Couch 54, Where Are You?

All I was talking about was the weight issues... there are "norms" that are used when creating things.... lawn chairs do have a weight limit even if some don't list it... airplane seats are made with a "norms" of what society thinks is average... stores carry clothes to sized that society has as "norms" if you don't fit into those predetermine "norms" well then you will have issues... I'm not saying the norms are right or wrong or whatever... I'm just saying they exist...

its the same as height with clothes or even the length of beds sold in most stores and hotels... its the same with shoe sizes and other things...

It is like my brother in law expecting us not to have cheese at family events, just because he does not like the smell of it. Figure out a way to stay away from it, buddy.

Ah yes, those norms. Yes, they definitely exist. My feet are size 43 (European) which is apparently size 11.5 for women's shoes in the US. Definitely not the norm, even here
(I don't mind it, I don't care much what I wear on my feet as long as I can walk in reasonable comfort.)

Pbutton... I have issues with asking for support as well.

And to stop avoiding the issue, no, I don't think I should be asking for support. But that's my problem and nobody else's
And I certainly think other people should ask for support if they need it, and if they are able to receive it.

pbutton, I totally get the support thing. I don't reach out to people IRL when I'm struggling. I would much rather disappear and then re-enter the real world when I've snapped out of whatever funk I'm in. Unfortunately, it doesn't make for sustaining relationships, I've learned. What ends up happening for me is that people are happy to see the happy me - and then I disappear for months at a time - and then reappear. They can't count on me, so I end up not having close relationships.

I also tend to believe that people expect me to be a certain way, so it's embarrassing to me when I can't live up to their expectations. Also, reaching out feels yucky - like, weak and needy - when it's really just good self-care. I can't seem to get my feelings to match the action.

Mastadon... I don't know why I wrote that post... I had made it days without commenting on the topic... I guess it just hit home

BTW.... they have some really nice shoes in larger sizes for women online... not so much in stores here in US

RTS, I hope you don't think that I was criticising you, or being sarcastic. I really wasn't. I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.

I think it's true that many people have this sense of entitlement. If an emotional or a physical thing is an issue for them, they expect it to be an issue for everyone, or for everyone else to accommodate it or work around it. I think actual disabilities DO deserve accommodation, but too many people in my life anyway, are of the opinion that their issues are everyone's issue. I also have a brother in law with a smell issue -- he hates the smell of eggs and he gets pissed when he's in town and staying with my mother in law and someone makes eggs. I know people who are sensitive to certain topics so no one is supposed to discuss those topics around them -- even in a large group. Or curse words -- one acquaintance is super religious and gets very upset if anyone curses around them.

Some things are just an individual person's issues and it is up to them to just deal with it. On the other hand, for me personally, I don't want to go around poking people in the crazy on purpose.

I found a NordicTrack bike on craigs list! I am so excited. I loved my NordicTrack and actually cried when it broke. This is an $800 bike, barely used, and they want $175. H said fine, he'll help me get it tonight. I have a Schwinn, but I've had it less than a year and it's already creaking ominously. H pointed out that I put 12-18 miles on the poor thing 3-7 times a week at a fairly rapid pace, and he also uses it on really high resistance.

What is the difference between forcing one's issues onto other people out of a sense of entitlement and reaching out for support?

Mast you didn't make me uncomfortable... I just didn't want the comment I was making about one particular thing to be applied to lots of general stuff that I wasn't intending ...or implying...

With a name like NordicTrack, it has to be good. The flightless mammoth approves.

I think there's a huge difference between 'please help me' and 'you have to do this because I have an issue.' Or even just a generic 'here's my issue; I need support,' versus 'here's my issue and here's what you should (or must) do because of my issue.' For me the difference is in what feels like a lack of choice, or an EXPECTATION on the other person's part that I must accommodate them.

In my immediate family, I am okay with my H having an expectation that I will not do something harmful to him or I will help him if I possibly can. However, I do not think he has a right to expect me to never curse, for example, just because it bothers him. THAT kind of an issue, I think is his problem and he just needs to get over. On the other hand, it bothers him to have people call him 'weird' or 'odd' so I never, ever do that. Not sure what the distinction is in my head.

I have a phobia of fish; it's roughly linked to my CSA.

Forcing my issue: Telling someone they need to remove their aquarium from their living room.

Reaching out for support: Asking for a seat where I do not have to directly look at the fish tank.

I see a big difference between asking and telling. It's about expectation and politeness.

