Distrustful of Perceptions

T and I had a mini-rupture in the past couple of weeks. I went to session last week and I was late due to traffic congestion, and when I told T that hated being late he said something like, Yeah, but he looked REALLY irritated. I am very sensitive to others' nonverbal emotions, and I remember how he looked (irritated) like a snapshot. So, I asked if he was angry (not just about being late, other things, too), and he said, no I absolutely wasn't.

This has been quite disturbing to me, because I rely on my sensitivities a lot as a safeguard, and I can't convince myself that he wasn't irritated. I believe what he says intellectually, though. It is very disconcerting and confusing.

I can't figure out whether to trust him or myself?

How long has you worked together? Is this the first time anything like this has happened?

Unless your history gives you reason to doubt your gut, I'd say trust it. Since it's at such odds with your reading of T, you probably are going to have to hash this out in session. I'm guessing you've been with this T a fairly short time ... right? If not, then the misread would seem more serious.

I have been with him since September. I am okay if he was angry/irritated, or if he wasn't, I know Ts are human and so that doesn't bother me, it is over.
But, what does bother me is that I don't know when I can or can't trust my perceptions. I was just wondering if anyone else had this issue? Thanks for your reply!

Also, the day this happened, I was in a not so great ego state, and when I went in the next day, the whole room looked completely different (bigger, lighter), I was in a different ego state (mood/feeling state or whatever it is).

If my perceptions about the room were different, it would follow that all of my perceptions were skewed, but I usually can depend on my nonverbal perceptions, but I don't know. Sorry if this makes no sense.

I had this problem last session, too, actually. I thought for sure that T was frustrated with me, but I know that my initial reactions can be off. When I looked back on the fundamentals of the session, I don't think he was frustrated.....rather I was projecting my frustration onto him.

Yes, I think you are right. I was thinking that I wasn't irritated at all with him, but I was with me, so I probably projected that on him. It all gets so confusing sometimes. Thanks for your reply!

((((anti))) I find a lot of the time my perceptions are that my T is angry; and therefore I read that into things even though he says he isn't. I'm learning (very slowly) that often it's because I expect him to be angry because within me is the sense that he should be; and so because I've made that determination and am expecting it I'm hypersensitive and even if he says something as innocent as Hi, I'd be convinced he was angry One thing I notice is that with my T this is a lot more sensitive than with any other person

I think I do that, too. I also was expecting him to be angry also. I am also hypersensitive, and I hate it not only for me but for people who have to deal with me. Thanks for your reply

((((Anti))))

I think this is key. I do think it would be a great thing to bring up next session to see if you can figure out where those feelings came from. But for now, it seems a perfectly understandable thing, and actually, kind of good to me: maybe instead of your non-verbal perception "failing" you, maybe it's more in tune with your ego state at the time? I'd try to observe it as curious for now, and take it up in session.

Anti,
I think what the others said is true that maybe you convinced yourself that he should have been mad with you because you were mad at you because you were late is a good explanation. When you are not mad and somebody is not mad but you ask them are they mad I know it makes me mad and defensive , maybe your took offended because he wasn't mad and his face was just portraying this, sometimes if somebody catches us off guard we can't control our facial expressions. I would believe your gut instinct too. T always tells me our gut instinct never lies.

Antimatter, you are absolutely right to question your perceptions. If they're 'wrong' that doesn't make them invalid - it's all information - but obviously it is important to recognise.

I sometimes think my T looks irritated when he's not.

No one can read other people's minds or even their "faces"/emotions well, it's hard enough to understand words. If you ask another person what they think/feel and they tell you, you have to take them at their word as they are the only one who can know for sure what they are thinking/feeling. That does not mean your perceptions are "wrong", you saw/felt irritation but that's about you, not about the other person!

It should not bother you much if what you perceive and what the other person says do not match; that you doubt yourself/your perceptions is what you probably should work on. All of it, your perceptions and how you think about them and what the person says and how it all does not match, etc. is just information for you to decide what you want to do.

You did your best to check out your perceptions and I would be very proud of that; a lot of people just go with what they themselves feel and do not ask the "expert", the other person what is actually going on with them. But ultimately you have to decide the "weight" of your information. Why was whether he/someone else was irritated or not of such importance to you? Their problem.

Just to clarify, I didn't say I could read minds, I definitely can't (at least without my crystal ball, ha). xT used to tell me that I was very perceptive and as such, he said the thought it best to be affectually honest with me. I liked that, because it taught me how to tolerate others being irritated with me, it taught me that just because other people are angry, that even if I think I have done something to deserve that, that I am allowed to make mistakes here and there. I am still figuring this all out, but it does tend to bother me when other people are angry with me. I'm sure there's a reason for that? Thanks for your post!