[growlithing]

Sorry to be posting so much recently. I’m having a really rough time and talking to people makes me feel a little less lonely. So thanks for your help.

I was wondering if any of you have dealt with abandonment issues. I find that mine are really overwhelming me right now. I haven’t seen my T since May (for those of you who didn’t see my last post) and I’m also not around any of my friends right now. I really REALLY need lots of interaction with other people or I get very upset very quickly. It’s complicated because I do think I have some level of social anxiety. Anyway, only one of my friends is good at keeping up communication and it’s starting to get to me. A couple times every day, I start to worry that I’m driving her away and she will at some point just stop talking to me. And when I say worry, I mean I completely lose my ***** and I’m tempted to message her a bazillion times thanking her for talking to me and apologizing for being annoying. I don’t because I know that this is in my head and I'd just end up sounding super clingy. She's done nothing at all to warrant this fear. I don't have this problem when I'm talking to several other people frequently. I guess that way I have a backup in case one of them leaves me.

I also worry that maybe I’ve been interpreting my T wrong after all of this time and maybe she doesn’t actually care about me. Or maybe I’ll end up frustrating her because I’m not good at opening up about my feelings and she’ll eventually give up on me. Sometimes, I actually already feel abandoned because I need her now and I can’t get a hold of her until Sep. It’s not rational because I know that’s not her fault. The school decided that summers must be no contact, not her. I feel guilty for feeling that and I feel guilty for having much less of a problem being open emotionally on PC than with her. And I'm worried that I'll annoy everyone on this site by posting too many stupid things.

I’m just so paranoid that I’ll lose everyone and be completely alone. I don’t know how to quell these fears let alone overcome this problem completely. My only strategy to handle this has been using SI to block it all out and I know that isn't okay. Has anyone had any success with dealing with this? Sorry.

[Leah123]

You're not alone in having these issues. Plus, having to go from May to September without your therapist is a LONG time, no wonder you're anxious. I would do some research to see if you can find other therapeutic support, whether it be free 12 step meetings, low fee counseling, youth support phone lines, etc.

Also, wanted to tell you, you're wrong. You're not going to drive everyone away.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Leah123

You're not alone in having these issues. Plus, having to go from May to September without your therapist is a LONG time, no wonder you're anxious. I would do some research to see if you can find other therapeutic support, whether it be free 12 step meetings, low fee counseling, youth support phone lines, etc.

Also, wanted to tell you, you're wrong. You're not going to drive everyone away.

I can't do any of that. The phone makes me nervous, I'm not religious so 12 step programs are useless and I can't pay for anything without my parents knowing

[Leah123]

I am an athiest, 12 step programs were useful to me a lot. You can do things if you want to. I did when I was 16. I understand that's how you feel though, and that it's not easy.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I am an athiest, 12 step programs were useful to me a lot. You can do things if you want to. I did when I was 16. I understand that's how you feel though, and that it's not easy.

I'm an atheist too. How are they useful. when you can't buy into needing a higher power to recover? I'm 20 but I can't drive. My parents can't find out and the idea of doing group work scares me

[CantExplain]

September is too long to wait. I hope you will consider getting an interim counsellor of some kind.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

September is too long to wait. I hope you will consider getting an interim counsellor of some kind.

I know. I'm losing my ****ing mind.

[A Red Panda]

Oh I've got really big abandonment issues too. They're rather ridiculous. I tend to always expect that people are going to leave though, so while it'll hurt like h*** I'm never really all that surprised by it.

I have a lot of pretend conversations in my head (and a few times in writing) with other people... either the people I want to be apologizing too or the people who I am confused about. Like.. I'll have a billion pretend conversations to go over all the different possible outcomes - including worst-case and best-case scenarios. Honestly, I make myself cry with these silly conversations. But at the end of it, I've expressed my feelings and had various possible reactions from the person... and I likely won't need to express it to them in actuality. If I know it's just me being a bit ridiculous. If it's something I DO need to talk to them about, then well, I'll typically have various responses somewhat sorted out in my head.

That's probably pretty silly... but it helps me.