Cursing in his vicinity seems quite different than calling him a particular name. I can see a distinction there.

I guess this is why I wrote the post... I felt like a whole group of people were being described as having a sense of entitlement.... and I guess I felt I needed to defend myself... just me being defensive...

personally... if I was willing to eat a very restrictive diet (as I've been told by atleast 8 different doctors) for the rest of my life I could fit in the "average" norm.... so far I haven't the will to do it... no one else's issue but mine...

sometimes the weight issues serves a person's psychological needs...

I was realizing as I was writing the post above that sometimes with H, I used to feel like I WAS entitled to have him accommodate my issues and was thinking I am a total hypocrite about that. Before, when I would finally ask him for emotional support or talk to him about an emotional issue, I was generally in such a dire place and so desperate before I would break down and ask for help, that when he did not give me what I asked for, it felt like absolute betrayal and as if he didn't love me.

Now I am better, I think, about not reacting badly when he refuses to address my emotional needs. I didn't realize until we were discussing this how much that has changed for me lately. I no longer wait until I'm desperate every time, and I am better about telling him calmly what my needs are and not being so reactive when he doesn't address those needs. It doesn't feel like such a desperate situation anymore. hmmmm

Damn it. Accidentally edited that one up there when I meant to quote it. I have been pondering this a bit longer:

Forcing my issue: Telling someone they need to remove their aquarium from their living room.

Reaching out for support: Asking for a seat where I do not have to directly look at the fish tank.

What I would actually do in a real life situation: Panic, not ask for any help, shut down, stop speaking and check out. All while berating myself for my inability to react and behave like a normal person.

most people don't want anything to do with overweight people... (so even though you could be the largest person in the room) you are invisible.... and that can be a very good thing...

Ready, I admit that I sometimes have issues where heavy women are concerned, as a result of stuff with my mother. I have feelings like I'm suffocating, feel trapped and panicked, and have weird sensory flashbacks. I can control myself and my responses, and the weird flashbacky stuff goes away as I get to know people. With heavy women who are YOUNGER than me, I have no problems. One of my closest friends commented one time about her weight approaching 300 and honest to god, I had not noticed. So heavy women are not invisible to me, but I do get extremely uncomfortable.

Once I was at the Y and needed to get to my locker. This really heavy woman was standing RIGHT in front of my locker in a bathing suit. I asked her nicely if I could get in the locker for just a second and she said okay, but when I went to get into the locker, she went ahead and took off her bathing suit and was actually touching me and brushing against me while doing so. It was all I could do not to come unglued. I was sweating and shaking and couldn't breathe. In that situation, I didn't feel like it was unreasonable to expect someone to step the **** back a little and let me into the locker and not ****ing get NAKED while standing that close to me, and then to not ****ing TOUCH me while naked. But, I know it's MY issue, so I said nothing to her and just hauled *** out of there.

He's got a good sniffer! Out of all the smelly food, he complains about cheese?? Darn that cheddar!!

Thanks for this Ready.
I am obese and am always terrified of breaking something or taking up too much space or eating in front of anyone or being the repulsive "fat lady" or....my issues completely, I know. I would never expect anyone to accommodate me, but I do know that some people do act entitled.

You are so right about the weight serving psychological needs. It can be a very complicated issue. For me, as much as I loathe being obese, the feeling of vulnerability and being "seen" when I was an average weight was too much. A few years ago, when I had been beginning to feel healthier and safer, the extra weight just came off. I didn't diet or do anything consciously to lose weight, I just somehow felt that it was okay to let it go and I did. Then I found out that I had been living with a sex offender, despite trying to escape that life from my childhood. The weight immediately came back on and even now I cant seem to feel safe enough to lose it. I go to the gym and work out but then eat a pint of ice cream to counteract whatever good I have done by exercising. At this point in my life I just cant let go of my armor. In fact, my poor T, made an offhand remark the other day that it looked like I was seeing some progress from going to the gym and I spent two days having flashbacks of abuse and CSA,SA. I just cant be "seen" yet without feeling too unsafe and vulnerable. Sorry. TMI. Just wanted to say that I agree with you about weight and psychological needs.

wow MKAC...thats the difference... first of all I would never undress in front of anyone and I would never wear a bathing suit... in my opinion those things are not acceptable for me to do.

I can't imagine getting naked right next to someone I didn't know, no matter what my weight. Is that a CSA thing or just common sense?