Couch 54, Where Are You?

mixedup_emotions · Jun 27, 2013, 07:47 AM

((( MKAC )))

I totally understand how that situation would feel overwhelming. It sounds like your son was being incredibly overbearing about it, pushing and pushing - and being defiant as well. With all 3 people invading the space you carved out for yourself so you could be alone and deal with your emotions, it's no wonder that it led to an outburst. It doesn't make you a failure of a parent. You're human, and it happens to the best of us.

I told my T recently about how I have been losing my cool with my daughter as well, especially when she invades my personal space and gives me attitude. He suggested that I set some ground rules with consequences - and give one explanation for the reasons why...and just stick with them. Easier said than done.

But honestly, we all need a safe place to be able to retreat when we need to. YOU were being disrespected by your family by not allowing you to have that space. Please don't try to own it all.

granite1 · Jun 27, 2013, 07:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

My night was pretty horrible. Had a screaming meltdown at my son.

It doesn't happen often, but I wish it didn't happen at all. He has had difficulties since he was born with emotional regulation and I'm usually really good about helping him through it, but lately it's turned from just emotional outbursts into this really cold, arrogant, disrespectful, entitled attitude. He was complaining about his sister, and just going ON AND ON. He was relentless and I refused to discuss it any longer and went to my room. He kept on at his father, and I just put my pillow over my head and decided to let H deal with it for once because I have just been so overwhelmed. H, unfortunately, came into the bedroom and let the boy follow him in, continuing to rant about his sister and what a horrible person she is and he is totally right and she is totally wrong and we are horrible parents for not raising her better.

D can hear all this and comes into the room to defend herself, and I told them all to get out. Everyone ignored me. I said it again, everyone ignored me. I told both kids to GET OUT and go to their rooms to cool down. Everyone ignored me, and H continued to engage with our son. I ended up slamming the pillow down on the bed (and embarrassingly, really hurt my shoulder), and SCREAMING at them to GET OUT. My son gets this snotty, arrogant tone and tells me I have to ask calmly before he will leave, and I just lost it and told him to the F out of my room right that minute. He still refused and kept telling me I had to ask calmly. Meanwhile, D is trapped in the room because S is in the doorway and won't move and she's weeping and saying that she is trying to leave. S continued to refuse to leave until I asked nicely, so I pushed him out the door (not roughly, and not a shove, just moved him out), and closed the door in his face.

I tried to talk to him later, but he still seems of the opinion he did nothing wrong. I apologized for screaming and for moving him out of the room, but he just refuses to see that he had any part in it. I think he's right and I am a failure as a parent, but not for the reasons he thinks.

i so totally get feeling like a horrible mom when we see our children act like your son was acting .but there comes a time when our children need to start taking responcibility for how they are behaving and no longer take it on ourselves. your son put you in an impossable situation and was being disrespectfull. i dont know if i would know how to handle that situation. but i definately would have removed him from my room.
it sounds like a horrible situation.

mixedup_emotions · Jun 27, 2013, 08:13 AM

Last night, after my niece's softball game, the kids were going to go swimming. My daughter put her bathing suit on, and it started thundering. I told my daughter that it was thundering, a storm was on the way, so swimming wasn't going to happen. She lashed out at me, said "Thanks A LOT MOM!" and gave me the stink eye for quite a while.

WTF? Like I created the dang thunderstorm? I had something to do with mother nature?

Honestly, what is a parent to do when their kids are acting like little brats? I have such little patience nowadays, I honestly can't stand my daughter's attitude when she doesn't get what she wants.

unaluna · Jun 27, 2013, 08:17 AM

"Excuse me, how old are you?!" I'm afraid I would be a very sarcastic mom!

mixedup_emotions · Jun 27, 2013, 08:24 AM

Oh, I definitely find myself being sarcastic and snapping at times - which I know it not a healthy reaction. I used to have more tolerance - allowing her the space she needed to feel and express her emotions - and not react to them. Lately, though, between my own life situation (migraines, financial issues, T issues, pressures of being a single mom), I seem to be more reactive. I need to get a grip - and get a plan together on how to deal with this kind of stuff - because she's only 12 and this is only the beginning.

