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  #1  
Old Jun 24, 2013, 03:41 AM
southpole southpole is offline
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I just had an "aha!" moment. There have been a couple of posts in the last few days that have made mention of self-soothing and the idea that Ts aren't there to reassure us, that we have to learn to reassure ourselves and that that is a valuable coping mechanism. As soon as I read that it made things very clear for me as to what my T says and does.

T never reassures me - even when I really want her to. When I have gone in and apologized for something (how I have responded to her/how I've behaved etc) she doesn't say "don't worry, it's fine". Instead she says something like "that seems to be a normal reaction for you, let's explore that" or "why do you think you need to apologize?" which annoys the HELL out of me! I always think "I just want you to tell me it's ok, that we're good, that you don't hate me", but she never does. As I said, drives me mad. But it has made me realize three things. 1) I apologize compulsively, 2) I assume that people think the worst of me and 3) I can't read minds. For her, something I consider a possible rupture may not be the same. Her hating me or thinking I'm a freak is probably inaccurate. And saying sorry all the time and asking for reassurance doesn't really make me feel better, especially if it's something I probably don't need to be apologizing/seeking reassurance for. I am just so used to keeping other people happy that I constantly worry about doing things wrong.

Interesting thing is I think I'm slowly being able to work this out for myself. "Oh maybe she doesn't hate me! Maybe I haven't read her mind! Maybe I didn't do anything wrong?!" I think what's interesting too is that I know that even if she did reassure me that she didn't hate me (or whatever) that I probably would still worry about it anyway. So when I can make it ok in my own head, it seems to make me need reassurance less. Does that make sense to anyone else?

Do you also find that your T will never reassure you, and if so, how do you manage that?

T school must be a weird and wonderful place. Learning how to not reassure people, how to remain impartial, how to respond with kindness and compassion, how to simultaneously encourage attachment whilst maintaining boundaries, how to never talk about yourself etc etc ... I don't think I could do it!
Hugs from:
Freewilled, jadedbutterfly, tinyrabbit
Thanks for this!
1stepatatime, FeelTheBurn, murray

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  #2  
Old Jun 24, 2013, 03:57 AM
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Moodswing Moodswing is offline
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Mine reassures me all the time!
Thanks for this!
southpole
  #3  
Old Jun 24, 2013, 04:03 AM
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feralkittymom feralkittymom is offline
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That's why it all works!

I think reassurance is a very wide term that can cover a lot of different behaviors. But what keeps the lack of reassurance from being cold is that it should be happening within a framework of being securely held in the therapy.

If you think about it, IRL reassurances often have the effect of pushing someone's concerns away and ending the engagement, rather than supporting the need.
Thanks for this!
PreacherHeckler, southpole
  #4  
Old Jun 24, 2013, 05:21 AM
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tinyrabbit tinyrabbit is offline
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I posted a thread that seems relevant here: http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...quick-fix.html

As someone said to me on there, your T is working the bigger picture and getting you to think for yourself - and change the way you do that. It sounds like you're making great progress
Thanks for this!
Hope-Full, southpole
  #5  
Old Jun 24, 2013, 08:55 AM
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BlessedRhiannon BlessedRhiannon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by southpole View Post
Do you also find that your T will never reassure you, and if so, how do you manage that?
Mine actually reassures me when I ask for it. But, I'm very clear that is what i need in the moment, and it's not a constant thing. Usually, if something has happened between my therapist and I that leaves me questioning the relationship, or feeling very unsafe or insecure, I will tell T that I need to know if everything is still okay between us. Or, I'll tell her "I need some reassurance that what I shared with you hasn't screwed up anything between us."

However, T knows that my history consists of me sharing things with people I thought I could trust and then having it turn out badly. So, that is my automatic assumption. Instead of convincing myself that T hates me or that I've screwed up the relationship, it is easier for me to just ask her. Then I don't have to try and mind read.

