How does a client's suicide affect their T?

I semi retract what I said earlier. I forced myself to practice and while I was playing, I did feel a lot better. I just have no natural motivation to do anything.

I'm sorry. I know how pathetic it is that I'm still talking. My friends are horrible at communication.

What you said about practicing reminded me of something. One way to try to progress is to act opposite to current emotion. So for example when you feel unmotivated to practice, make certain that you do practice anyways.

It's easier to just take painkillers and hope to not get addicted or die.

I'm glad that you are still talking with people here.

Acting opposite to current emotion is a pain in the butt but it IS effective.

Right now I'm going to clomp around on the boring treadmill in the gym. Even an ipod can't fix that.

(glad you are still posting too!)

I don't know how I haven't driven you guys crazy yet with my endless talking about pointless garbage and ramblings of a crazy person.

Yeah I know that forcing myself to do things is good. I like drugs better. I need to stop this crap before I develop even more serious problems.

I suppose that you've been taught at home that when you speak what you have to say is pointless garbage. One thing that we are doing here is showing you that we feel differently, that we actually value what you have to say, and that we recognize that what you have to say is not pointless garbage.

It is pointless garbage if I'm not planning on sticking around until 26. I'm just marking time at this point. My feelings don't mean anything regardless of that though. I don't mean anything. I'm just some person, some worthless animal living on the earth trying to fill my life with things until I die. I'm not making any progress on this thread. I'm just stubbornly complaining about things and refusing help. I deserve everything that happened to me, everything that I have done to myself, and I deserve everything that I will do to myself.

if I tell my T this stuff, do you guys think she will send me to the hospital and do you think she should send me there? I don't want to go there ever again.

All you need to do is keep going until school and you are succeeding with that!!

Does anything act as a distraction? I'd post silly links if it would help.

Someecards is pretty funny, usually in a dark way--just put "therapy" and "someecards" into google image search and see what pops up..or pick a topic, college, music etc

Here's one..."My therapist thinks I'm too judgemental but that's only because he's a dumb@ss"

Just be clear that you are NOT currently at risk but you are saying it because you need help.

so you don't think I need it? Sorry. I just feel completely crazy.

If there is a small chance of being put in the hospital, you can always alert staff that you are afraid of retaliation from your mom. Someone will advocate for you if you ask.

My T ran interference with my family when I was in school, and it was nice having a protector for a change. Sometimes you just need to ask, otherwise people, therapists, just won't know.

You are doing well considering everything--more than anything you need your therapist and to get away from your toxic family.

Only you know if you should go, personally I think in a healthier environment you would begin to be fine.

What is "running interference"? I'm not sure if I'm stupid or took too many drugs but I have no idea what that is.

Sorry---where did I pick up sports terminology
lol?

I guess I mean that he came between me and my parents in a protective way. My family refused family therapy but eventually my mom came in for a few sessions--when she got abusive he gave her the verbal smack down. Even when your family doesn't go to therapy, you can grant permission to your therapist to talk to your parents--sometimes they are so ****ed they don't realize the damage they are doing.

But that is only if you want that--For the longest time it was the last thing I wanted

I don't want my mom to talk to my T for a bunch of reasons. I can think of 2 main ones

1) My mom would not listen to her. She would assume that she's stupid (as she assumes everyone is stupider than her) and would be very aggressive with my T and they would get no where. My T would probably just get trampled and then I'd have to hear her complain about my T for the next 47 years because she can't handle anyone questioning her

2) I've never had any other Ts, but I have had school counselors and social workers. All of them knew my mom and all of them believed everything she had to say. I wouldn't want my T to talk to my mom and then decide that everything I told her about my life is some melodramatic lie I made up for attention.

[EDIT] I think I'd rather have open heart surgery without anaesthesia than go to family therapy

Can't say I blame you on the family therapy. That part didn't work out so well.

I guess my point is that your T can be your advocate and try to help protect you from this **** but only if she is aware of how bad things are. So it would be important to let her know how bad this summer was.