Maybe I'll do some research on some strategies on how to deal with pre-teens....and implement some self-care stuff too.

unaluna · Jun 27, 2013, 08:43 AM

Trigger warning

I'm just really -appalled is the only world. I would have been beaten to death if i talked to my parents the way i read on these pages. And I mean still today my mother would take a swing at me. She would instantly demand respect. And that would be just for stating how I'm feeling. So I'm not saying it's a good thing how I was raised. I'm lonely and I've been in therapy for 40 years! But I worry like that mkac's son is looking to get his butt kicked if he pulls that "say it nicely" stunt on somebody else.

mixedup_emotions · Jun 27, 2013, 08:57 AM

*** May trigger ***

Hankster, I was beaten on a regular basis from the time I was a very young child, but it didn't keep me from becoming a rebellious and defiant teen. I learned to welcome the beatings, enjoy them even.

I have never laid a mean hand on my daughter, and I don't ever plan to. We have a lot of love and affection in our home.

What I don't have in place is a sense of authority, I suppose. She doesn't walk all over me, but she also never had to deal with consequences for poor behavior.

Jun 27, 2013, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

Trigger warning

I'm just really -appalled is the only world. I would have been beaten to death if i talked to my parents the way i read on these pages. And I mean still today my mother would take a swing at me. She would instantly demand respect. And that would be just for stating how I'm feeling. So I'm not saying it's a good thing how I was raised. I'm lonely and I've been in therapy for 40 years! But I worry like that mkac's son is looking to get his butt kicked if he pulls that "say it nicely" stunt on somebody else.

I will freely admit that I feel like a failure on this front today, hankster and am having trouble not crying at work. I don't know what the right answer is. I have worked really hard at trying to help him learn to control his behavior rather than just beat him into submission. I have tried to teach him that his feelings are always acceptable, but his behavior isn't always okay. He is just dramatically, dramatically better than he used to be, and in public is really polite and controlled. He was student body president, class president and valedictorian of his class. He was captain of the track team and cross country teams. Other parents RAVE about how great he is when he spends time at their houses. However, at home, while he is overall much better than he used to be, he still has times when he just ... gets this way. I don't know what the answer is.

I thought that overall he and I have a really good relationship. For instance, he JUST called me because he is so stressed out at his internship, and rather than cry or yell at work, he got some privacy and called me for help calming down. He does this periodically. He called me one time about being furious with his girlfriend and rather than yell at her and hurt her feelings, he calls me to rant and then get control. i dunno. just so sad and tired. please wait to criticize me until later, okay?

unaluna · Jun 27, 2013, 09:33 AM

Maybe it's a sense of manners. Like why my t doesnt swear much. I get the sense he was raised with pretty good manners. But sometimes you see an edge to a person, and that will be enough to turn you off them. Maybe that's it, I gotta learn me some manners.

unaluna · Jun 27, 2013, 09:39 AM

Mkac, im sorry, I didnt mean to criticize. I dont know what it is either. I would just ask him, what was that? Like therapy.

karebear1 · Jun 27, 2013, 10:10 AM

You'll never be free of it guys. It will get better, but it seems to have an eternal life. Just ask me- who had a confrontation with my 32 year old last weekend about my health. It was tough- she just kept attacking me and attacking me about how much I'm not like I use to be. I finally told her she doesn't know what she's talking about and went up to my room. She DIDN'T follow me!! And, she apologized the next day.

Hang in there!

granite1 · Jun 27, 2013, 11:18 AM

MKAC i hope you were not feeling critisized at all by me nd or my PM .i do completely get what you are saying and it is hard but in the end you are sticking with it. no things are not always horrible at all.i see that and i think others do also .you have a right to come here to get some suport and all .RANT away. things will get better .your son is young and still full of hormones . you have your stuff in the mix. removing him from the room is not a horrible thing at all.oh and sometimes kids are just going to do what they need to do and it has nothing to do with who we are as parents at all. and we just need to wate it out and be there for them when they need us. like when he called to rant about his job and girl. MKAC youll be ok

mixedup_emotions · Jun 27, 2013, 12:45 PM

T ended up not canceling today....so I am heading in for a session that I didn't think I was going to have - and was hoping I didn't have, because I am in agony with this migraine. I have nothing to talk about, really. What a waste of time and money.

