The last 6 months or so ago have been for nothing, my T doesn't remember me telling him about wanting to have sex with him or feeling like i was going to die without him. Do i just dream all this stuff? The last 6 months have felt a little unreal, but I don't know what's going on. It's like when people say they see you dow the beach but you are sure that you weren't there. If i wasn't already mad I'd swear i was going mad.

He remembered talking about attraction and all that.

[CantExplain]

((BA))

Sometimes we think so hard about saying something we really believe we've said it.
But maybe you did say it and he simply doesn't remember.
There's really no way to tell unless you record every session.

Thanks CE. I can't really rely on my memory anymore, I just can't tell what's real and what's not anymore.

[WikidPissah]

(((BPA))) Whether you said it or not, it must feel awful to have him "not remember". I was devastated when I lost my 17 yr old dog last year. I emailed T, and he responded. Two days later at my appointment I told him I was still upset, and he asked me "about what?" That really hurt me, that he could forget such a major event so quickly. They hear 30-40 stories a week, they are human, they're going to forget a few.

Sorry it hurts so much.

I'm sorry this happened to you, BPA... especially now that you are not going to see your T for such a long time. I seem to remember you posting about the session when you told him (my apologies if I misremember this). Sometimes Ts do forget rather major things. For me, it makes me feel rather unimportant and uninteresting, but rationally, I know that it's simply that they have too much to keep track of.

Look at it this way: it has not caused your T to think that you are disgusting or weird. (Which, of course, you are not.)

[unaluna]

How we FEEL isnt how things always come across. Unless we are the greatest of orators. Even then, we are in therapy, and t isnt simply an audience. When he asks, what are you upset about, it's not because he doesnt remember; it's because you didnt state it. I think it is our responsibility, when we interrupt another person's space with our concerns, to let them know what we want to talk about. It's presumptuous to assume what someone else is thinking - "oh, you're over that already? - or - gee, you're not over that yet?" It can go wrong so many ways. And maybe it's not what you want to talk about. Sounds like mind reading is the problem, and I think that points to anger and responsibility, idk.

[stopdog]

I don't think the fact he did not remember would lead to a conclusion that you did not tell him. I would conclude it did not matter to him.

Originally Posted by Mastodon

I'm sorry this happened to you, BPA... especially now that you are not going to see your T for such a long time. I seem to remember you posting about the session when you told him (my apologies if I misremember this). Sometimes Ts do forget rather major things. For me, it makes me feel rather unimportant and uninteresting, but rationally, I know that it's simply that they have too much to keep track of.

Look at it this way: it has not caused your T to think that you are disgusting or weird. (Which, of course, you are not.)

Funny you should say that Mast. He did tell me that he has let his workload overwhelm him and has stopped accepting new patients. I do feel unimportant but he doesn't think I'm disgusting or weird, so maybe I'll cut him some slack.

Originally Posted by hankster

How we FEEL isnt how things always come across. Unless we are the greatest of orators. Even then, we are in therapy, and t isnt simply an audience. When he asks, what are you upset about, it's not because he doesnt remember; it's because you didnt state it. I think it is our responsibility, when we interrupt another person's space with our concerns, to let them know what we want to talk about. It's presumptuous to assume what someone else is thinking - "oh, you're over that already? - or - gee, you're not over that yet?" It can go wrong so many ways. And maybe it's not what you want to talk about. Sounds like mind reading is the problem, and I think that points to anger and responsibility, idk.

But I was so sure that I mentioned it at least 3 times, Hank. I know I do the mind-reading thing and i did say something to that effect last night.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think the fact he did not remember would lead to a conclusion that you did not tell him. I would conclude it did not matter to him.

And this could be taken harshly except that a client in transference can see the t as a parental figure on whom her life depends (I was just talking to t about this today) and maybe the reason it doesnt matter so much to the t is that - like a dentist - it hurts us a whole lot more than it hurts them. But I think they would see it more as a cost of doing business, not that it doesn't matter to them.

[stopdog]

I was not trying to be harsh at anyone.

SD was just expressing a personal opinion, right SD?

[stopdog]

When the therapist i see does not remember, I assume it is because it was not important to her to do so. I do not assume I did not say something. That is what I was getting at. I don't know how that is harsh, but if it is, I don't mean it to be.

I didn't find it harsh, SD.

That happened to me! What I told my therapist was a bit different, but she forgot too.

A few weeks after my confession I tried to tell her that I couldn't get over the shame of what I told her before. I wanted her help to get over the shame. But - instead - she didn't have a clue what I was talking about! That put me in the awful position of not knowing whether to go through the pain of telling her a second time so that we could continue the conversation, or to just let her continue not knowing. I wanted to 'undo' what I said before. Her forgetting accomplishes that, right?

Unfortunately, it triggered many months of not feeling safe, which was something we had been working on for a long time. How could I be safe with someone who didn't remember something as big as that? Plus, whether she remembered it or not, her internal reaction was to pull away and put up barriers between us. If she didn't know what happened, how could I know that it wouldn't happen again the next time I was vulnerable with her?

The rupture continued for two years until she finally could say to me, 'I know what happened, and I'm working on it in supervision and my own therapy.'

I encourage you to keep talking about it until you are heard and you feel ok about it all. Not being heard, supported, and understood in something so big is a valid topic for therapy.

Turtle

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

When the therapist i see does not remember, I assume it is because it was not important to her to do so. I do not assume I did not say something. That is what I was getting at. I don't know how that is harsh, but if it is, I don't mean it to be.

I guess I dont even like the assumption that it was unimportant to the t. That sounds harsh - like demeaning to me. Like im not important. But I like how you're stating it here. Because it sounds like it fits in more with my paradigm, which is simply that something else is more important. That it's apples and oranges, not not apples. Im trying to say we shouldnt assume something on ts part, and thats what sd was saying? Thanks folks.

[0w6c379]

There is something called "selective memory" whereby people remember what they want to. It's possible your T has issues dealing with your affection for him and rather than "remember" you have feelings for him, it's easier for him to forget it. Don't let his "forgetfulness" cause you to question what you believe to be true. You are not "going mad". You know what you've been telling him for months. Stand by your belief and, if need be, give him some slack. Remind him of what you've said. See how he responds. If he tries to change the subject or redirect the conversation then you know he has trouble dealing with this himself. You may need to speak to another T to get help. Don't let your T's lack of memory confuse you or throw you off balance. Have confidence in yourself.

PS: When people say they saw you at the beach, most likely, their view was from a distance. There are probably a zillion people that look like you from a distance.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by hankster

I guess I dont even like the assumption that it was unimportant to the t. That sounds harsh - like demeaning to me. Like im not important. But I like how you're stating it here. Because it sounds like it fits in more with my paradigm, which is simply that something else is more important. That it's apples and oranges, not not apples. Im trying to say we shouldnt assume something on ts part, and thats what sd was saying? Thanks folks.

No, that is not what I am saying. I believe if the therapist does not remember something - it means it was simply not important enough to the therapist to remember it. I put the onus on the therapist for failure to remember - I do not doubt myself in what I said.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

No, that is not what I am saying. I believe if the therapist does not remember something - it means it was simply not important enough to the therapist to remember it. I put the onus on the therapist for failure to remember - I do not doubt myself in what I said.

Sorry. I'm getting lost in my own logic or rather lack thereof!!