE going to see you

Dear T,

I should probably say that if you HADN'T found me, my plan was to titrate back off the meds and said "f*** it" to both meds and therapy, because I never wanted to do either one to start with. I only decided meds were a good idea because I know that I was getting too edgy last year with the depression and want my students to have a good year.

Dear pdoc,

Do you think my family members were super free? Is it fun to play around with us? 3 times you told us to meet you, on DIFFERENT days, DIFFERENT hours. And all that 3 times you weren't there! And when finally a substitute for you came in, you told us, "i just want to meet your mom only." THANKS PDOC.

Recalling back our session, I keep going, you don't know me yet pdoc. But I thought you knew from the previous one. That I'm fine alone. That I conquered my first episode alone. And the fact you were making assumptions.. pissed me off. What do you do when the person who is supposed to believe in your ability to get well does not believe you? I didn't feel like a person.

htn

Dear T,
This week is proving really difficult to arrange a session. I am so annoyed with the uncertainty of it.
We both have commitments outside of our session, i get that, and i am not mad with you (for a change)!
I miss you already.
HT .

Dear T,
Thanks for emailing to see how I'm doing since we didn't have a session last week because of the holiday. I appreciate that you did what you said you were going to do.

Herethennow, you totally reminded me that I could write one to the pdoc too.

Dear Pdoc,

It was incredibly unprofessional of you to not be at work when I was supposed to have an appointment. Shouldn't someone have notified me that it was going to be cancelled or rescheduled? It had been booked for over a month! And to not even have left anything written down about me for the sub?? He didn't know I was supposed to be there!

I think it is ridiculous that you, or whoever was responsible for all of this, would do this. I have bipolar disorder, which you've only JUST diagnosed me with. What if I was really unstable? As it is you gave me an anxiety attack due to this. I had a total meltdown outside and that is YOUR fault. What if I had already been suicidal? I'm already in a depression because you haven't told me to titrate up yet on the medication, and I was ACTUALLY trying to be a good patient. And you royally f***ed up. How on earth am I to trust you??

I know you said today that I should let you know when I felt like things were brewing do we could plan for it, but I couldn't figure out how to say it directly. I tried to tell you by telling you how emotionally tired I am of everything. I couldn't actually say that things are falling apart... it's tough to do with someone new, especially because I was still hung up on the journal info... I'm glad you had Tuesday available. I hope either I figure out how to tell you, or the fall softens its descent. I'm sorry I'm still so bad at this.

Dear T,

I've been thinking and thinking and thinking. I guess it wasn't bad enough that you hurt me deeply, but to top it off, you turned your back on helping me. Oh sure, you referred me to someone else, but how can another T explain to me what YOU'VE done? That is the only "help" I needed and still need. I want an explanation and you refuse to talk about the matter with me. As far as I'm concerned, you left me hanging in mid-air without a net and you didn't even care. You'd let me fall apart rather than help me. I loved you with all my heart and you treated me this way? I still can't believe it. I can't believe I was so wrong about you and yet it's staring me in the face.

Hey T!

This other thread, got me to thinking....Do you every consider a thought about me, outside the appointment? Hmmm...

Thought for pondering. It's under, does your T, care about you?

I have a deep philosophical question to consider, as I go to sleep!! Hey wow!!

I like this place, more and more everyday!

-Me

Hi T:
I miss you so much... when are you coming back?
I saw my worker today and he was so invalidating. I wanted to SI big time after. I did some writing and realized how much I miss attunement... when you can be in tune with me and know what I'm feeling. It calms things down so much. I'm trying to do it for myself and sometimes I can, but sometimes things break down. It still seems so long till you come back and no one else feels the same. Trying to be realistic. I know everything won't be 100% better when you come back and you won't be with me 24/7... but still. I wonder if you ever think of me. I hope you didn't forget me.

Dear T,

My hubby is mad you gave me your spare household appliance item at the end of last week (after i told you mine had broken) as he's worried about the boundaries.

I feel like I need to get something to thank you for it as they aren't cheap, but I don't know what to get...

Your T was so kind. I'm sure he/she doesn't want you to go to any expense to repay them. A nice thank you card and maybe some cookies when the holidays roll around come to mind.

Dear T,

You've played me for a fool and I fell right into it. My heart is broken as well as any pride I may have had. I've been an emotional wreck for the last few months. I can't understand your behavior. It's like you never knew me. It's like all the sessions we had, you didn't hear a word I said. This is one of the worst experiences of my life. If this was a game to you, then congratulations, I guess you won.

CBT T- I feel like I failed this week. I missed a few meds dosages, skipped a few blood sugar tests, and missed 3 days of exercise. Hoping you will tell me it is ok, that I just need to get back on the horse. My own inner voice is extremely critical--trying to keep a hold of your voice instead. You are the perfect blend of encouragement and comfort.

Main T- Before you left on vaca, I said that I'll miss you and I was met with silence on the other end of the phone. What does that even mean?????

T,

truth is: I REALLY REALLY DON'T WANT TO END THIS.
huge changes will come to my life soon and I really need someone who has been with me for a long time. I need something constant. I really do...

htn

Dear T,

Thank you.

Dear T,

Remember a couple of weeks ago I whispered that it seems like I actually (ssh) trust you? Well, they have this report card thread on PC, and it asked you to grade your T on different things and then say what could be improved. And this client here, who spent so many months ranting and raging at you for every little thing you did and said 'wrong', what did she have to say?

Um, nothing. Nothing. I'm sorry I spent so long kicking you. You really are a good T. Don't let it go to your head now.

TR x

p.s. you should probably lose the beige socks, though. Nobody should own beige socks.

Dear T,

Dear T,

You don't understand me. It's not your fault really, but I wish you could see how fragile I am. I am NOT powerful like you say. Sure, I've taken some steps to change but I'm barely holding it together here. You don't know how bad it gets, T. Quit trying to normalize all of this for me. It is NOT helpful! I am scared of myself.

Don't you get it!???

When I told you about that nightmare and answered your question about what i was going to do in my dream: kill myself - I was trying to get you to see how very lost I am and what's going on. I can't come out and say I have Sui because I can't risk you freaking out and hospitalizing me. But I need you to really get what is going on here. Are you just going through the motions with me, T? I'm sorry but I just don't have time for that

Dear T,
Your denying the hug led me to immense mourning about my father. That is really interesting.

I guess all I wanted when I asked for it was to repeat the last hug my father gave me. The last hug before he passed.

So... you are my dad in my head, huh? Only difference is, my dad would never retraumatize me on purpose. He was a great man.

Dear T,

I wish i could pick up the phone and say Hi.

Oh God, of all the emails we've sent you DIDNT respond to my ambien-fueled late night confession. I want to disappear.