Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

T,
Thank-you, I'm so not out of the woods but calmer.

Dear T

Everything hurts.

Thanks Hopeless. I don't like to be "banished", I don't think anyone would. He may have moved on (easy for him) but I have not. I have to live with the ramifications of what he's done to me. Let me tell you, I will never get over it. I know he is not interested in me. That has been made perfectly clear. However, I have unfinished business with T so it is NOT over for me. You don't just walk all over someone and think because they are vulnerable that they will just sit back and "take it". This was not a childish game that you start up and walk away from because you no longer want to play. This was a serious professional relationship, not to be taken lightly.

I understand you are being logical as an outsider but I am on the inside in a lot of pain. More pain than my T, I can assure you. I needed his help. I didn't need more pain added on. Not only was it more pain, it was excruciating pain. I don't think T's are supposed to cause a client to become emotionally distraught.

Dear T,
Your response to my last email was perfect. It gave me a big smile after such a horrible 24 hours!! Thank you!

Dear T,

You implied I'm not being honest with you. I am. As honest as I know how to be. My life is falling apart. What more is there to say, T? What do you want from me!?!

T,
I miss you. I hate that I miss you. I'm a freak. Please write back?

Dear cbt T -

I guess I have some explaining to do on Mon. I'm sorry I felt compelled to leave you a message, but your response really helped me. Insert cliche feelings of abandonment here--you didn't do a thing wrong--I'm am just so easily triggered by,well everything.

Glad to know you are in it for the long-ish haul. I'm so overly attached to you already.

Are you really going to give up on me like this??

I am in your same situation, that is why I can speak so honestly with you. My confidence and self esteem are destroyed. I know rationally that I am valued by others who love and support me, but my heart is shattered. I am NOT an outsider. Typical easier said than done...I understand that. And I also know that thriving and prospering is the best revenge, and I am nowhere close to that yet. The only difference between us is that I know I will never have closure. It's a bitter pill to swallow but I've given up. Tried, begged, attempted to make it easy for him. Ain't gonna happen, ever. You must resign yourself to that.

I don't think continuing to see you when I can't let you see the real me is beneficial. I am so afraid to tell you the deeper thoughts I have. Why can't you just read my mind and make it so much easier?

Dear T,

Since you and pdoc agree I need therapy so badly...you get to pick the topics this time. You and pdoc want control...well here you go...pick the topics or we can sit in silence.

You may be right, but every stone has not been unturned in my case yet.
Unfortunately for me, I don't resign myself so easily. I don't know why you say I "must" resign myself to not having closure. That's a helluva thing for a T to do to a client (not provide closure). Is this accepted in their profession? Why did you resign yourself to accept it? A T is not necessarily right in their assessment of you. They have no right to arbitrarily label you based on talking to them for 50 min now and again. My T doesn't know me at all. Who is he to make up some label and assign it to me? I HIRED him to help me not to dig my grave. That is another reason why I will not see another T again. I have news for anyone reading this...You are no better than me. T's are not perfect and have their own junk to deal with. They are not qualified to judge me. I probably should get off of this thread because I'm clearly fuming over it.

Dear T,

I need help. I can't find the strength to ask you in email. Hopefully I can find the words in our next session.

Of course it's not acceptable, but it is your reality. Nobody here is judging you, and neither should he or anybody else. Yes, it is awful and unfair. I hear you, I am going through it myself. Your situation is not as unique as you seem to believe. Have some trust in your peers. Just a little. Believe that you will survive even without all of the answers- because answers you will never get.

Dear T,

I'm finally letting it out. On Monday when I extend this to you...please handle it delicately. This is more important than you'll ever know to the future of our relationship.

[quote=Hopelesspoppy;3280632]Of course it's not acceptable, but it is your reality. Nobody here is judging you, and neither should he or anybody else. Yes, it is awful and unfair. I hear you, I am going through it myself. Your situation is not as unique as you seem to believe. Have some trust in your peers. Just a little. Believe that you will survive even without all of the answers- because answers you will never get.[/quote wi]

You are really Ticking me off!! Why are you so insistent on saying I "will never get all of the answers". You don't know that. I HAVE TO HAVE an explanation for this abominable action against me. I will not rest until I know what has been going on. I WILL FIND OUT. It may take me longer but I WILL. It's not fair that he hold anything back. This is MY LIFE not HIS. I have no intentions of giving up. Besides, more than one person knows all his secrets anyway. It will come out in the wash. I hope my T does not think he is beyond reproach because I beg to differ. STOP saying I will not get my answers. You don't know that.

Dear T,

I actually considered calling you today when I was losing it. I wish I could but I can't. Nothing you could really do to help me...but if i could have listened to your voice or something, like your VM message, I think it would've helped. I keep messing everything up. My life is like a comedy of errors and sometimes I just want to bow out. I think you care but you're frustrated that I won't let you in. T? I wish I could let you in. Don't you realize that's my central problem? Please please please don't give up on me!

Dear Madame T.

Every time I ask for something, you call it an ultimatum.
How can you be my therapist if I can't even tell you what I want?

You said you would call me yesterday to confirm our next session date before you go away.
I stayed in all day.
You didn't call.

Dear T,

I dread the next time we meet. I dread it, for I'm scared it'll be our last. I am going to fight for you to stay, T. I hope you will.

htn

H-E-L-P.
My sleep issues are getting worse. The sleeping pills you gave me didn't do ****. The past three days I had 8 hours of sleep. And I don't mean 8 per day...
Don't wanna call you though, I feel I'm a pain in the *** for you already.

Dear T,

I feel the saddest I've felt in a long time. But I also feel more contained than I ever have.

Thank you for replying to my text and agreeing that, yes, Captain Transference is a lying s___head. It meant the world.

Dear Pdoc;

I see you tomorrow. I wonder if you'll show up this time? I have a fairly poor attitude towards seeing you and I have no actual desire to. I will most likely keep my mouth shut, but I also might end up being a bit *****y towards you because I do not want to be there.

I do not know what dosage you will authorize me to titrate up to, but I am not going to sit another two months with pills doing nothing. I ONLY decided to get pills to help with THIS year's group of students, and if it is going to take the entire fall term to get something that might help, well, I am just damn well going to stop. I don't want to be doing any of this anyway and I'm only doing it for those kids.

Dear T,

I miss you! I feel like I've held back so much that it would take 100 sessions just to catch you up on what I've been thinking and feeling. Where do I even begin with you? I don't know I'm starting to feel closer to you again and closeness brings pain for me - its so deep I can barely breathe. And then you want me to just leave after all that closeness and wait a whole week?? That's insanity, T. I don't know how to cope with that level of pain. I can't cope by myself. I would need you in between but you don't do that kind of thing, right? So you are asking me to connect with you and experience pain of aloneness and abandonment all week long. And that will help me how??

Dear T,

Im going to make the best of this relationship even if it pains me to do so at times, because I have to believe you are in my corner and have my best interests in mind. I have a fairly easily rectifiable situation but it involves talking about something Im not sure I should talk about anymore, but here it goes: (situation told). Could you call pdoc and have him send my month script as 2 weeks with a refill? It would completely diffuse the situation without having to go into the hospital again...seeing as that is something we want to avoid at most costs. Thanks for being so understanding.