T doesn't offer smpty platitudes. However, if I ask for reassurance over a specific event, she will give that reassurance in a specific manner (ex: telling me that the relationship is still strong and solid in her view, telling me that what I'm experiencing is normal, telling me that it's okay to need and ask for help, etc)
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Thanks for this!
southpole
  #6  
Old Jun 24, 2013, 09:05 AM
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mixedup_emotions mixedup_emotions is offline
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My T says that when you assume blame or apologize, that it puts you in a less powerful position. I guess that's why my T never apologizes for anything even when I believe it may be warranted and helpful.
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Thanks for this!
0w6c379, Hope-Full, southpole
  #7  
Old Jun 24, 2013, 09:40 AM
southpole southpole is offline
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Thanks for the responses, food for thought.

Feralkittymom, that's an interesting point re ending the engagement by apologizing, I do often feel when I get reassured by someone (or when I over-apologize about something) that that's the end of the matter and I have to move on. Even though the over-apologizing usually means that I really need to explore something. When T makes me think about why I am apologizing, as much as I hate it, I usually find that I have taken blame for something that is either not blame/shame worthy or which actually is not my fault. So yeah, that's been really helpful.

BlessedRhiannon I think that's a great thing that you can ask your T for reassurance when you need it! And that she helps you if you are feeling insecure. To be fair, mine has reassured me on one occasion that things were fine between us, only when I said something so huge and embarrassing that I wanted to run away. But there have been times (quite a few) when I've said something full on and I say "You must think I'm weird", and she doesn't say "No I don't". Instead she asks me why I think she thinks I'm weird and usually what comes out of that is that it's me who thinks I'm weird, and she is far more compassionate to me than I am to myself. So then I get thinking as to why I am being so hard on myself. Usually then she says something like "how do you feel using words like brave, or resilient, or smart, to describe yourself instead?", and whilst I always at that at first, I start to realize that maybe I am actually those things rather than just weird. Maybe.

Well that was a bit of a convoluted description, but maybe it made sense
Thanks for this!
sunrise
  #8  
Old Jun 24, 2013, 09:42 AM
southpole southpole is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions View Post
My T says that when you assume blame or apologize, that it puts you in a less powerful position.
So true. This is how I feel when I apologize all the time. It's not a good feeling!

Quote:
Originally Posted by tinyrabbit View Post
I posted a thread that seems relevant here: http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...quick-fix.html

As someone said to me on there, your T is working the bigger picture and getting you to think for yourself - and change the way you do that. It sounds like you're making great progress
Thanks for the link to the thread tinyrabbit! Very interesting. And thanks for the comment - I think I'm making progress too
  #9  
Old Jun 24, 2013, 09:59 AM
Anonymous37903
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T doesn't reasure me. But she does give me back what I'm saying In another way. A more manageable way, so I later think about it when alone & use it to settle my disturbance.
  #10  
Old Jun 24, 2013, 05:33 PM
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Miswimmy1 Miswimmy1 is offline
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my t reassures me when i need it, but for the most part, just listens and guides me toward reassuring myself.
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  #11  
Old Jun 24, 2013, 06:06 PM
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tinyrabbit tinyrabbit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by southpole View Post
So true. This is how I feel when I apologize all the time. It's not a good feeling!


Thanks for the link to the thread tinyrabbit! Very interesting. And thanks for the comment - I think I'm making progress too
It's a process, and it does get easier with time
  #12  
Old Jun 25, 2013, 06:22 AM
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WikidPissah WikidPissah is offline
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I think it depends on the reassuring...

For certain things:
I told my Xt about some csa, and texted him later to make sure he didn't find me repulsive. He reassured me.
Not for others:
If I was to ask him if he hated me for the 12th time that month, I am sure he would have told me to "think about what I've already told you"
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never mind...
  #13  
Old Jun 25, 2013, 07:31 PM
sittingatwatersedge sittingatwatersedge is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WikidPissah View Post
If I was to ask him if he hated me for the 12th time that month, I am sure he would have told me to "think about what I've already told you"
yeh I hate it when that happens.
  #14  
Old Jun 25, 2013, 08:13 PM
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wotchermuggle wotchermuggle is offline
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My T reassures me a lot. I try to hold onto that reassurance but in a lot of ways, I really need to hear it a lot of the time just to ease my mind.
  #15  
Old Jun 25, 2013, 10:57 PM
Anonymous37844
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TMI sorry
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attentionThis is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.




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