Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

I hope you understand that my point was that you ARE safe here. But I would obviously never want you go beyond what you are comfortable with. As one with severe trust issues, I completely empathize. Maybe in the future you will feel more confident of yourself and of us, and allow us to be more specific in our responses to you. I know what you are experiencing is traumatizing, that's why we're all here. Take care.

Dear T,

I still love you so much it kills me. I've talked about it with you and you know that I feel attached to you but I'm always so afraid to talk about how attached I really am. I know you've always been understanding about this but I feel stuck. I'm ashamed of how I really feel about you and it causes me to get no where with the other things I deal with. I know things about you and you know that. Even though I tell you it's okay I know things about you deep down I wish I didn't know anything. Ever since I saw you and your fiancé at an event I can't stop thinking about him and how I feel like I'm going to lose you when you get married soon. I'm not attached to you in a sexual way but for some reason I feel jealous. Jealous when I feel like I wish you could be my mom and not my lover? I don't know why but I know I'm afraid of losing you. I'm afraid of you changing when you get married. I'm afraid of you not wanting me. And I'm ultimately afraid of admitting how much I love you because it scares me that you can't love me back. You can never love me back and I hate that. I know this is all built up inside of me because I don't talk about it enough. But I am SO scared of really admitting how I feel and how much I think about you. I know I'm just afraid of feeling anything like I always am but I feel so stuck I don't care anymore.

Tell me that you care and that I'm not going to lose you. Tell me that you getting married doesn't change anything. Tell me it's going to be okay-that I'm going to be okay.

-your crazy patient

Dear T,

Let's just pretend that I didn't send you any emails this week. of course we also may need to pretend that I didn't say anything to pdoc. did he tell you what happened?

Ugh.

Dear t,

I'm sorry I had to change our session day because work is stupidly busy.

You sounded really snappy in your email.

(I only wanted to give my rash a few extra healing days so I didn't make you poorly.)

Dear CBT T-

Damn..you are fine wearing all black...ugh you are making me kind of pathetic.

Aside from the stupid crush, I wish you wouldn't describe yourself as a "coach" or "consultant" ... Why is being a T so hard to say? Do you dislike getting close to your patients?

If so, I need to cut and run. I'm getting too attached.

My whole body is coiled into a tense knot. I've got a killer sinus headache, my jaw is throbbing, and my shoulders are scrunched up to my ears.

The only reason I can think of to tell you any of that is that I wish I could find some comfort. Same thing I've always looked for. It doesn't really exist, though, does it?

Pdoc,

If i tell you that since discharge i've been worse what do you do? And if i tell you that all the while its not passive thoughts, its active, what would you do?

I don't know pdoc. Part of me tells me i should trust you.. but another part is very much in doubt. It's really heartbreaking to know that you don't believe in my ability to get well pdoc.. it is.

So should i tell the truth?

Htn

Sent from my phone using Tapatalk 2

Dear T,

Did you spare any details of our sessions at all? Or was it open field day with Michelle's life?

BTW: I have to live with the embarrassment you caused every day.

Dear T,

I'm stunned. Just stunned. We were talking about learning to live with our wounds and you said you do sometimes wish you hadn't been wounded in a particular way. I said, jokingly: "Yeah, but then you might not be a therapist and I might have committed SU." Then I apologised for saying something so arrogant and selfish.

And you asked why it was arrogant or selfish to suggest it was worth you having suffered if it meant I was still alive. So I told you, and you said you see things very differently to me. Am I actually hearing things, or did you tell me the suffering in your life was worth it to help me? T, I've been so awful to you so much of the time, and you still seem to think I'm worth it. I have cried and cried since I got home, not a bad kind of crying, a cathartic kind. I still can't believe you said that.

Please, please, please forgive me. Please forgive me. I am so so sorry. I am so sorry.

Dear T,

thanks for the 2 hour session today, i found it very helpful. I kind of scared myself with what i realised and unwittingly discussed. It's really scary to think that i realised things that i didnt know before..not sure how i feel about that.