I am planning on printing out parts of this thread and giving it to her. I reading things I wrote at the time of when all of this was happening would be the most useful. Like I know I almost made an attempt in early June. I had everything set up and I spent like an hour debating it but ultimately walked away because I didn't want to upset my friends. I have very little memories of what I was feeling then. I blocked it all out. But I do have stuff I wrote about it in my journal.

As it gets closer to the school year, do you think that the counseling office will be open before classes begin? Maybe you can talk to her sooner than you think? Did she give you a startup date?

ha she is fully aware of how difficult the summer would be for me at my last session and I highly doubt she would let me leave the room without making a startup date. It is Sep 3, the day before the first day of school. I think she will actually be back the week prior to that because she originally hoped my lease would start a week earlier or I'd come early and crash in my friend's dorm room (she moved in a week ago because she is an RA) and I'd see her next week. Obviously, that didn't work out. But Sep 3 is still basically immediately upon arriving. She'll probably schedule a second session on the thursday or friday afterwards after just seeing me. She'll be able to read me well enough to know that I'm having serious problems. I still need to point blank tell her what's going on, but I start shaking just thinking about seeing her again so I will probably be a mess when I see her again.

Sept 3 is very soon!!!! Whether speaking or writing, just communicating how hard it was is what will matter. Glad you have an apt.

Yes it is. I'm sorry I didn't communicate that because I can imagine that information would be comforting. It's not fair of me to say that my T doesn't want to be here for me when I need her. She does. I just get really frustrated and angry.

My lease starts in 9 days. I'm starting traveling to Boston in 7 days, I'll be in Boston in 8 days. My parents will be gone in 10 days and I am seeing my T in 11. I wish I could get excited about this but I feel no joy. I'm completely dead inside. I'll feel okay now and again, but it never gets better than that.

I'm hoping that as it gets closer you will start feel at least a little happy anticipation.

Here's a little something I thought was interesting, for myself really but I think anyone struggling with depression and anxiety could appreciate this story...
I'm always interested in hearing about famous people/historical figures who we consider successful who had or have a dark side--some sort of psychological illness. (see list here just for depression...List of people with major depressive disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
)

One comedienne I have always liked --turns out her story is not just a stage act (I always thought it was) but she tells jokes based on her struggles with ocd, depression and anxiety. You may know Maria Bamford as the Target Lady from the commercials, but her funnier stuff is her own standup. For a listen--I recommend:

She is pretty successful but even she was hospitalized this year and gave a heartfelt and harrowing interview here...

She is actually hard to follow in the first part of her interview as her meds make it hard for her to speak. However, this interview becomes fascinating as it goes along because she is so smart, funny, dark and insightful. After hearing this, I am so admiring of her.
Just wanted to share.

Thank you for that. I enjoy learning about new people. I will be sure to listen once I feel a little less nauseous. Forcing myself to exercise or do stuff like that is in retrospect probably much better advice than taking tramadol.

You posting the videos reminded me of more issues that I have. My initial first response was to be completely uninterested in finding out more about her because she is a woman. I really enjoy listening to people vlogging on youtube and for whatever reason, I'm just completely disinterested in 99% female vloggers. I know how terrible that sounds.

I have a ton of issues with people. Most of my friends are women because well that's just how it worked out. I am very uncomfortable around men unless they are effeminate, probably because I've had very limited experiences with them and therefore feel like I don't speak their language. I also sexualize like every single interaction I have with guys my age, or I get nervous that something will develop. Talking to older men sets off a daddy complex and I get uncomfortable. I dunno. I don't have that issue so much online because I'm not visually seeing the men (Bill3 ha) face to face. So maybe I just like hearing a man's voice.

It also could be because I have this natural built in hatred for women for whatever reason. I have all of these horrible built in prejudgements about them as catty and uncaring and vain, etc. I also compare myself to them a lot and I never win the comparisons. Maybe the cause of this is more than likely the fact that I hate being a woman and I feel ashamed that I am.