[unaluna]

Your "higher power" can be whatever you want it to be, so really you can feel free to be as ironic and abstract as you want. It can be a leaf on a tree. There is some good stuff in AA. I particularly like A.R.T.S. Anonymous, thats Artists Recovering thru the Twelve Steps. They have their booklets online. Not many cities have meetings. They also do phone meetings somehow. But really nobody ever hassled me about the higher power deal.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I'm an atheist too. How are they useful. when you can't buy into needing a higher power to recover? I'm 20 but I can't drive. My parents can't find out and the idea of doing group work scares me

I did not learn to drive until I was 33, that didn't stop me, I took buses. I didn't find the need to rely on a higher power at all. There is a lot of support, information, success stories, empathy and the folks are mostly non-judgmental. I was not hassled at all about God or anything. It wasn't perfect, but what is?

It kept me going for a couple years, I made some friends, I had someone to confide in when I was desperate for it, and I knew I wasn't the only one with a life story like mine, not the only one who was like me.

Well, as far as what scares you, the question is... what's more scary... your current feelings or the fear of trying something new...

you can leave home and call an 800 crisis number for free, your folks don't need to know. There are options.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I did not learn to drive until I was 33, that didn't stop me, I took buses. I didn't find the need to rely on a higher power at all. There is a lot of support, information, success stories, empathy and the folks are mostly non-judgmental. I was not hassled at all about God or anything. It wasn't perfect, but what is?

It kept me going for a couple years, I made some friends, I had someone to confide in when I was desperate for it, and I knew I wasn't the only one with a life story like mine, not the only one who was like me.

Well, as far as what scares you, the question is... what's more scary... your current feelings or the fear of trying something new...

you can leave home and call an 800 crisis number for free, your folks don't need to know. There are options.

There is no public transportation anywhere near my parents' house.

I do have people. I have a wonderful support system at school. I just have to wait a month to get there.

I've called a crisis line before and it was really unhelpful.

[growlycat]

I didn't get my first car till 40!!

Always lived in cities w/buses and transit until recently.

Abandonment issues? oh yeah. it gets better, but half the battle is being able to talk about it.

Are you sure you can't write T a letter?

if not, are there any Meetup groups you can get to that are supportive? (i'm not a 12 step fan myself but I know agnostics and atheists who use what is useful and disregard the rest)

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I didn't get my first car till 40!!

Always lived in cities w/buses and transit until recently.

Abandonment issues? oh yeah. it gets better, but half the battle is being able to talk about it.

Are you sure you can't write T a letter?

if not, are there any Meetup groups you can get to that are supportive? (i'm not a 12 step fan myself but I know agnostics and atheists who use what is useful and disregard the rest)

I can't write her a letter. I have no address to send it to. I don't have any personal contact information for her.

I don't know of any groups. I don't have any way to get to them and I'm really scared about being open in front of a bunch of strangers.

[growlycat]

I guess I meant send a letter to her via the counseling office at school.
Either someone forwards her mail OR she will get it as soon as she is back. It might feel better knowing that your thoughts are "out there" for her, even if she won't get it right away. Hope this makes sense.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I guess I meant send a letter to her via the counseling office at school.
Either someone forwards her mail OR she will get it as soon as she is back. It might feel better knowing that your thoughts are "out there" for her, even if she won't get it right away. Hope this makes sense.

I don't know. I don't know what would happen of I tried to contact her through the school. It would cause a scene for sure. If she managed to get a hold of a letter or something, it would make her worried. She worries about me even when I'm in a much better mental state than I am right now. She'd probably have the head of her department call me because she wouldn't be allowed to. That conversation wouldn't be very great because I'd get nervous and lie to her about how I am doing. Then my first meeting with her in Sep would be an intervention and the department head would be present and they would talk to me and decide whether or not to have me committed. And then they'd contact one of the deans and she'd get concerned and eventually my teacher would hear about it and he'd get concerned and I just don't see how that would be pleasant for anyone involved. My school is extremely small and if I said anything that made her think I was having active sui thoughts, this drama would unfold. I don't know if risking that is worth it. It would probably make me more anxious and I'm already shaking nearly constantly.