Dear T.

I think I'm ready to leave therapy.

I've just got to shake off that things will happen in my life that you won't know about after.

Xx

Dear T,

Whoever saves one life saves the world entire.

Thank you for thinking mine is worth saving.

T,
Thanks for being you. I think I'm going to be ok. So glad I found you.

Dear T,

Why did you wait until I got fed up with you enough to go looking for and start interviewing new Ts before you started putting some effort and empathy into our sessions? This is the first time since I started seeing you that I haven't left the session feeling worse than when I came in. And now I have anxiety about seeing a new T and seeing you at the same time - it feels like I'm cheating on you - and about making one or the other of you feel bad when I initiate termination.

Dear xT...

it hurts so bad... Part of me just wants to get in the car and keep driving..disappear...another part wants to kick his a s s out and another paet of my wants to drive 100mph right into a concrete barrier along the highway...

Wish I still had you...I might have actually called you..

Dear T (this is just between us o.k.? some things are sacred no?),

So I'm at the supermarket tonight (tissues are on sale btw) and I'm thinking of you (of course it's not the same now) and this song comes on I never heard before. The words kept repeating "don't let me down". I needed a tissue.

geesh, crazy biatch , you must have thought when hearing my message.

I appreciate the reassurance that you aren't going anywhere.

I am just wired to think people will leave me and hurt me. It seems super crazy and delusional I know.

Dear tiny rabbit: I too wonder at the tragedy that brought this t into my life. I know what it was, but it's so strange how life works out. Arrogant, however, is bugging t to get your name tattooed on his bicep, preferably within a heart, after finding out his beloved stepmother's name is also "hankster"

Ouch.

Ouchouchouch.

Just saying.

T,

When you say things like telling me that if all of your caseload was like me.... I know it's meant to make me feel good, but it doesn't. It makes me feel like I'm lying to you when I'm trying really hard not to be. And like I am going to be a huge disappointment when things don't improve with me as quickly as you hope.

When we're talking, you say things that are meant as good things - but I have contradicted every single one of them in my head as you say them. I don't believe that they're true, and I think that you do know that I don't believe it... but I'm still unable to just tell you that.

I know that you want me to just be the person I've made myself - but so much of it is fake. And EVERY single behaviour that I've learned.... T, it's to hide in plain sight. I learned a long time ago that it's a lot easier to hide right in the middle of things than to try and stay on the outskirts.... so I fake it. Some of it I'm ok with by now... but I don't like a lot of it.

I don't know what my T's wounds are, but I do have a few inklings. I'm PMing you.

Also, I really want to believe that the name in question actually is Hankster and not a 'proper' first name!

Dear T,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you have to deal with how crazy I am. I'm sorry that you had to contact my psychatrist to figure out what the heck to do with me. I'm sure you wish you had never met me. After 9 months and I'm still just as crazy and broken as I was before. I'm sorry I'm un-fixable. I don't know what I was expecting out of therapy. I guess I just wanted things to change, i wanted to feel better. But I don't want to put in the work to do it. I'm already so tired. I know that isn't the way it goes, but I can't do anything anymore. I know my message wasn't very clear last night, but please call me back soon. I can't keep going like this until Friday. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry that I'm always unorganized and everytime I see you it's like verbal diarrhea (much like this message). I'm sorry.

Being able to trust you and not have that violated is the path...and please don't mention using those mindfulness skills again. Also, you have been a T on steroids working with me lately- it's pretty awesome.

Hey T,
I 'forgot' to take my pills last night. I barely slept and had a horrible b/p episode this morning. I'm so tired but I can't sleep tonight either. I can't survive on 3 hours a day of sleep, I'm going to pass out.

I don't know why I'm doing this; seems like I'm constantly inventing new ways of torturing myself.
Binging/purging, overdosing on laxatives, messing with my meds, falling for you... it all hurts so bad.

What have I done to deserve this?