How does a client's suicide affect their T?

Can you spend as much time as possible outside of the house? Even just walking somewhere? Is there a bus system you can walk to? Hang out in a bookstore, mall, something like that? I think distraction from the space in your house would be helpful.

There is literally nothing here. No bus, no cabs, no bookstore that I can walk to, nothing. There is a Starbucks about a mile and a half away and a bunch of boring little antique shops. There is no sidewalk to get there and I'd be walking on very busy roads. I also would have nothing to do there when I get there and being alone in a room full of people is a fairly bad trigger for me.

But yeah, getting out of the house would be good for me. I've been in here for a week only getting out to drive around yesterday which wasn't exactly a break from the anxiety I experience while being here.

The Irreverent Psychologist: Patient Suicide: Part One--The Phone Call

Thanks, this is a very powerful series of posts.

Nope , even a hot mess can hold a job... you just have to be unmessy for your shift, I am living proof.

Growlithing, it sounds like you are holding up okay so far. Good job! It sounds ultra stressful but you seem to be holding your own. I loved the post where you explained some of the ways in which you are able and competent and resourceful and resilient and strong. Hang in there!

I'm trying. I managed to not SI this weekend. I don't expect to keep that up much longer, but I guess that's a start.

27 days....

Actually, I'm proof that a manager can be a hot mess. It may be a job requirement!

This is HUGE! It didn't happen by accident, though--you chose not to hurt yourself: that's where accepting yourself begins! You don't have to think about 27 days--just right now.

I just talked myself out of it. I started writing about being lonely and then started writing about feeling like my T abandoned me and wanting to hurt myself... but then I realized that I was writing that in a journal that my T gave me in May so I could have an outlet when she couldn't be there. I'm stupid for sometimes thinking she abandoned me.

I talk myself out if doing it a lot. Granted, I haven't been doing that too much recently because SI helps keep the sui thoughts away, but I don't really praise myself for it anymore. It was kinda like when I was having huge problems with binge eating. I'd decide to not eat something and I'd think "this is good. This is the start of something." And then a few hours later I'd eat something worse.

But thank you. Your response sounds a lot like what my T would say if I told her that I didn't SI. I don't know why it makes me so uncomfortable when she says stuff like that. Maybe I just feel undeserving of her praise.

It sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be perfect. Relapses happen to all of us--but they don't negate the previous success. So the next time you have the thought, think about your success resisting it. That has value, regardless of the outcome.

Yeah. I guess this is just another example of me needing to be perfect. I talked about that in a previous thread. It's so hard to allow myself to make mistakes, especially ones that seem so basic.

Hey this has been sitting hard on me since I have been in a dark place lately.

"It's been nearly a year since my patient killed herself.

My patient is etched in the record of my heart. I wish I had thought to tell her this when she was alive. In her death, she taught me never to make that mistake again. This past year I've seen my own work transform. I find ways to invite my patients into this private space so we both can discover the ways in which we have impact on each other and etch our experience of each other upon the surface of our hearts and souls.

Maybe that's enough to save a life. Maybe it's not. It's the best I have. As I sit in my office chair and feel the pull of depression on all life and light around me I become increasingly aware this that is all I have. It's all any of us have.

My patient carefully selected the method of her death. After years of talking about suicide, and having therapists talk with her about the trauma she would cause others who found her, she selected a method that had the least impact. I'm sure she did this in an effort to begin the erasure of herself from the record of the world. She didn't want to hurt anyone--and she didn't want to be remembered.

The tragedy of this suicide--and any suicide really--is starting to surface for me in this space between light and dark. As this past year has elapsed I find myself overwhelmed by an understanding that the only tool left my patient had to make an impact--to show others how she felt and what she was experiencing--was to kill herself.

In her attempt to erase herself through suicide, my patient ended up doing something else. She seared a memory of her experience in those of us who knew her. She made an impact on us. The tragedy was that she never experienced that impact--and that connection--in her life.

Treat people like they matter. It's the most important thing you will ever do.

Why praise makes you feel uncomfortable: Here are a few possibilities.

--maybe you sense a jarring inconsistency between compliments and what you were taught at home.
--maybe you feel dishonest: like you are in essence lying to people by acting good when you believe you are bad
--maybe you feel a dread that people don't see through you now but soon they will

What is your reaction to these possibilities?