We'll see how it goes. I wonder if he's sticking around for my session so he can find out how group went the other day without him.

Jun 27, 2013, 01:04 PM

No, I didn't feel criticized by you, Granite, in either your public comment or the PM. Thank you. I was just feeling a little raw, I guess.

healed84 · Jun 27, 2013, 01:19 PM

Well with my H being furloughed (as part of the gov't sequester) and the fact that I am a teacher and don't get paid for the summer, I have to get a summer job. Sucks big time! Was looking forward to a summer to myself with the kids. Hopefully, it can be the weekend only do I will be at home with the kids during the week!

granite1 · Jun 27, 2013, 01:22 PM

MKAC it is so hard to know if we are doing the right thing all the time .but in the end i have to think as a parent if my heart is always in the right place right or wrong my son will be ok. i think your heart is always in the right place and you are a loveing mother and that is what counts right

mixedup_emotions · Jun 27, 2013, 03:19 PM

Back from my T session.

T wasn't feeling well, and neither was I....so it didn't make for a very productive session. He did bring up group, naturally.

It was my last session before T goes on vacation, so I wasn't going to delve into anything significant. I am T-less for the next 21 days - longest break since I started T. I'm interested in finding out what kind of impact that will have on me, if any.

I have a 3-hour teamed assignment tonight in which I need to be quite attentive and on my A game, which is difficult when I have such an intense migraine. The weather is supposed to be stormy off and on for at least another WEEK. Ugh.

I may consider seeing this woman that T recommended who does some sort of body work - and apparently helped him a lot in one session for his back yesterday. My initial instinct was NO WAY cuz I don't like to be touched. But maybe I'll reconsider and give it a try. Maybe.

Jun 27, 2013, 04:04 PM

I have my session in 1 hour. I'm starting to get anxious and I'm not sure how things will go. It feels so out of control since I don't know how the conversation will go.. I know that sounds crazy...

It's just that talking about my fear of anger leads to talking about PTSD symptoms and that leads to talking about the chaos and violence in my home during childhood.

Wiki... I hope you will be posting....

mixedup_emotions · Jun 27, 2013, 04:11 PM

It doesn't sound crazy at all, RTS. Hope it's a productive session for you!

mixedup_emotions · Jun 27, 2013, 04:11 PM

Heading out to my assignment. God help me.

Squirrel1983 · Jun 27, 2013, 04:18 PM

Home and caught up on the couch.

The senior place ended up asking me to stay an extra hour. They also asked if I could stay 1-2 hours later tomorrow. Sure...I have no life...I have nowhere to go...I have no plans...why not get the extra hours. I didn't tell them those reasons, but I thought them. I just told them that I didn't mind staying late.

Need to get to JCP now to pick up the bathing suit I ordered, since they didn't have my size in the store for the one I liked. I got a call today that it was in. Now I can go swimming with C when I am at his dad's on Wednesdays.

granite1 · Jun 27, 2013, 04:26 PM

i had my session on tuesday and it was hard .i am just today willing to even think about it .i feel kind of humiliated because i kind of freaked out .something i have not done for a bit

Jun 27, 2013, 04:28 PM

Granite that does sound like it must have been a difficult session.

murray · Jun 27, 2013, 04:28 PM

(Granite) do you want to talk about it?

granite1 · Jun 27, 2013, 04:45 PM

she asked me how i was feeling about everything going on with the mother. it was something i wanted her to do .in fact i was feeling kind of upset about her talking all about the stuff i could do to help her last session.i was like i just need to talk about how i am feeling .i didn't want fix it T. i just wanted to be able to have someone hear what was in my head. but when she asked me how i was feeling i freaked and froze and checked out totally. i couldn't deal. but my T was awesome about it. i could hear her calling my name and when i was ready she was able to help me talk a small amount about it and she heard me.but i just feel horrible about all of it .i am doing everything i need to do i am being the good daughter and so on but i told the mother she cant live with me and i feel like crap.anyway i am ranting .all done.

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