[jazzy123456]

I've never emailed my therapist about dying -except for one other time in the 2 years I've seen her. Well, this time- it's been a few weeks and she never responded. Sometimes, she responds and sometimes she doesn't but, this one was about how much I wanted to die and how mad I am that I have to stay around just to not devestate other people. Literally, that's the only reason I'm still here.. I don't want anyone upset if I died. I've wanted to die for three years now and I guess it doesn't make a difference to my therapist if I did because she couldn't even take the time to respond. It's funny friends will take a post like this as seeking attention but, if I died- they be all like, "Jazzy, was one of the best people I know." -Ain't that twisted. People are flaky. Don't get me wrong though, I'm pretty much a functioning depressed person. I do a lot. Work, go to school, starting my own business, hang out with people etc. I have good, blessed days all the time- but, for the most part, if I was taken out, idk if it would bother me that much and I think about death all the time.

[rainbow8]

oh jazzy, I'm so sorry you're feeling the way you do. I didn't realize you have felt this way for 3 years! What happened 3 years ago? Why were you happier before that?

I think it's terrible that your T didn't respond. Can you call her instead of just emailing? What ever happened to your original T you used to post about? Can you still contact her?

You've probably answered this in the past, but do you take antidepressants? Thinking about death all the time is not a good way to live! I wish I could say something to help you, but know that I care about you, and I don't want you to die.

[growlycat]

Please stick around PC and let us know how you are doing jazzy. I hate feeling like you are feeling now, it is so hard to shake. Rainbow is right--calling may be your best bet. Email can be so easily lost or deleted by accident.

[jazzy123456]

Well 3 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression- imagine not remembering any abuse for 20 years and waking up one day and remembering it. Shortly after, you have issues with your sexuality but, come from a very religious family who would not be able to comprehend the issue. Plus, I bottled everything in up until three years ago but, now I am at a place (after 3 years) where I'm pretty much done talking about it... however, that hasn't kept me from still feeling depressed for some reason.

But, rainbow- thanks for the sweet wishes! its always nice to know you've commented on a thread of mine. I stopped getting on psychcentral because I didn't want to over-analyze the therapy process because that makes me overwhelmed. I just had to take time away from it to be smart about how much I think about therapy because just thinking about it is emotionally draining for many of us.

Anyways,

I tried antidepressants but, I didn't like them. Also, I am really guarded and closed off when it comes to my T. I hate showing how I really feel so I settle for short, quick statements over email. It probably would be best to call but, I'm just at the point in my life where it's hard for me to shake off the fact that I can't really trust or depend on anyone. So, I'll send stuff but, it's hard for me to just call like that.

A year and a half ago I switched schools on the university level and also switched therapists. Hence, the new therapist.

Thanks growlycat

I could call but, I always feel like I have to be in person to talk about stuff. I don't even remember the last time I went to see my T. I've just kinda closed a lot of people off in life, and I guess that includes my T. Yes, i've thought about death for so long though, it just feels normal but, it's more like this agonizing feeling that bothers me instead of something serious. It's been too long to feel like anything serious...just seems like a normal part of my daily thoughts.

Thanks for the HUGS everyone.

Jazzy

Thinking of you....

[jazzy123456]

wow I just caculated it.. I haven't seen my T in a month and 2 weeks..

I think these deep feelings need more regular therapy.

[MoxieDoxie]

I have been wanting to die since the day I woke up alive in the hospital after my last suicide attempt 10 years ago. Some days are clear and I do not think about it but most days it can be all I think about. I just don't think about suicide I pray and wish for things to end either naturally or a accident so the aftermath won't be so damaging to the few people that care for me. Therapy sometimes causes it and sometimes have stopped it.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by jazzy123456

wow I just caculated it.. I haven't seen my T in a month and 2 weeks..

I am really sorry to hear the way you are struggling. I can very much understand how these thoughts can shadow all that we do and how we navigate through life (I tend to think I had better enjoy doing such and such since it could be the last time--morbid). I hope things are not as dark for you today. I dont know why the long break in therapy for you, but sounds as though you really need that connection and to get more support. Whatever reason you tell yourself not to call-ignore it. You need to call and set up an appt, or call anyways, even if you think you will be guarded about how you are really feeling. Hugs- pt

[WikidPissah]

(((jazzy))) Can you get more regular sessions? Is it affordability or availability that keeps you away from t for so long? You deserve to be heard and understood. If not by this T, then another. Please don't settle for living life feeling this way. There is another side, you can get there with the right help.

[drj7d8]

I'm sorry your T has not responded. Do you think it has anything to do with how long it has been since you have seen T?

I would strongly suggest calling. You could even call and mention the email and that you really need a response. Unfortunately the response may be that you should go to the hospital or seek immediate care.

I feel bad that you are feeling so terrible. I definitely know how it feels. Seek out help from someone close by: call the T, your pdoc if you have one, a local community mental health center.

[learning1]

I don't have any good advice but I care about you and you deserve a t who responds.

[jazzy123456]

Thanks for the support and warm wishes. Over the years, this forum has really been a great way to express myself and here back from people who get what the therapy process is like and that is comforting. It's actually affordability and my indecisiveness about whether or not I should go in the first place that caused such a long break in therapy. Sometimes, I rather just bottle everything inside. I already emailed her to talk about creating a plan to end therapy...so, idk it's wierd...I go in for an appointment this week and it has been actually 2 months. I made the appointment but, part of me doesn't want to go.

[jazzy123456]

Originally Posted by drj7d8

I'm sorry your T has not responded. Do you think it has anything to do with how long it has been since you have seen T?

I would strongly suggest calling. You could even call and mention the email and that you really need a response. Unfortunately the response may be that you should go to the hospital or seek immediate care.

I feel bad that you are feeling so terrible. I definitely know how it feels. Seek out help from someone close by: call the T, your pdoc if you have one, a local community mental health center.

I don't think that's why. I think she didnt respond because the email was soo moody and somewhat sarcastic. I have a hard time expressing the emotions that come along with what I write in an email to her.Yeah, I didn't really get much help, just been taking things day by day.

[learning1]

Are you really sure Jazzy? I don't know but I wonder if you haven't talked to her for a while and it's summer, you don't know what she might be doing or if she's in a different place or job or something that would make it easier for her not to keep track of the emails at the same address you usually use.

How are you doing now?