It's been hitting me hard too. Part of the reason I originally posted this is because I realized I never thought about my death hurting my T and I thought it was something worthwhile to think about.

I think the first two could be spot on. There is definitely a huge inconsistency between most compliments and what I was taught at home. My mom definitely does compliment me, but she does it solely for things I achieve that she can hang on her wall in her office. Not literally hang on her wall, but she complimented me when I got into my school, she complemented me when I did well in some big competitions, she complimented me when I got into festivals. I guess she compliments me when a third party recognizes me or she'll give me some super backhanded compliment like "wow! great job losing the weight. You almost don't look scary fat anymore" or something like that. She didn't congratulate me for graduating high school because she considers high school graduation to be a requirement and therefore not something worthy of praising. I probably deeply internalized that way of thinking that some things are just not worthy of praise so I don't feel proud of myself for not hurting myself and I certainly don't feel proud of myself for choosing to fight the sui urges instead of just giving up.

I also kinda feel like if I was someone deserving of any recognition, I probably would respect myself enough not to harm myself. That sounds like something that a stupid person would do. It's weird though because I don't consider other people who struggle with SI to be stupid by any stretch of the imagination. I think they developed a coping skill that doesn't really benefit them and maybe got addicted to it. That's just the way I view myself.

I also don't know if I take SI seriously at all actually. I have a hard time understanding why something I chose to do to myself hat makes me feel a little better is so wrong. Me choosing not to self harm feels only slightly more relevant than me deciding not to watch TV or something. It is different because there is more social stigma against SI than watching TV so I feel like I should feel proud of myself for not doing it... but I guess I just struggle to accept that it is inherently bad. If anyone can explain to me exactly why SI is wrong, I'd appreciate that.

I'm definitely not an expert on this, but I did a quick search and found this article written by someone who used self harm at one point, but has a different perspective now.

http://www.angelfire.com/bc3/secondc...sinotgood.html

Thank you for the article.

"One of the main problems I see with self injury is it IS just another form of ABUSE. Many self injurers were abused at some point in their life (emotional, physical, sexual, any kind). By abusing your body, you are continuing the cycle of abuse."
- okay I can see that. It just really doesn't feel like a big deal. I guess the recurrent abuse I experienced as a child didn't seem like a big deal after a while either.

You are 100% correct it is your body and it harms just you, if you live in a bubble. I will argue that if it went to far as to where another had to get involved, then it no longer only effects you. Thing is, about Life, that everything we do will eventually inadvertently effect others. Even something as simple as a scar on ones arm seen by a passer by , may trigger something within them.

from another angle.... a person who SI's and an emotionally healthy happy person are never synonymous.

Apparently it was a big enough deal that you attempted to kill yourself. The effects are cumulative over time.

Yeah--I remember a student I had once who was in pretty bad shape. When I was sitting with her going over an assignment, she shifted herself and I saw the scars on her wrists, barely healed. It took all my control not to just cry.

Do you mean like if I told someone about it?

The last thing I want to do is trigger or hurt anyone, but I can't be held responsible for if I do on accident. I get triggered by lots of things like really nasty looking scars or the sound of footsteps. If I see someone with a nasty scar or someone walks loudly enough that I can hear them coming and I get triggered badly, that is on me, not them. I don't mean to say that people should go outside and start shouting really insensitive things about really heavy topics, but if a mark on my body deeply bothers a stranger, that is on them.

However I can understand that SI could upset my loved ones. I would be upset if one of my friends hurt themselves, I would be upset about it even though I have mixed feelings on the issue.

[EDIT] maybe I'm being too insensitive on the whole stranger thing. The scars I have that are visible when fully clothed don't necessarily look like SI scars.

Why would you even bother telling someone , if you see nothing wrong with it and you feel its your own business?

You wouldn't do it by accident, if you never did it in the first place.

Comparing your fear of Footsteps ( unavoidable , as people walk) and the display of a SI scar ( completely avoidable) is hardly comparable.

I'm going to shut up now, as I find this conversation non productive. Good luck, I hope things improve for you.

That didn't have anything to do with my SI though. I didn't do that because my SI escalated, I did that because I was desperate to escape my situation and couldn't see any other immediate way out and I was scared.

I'm not trying to argue for self harm at all. I know it is wrong and I know that I need to stop. I'm just trying to understand why. I can see that it continues the cycle of abuse and I can see that it does hurt people outside of myself.