[growlycat]

Take a breath!! It's ok...really.



As long as you don't say anything threatening about yourself or others, they won't commit you. Would it be so bad if someone got in touch to check in with you? Maybe she would be allowed to call. It could be a big relief.

You could always bounce letter ideas to PC people and they will honestly tell you if it sounds threatening or not.

Chances are, a letter will sit in a mail slot until she returns, but she will know on her return that you need help.

[rise__above]

I have abandonment issues as well. You can always PM me

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Take a breath!! It's ok...really.



As long as you don't say anything threatening about yourself or others, they won't commit you. Would it be so bad if someone got in touch to check in with you? Maybe she would be allowed to call. It could be a big relief.

You could always bounce letter ideas to PC people and they will honestly tell you if it sounds threatening or not.

Chances are, a letter will sit in a mail slot until she returns, but she will know on her return that you need help.

If she called, it wouldn't be a relief. I have an EXTREMELY hard time talking about my feelings out loud. Last time I tried to talk to her on the phone, I ended up saying nothing, getting really nervous, and hanging up.

Maybe. She can probably guess that I really need help, but maybe not this badly.

[Leah123]

You're talking yourself into a corner here. Every suggestion, you find a reason to shoot down. It's going to be up to you to find some support. If posting here is enough, that's good, I just did not get the sense it was. There are options... it's a matter of how willing you are to have relief. Risk/reward. Best of luck getting through this very rough patch. I hope you find something helpful!

[bunnylove45]

Since 'abandonment' was in your title, I thought I would suggest a book about that subject: "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson.

Truth be told, I haven't read the full book. The first few pages that talks about all the types of abandonment (emotional/physical) etc. made me cry! Yipes! I have a history of emotional parental neglect.

I wanted to share in the event it may help.

[tinyrabbit]

Don't apologise for posting. It's good that you're reaching out. May to September is a long, long time to go without your T. And I hear you on hating phone calls, I'm the same.

Would it help you to put together some reminders of the people you are missing? Could you write down things you've done together, what you like about them, nice things they've said, etc?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Don't apologise for posting. It's good that you're reaching out. May to September is a long, long time to go without your T. And I hear you on hating phone calls, I'm the same.

Would it help you to put together some reminders of the people you are missing? Could you write down things you've done together, what you like about them, nice things they've said, etc?

Not really. If I collect memories of them I'll just get more upset that I'm not with them. I also have a very hard time writing down positive things about people. I'm not sure why.

I guess my primary problem is that I'm currently not at my parents' house, but my program is ending at the end of the week and I'll have to be taken back and I'm so scared and so anxious about going back to that house that I'm melting down. I don't have anywhere else to go and I'll just be alone in that basement for 5 weeks with limited human contact. That scares me a lot. I don't want to go back there. Ever. Part of me wants to just end it all so I don't have to deal with that, but I know that would be an incredibly stupid reason to die especially since I'll be back in Boston with my T and my friends in just a month. Part of me also just wants to run out and grab a knife while I still have the freedom to leave the house so I have a "better" tool for the 5 weeks, but I know that is a horrible idea too. I could seriously hurt myself and if I seriously hurt myself, I'd have to go to the doctor which I really don't want to do especially because my mom would have to know about it.

It's just 5 weeks. I can't just spend those 5 weeks being self destructive, I just feel so trapped and afraid.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Leah123

You're talking yourself into a corner here. Every suggestion, you find a reason to shoot down. It's going to be up to you to find some support. If posting here is enough, that's good, I just did not get the sense it was. There are options... it's a matter of how willing you are to have relief. Risk/reward. Best of luck getting through this very rough patch. I hope you find something helpful!

Yeah I know I am. Sorry for being obnoxious.

[Leah123]

You're not being obnoxious. You're scared and pessimistic. Sometimes I tell my little girl, that it's okay to feel scared, but that we need to take our feelings and act through them. It's one thing to feel afraid, another to give into it. Sometimes.... I have to tell myself that too.

Up to you the best way to deal with this, but I am hearing you need support, more than you're getting, and I hope you'll find a path that works for you to get it.

[Bill3]

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