[precious things]

TRIGGER WARNING- suicidal thoughts discussed

This is not a post crying out for help- right at this moment, I am okay and have a T who I share some of this with. I am interested in how you view your Sui thoughts (for those of you who have them).

I have never in my life attempted suicide though I have had that serious inner dialogue and felt very close to being ready- once as teen and again a couple of years ago. It has always just been thoughts- more like grappling with the "how do I get out of this pain...well, there is always this sure way out" type of thinking. Zero plan of action.

The past year I am aware I have Sui thoughts at least several times a day, only they seem more morbid (ex: I am always pausing the moment before I open the garage door and have the thought I could start the car and never open it, or when blow-drying my hair I have a quick thought of dropping the cord in the sink). I have always had the thought of writing out good-bye letters, yet now I find myself making mental notes in my head of points I want to make sure to include in my messages to those I would leave behind (but I haven't actually written them). I find myself looking at the calendar to pick a month where it wouldn't conflict with a holiday or a loved ones birthday....you get the point. I have these thoughts daily on a passing level but always have felt it more of a mental way out of my pain, versus looking to do the act. Is it normal to be crying over a mental good-bye letter I've written in my head to my parents? I mean, is this just the nature of having these thoughts---or because they are just always lingering in the back ground. Should I be concerned that it feels more detailed now? Is this how it progresses to the actual act or does everyone more or less live with these thoughts to varying degrees?

[tinyrabbit]

I don't think everyone lives with these thoughts, no. But I also don't think it's necessarily a case of linear progression as everyone's different. Your post concerned me because you're getting into specifics like what to include in a note or when to do it. It isn't normal to be upset over those hypothetical letters and I do think your post suggests a high level of distress being expressed through those sui feelings.

I have attempted sui. But as a teenager who had dissociated lots so I cant tell you how I felt. I will say that I think it's helpful to separate out the feelings and the actions. It's like wanting to eat a cake and finding reasons not to - you can decide not to eat it but still crave it, still feel hungry. I think it's important to work out what belongs to the actual hunger if that makes sense?

I find myself thinking of ways to do it but I know that, for me, it's part of the hunger, not me actually getting a plate and getting ready to eat the cake. But that's just me. Sorry I sound rather unemotional, am feeling a bit robotic today, it's not personal. Big hugs to you.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I have attempted sui. But as a teenager who had dissociated lots so I cant tell you how I felt. I will say that I think it's helpful to separate out the feelings and the actions. It's like wanting to eat a cake and finding reasons not to - you can decide not to eat it but still crave it, still feel hungry. I think it's important to work out what belongs to the actual hunger if that makes sense?

I find myself thinking of ways to do it but I know that, for me, it's part of the hunger, not me actually getting a plate and getting ready to eat the cake. But that's just me. Sorry I sound rather unemotional, am feeling a bit robotic today, it's not personal. Big hugs to you.

Big hugs to you, I can't imagine having survived the experience (and I am thankful you were not succssful). Thank you for sharing. I have always tried to view these as my mental way of wanting out, of course most of us want out of our pain. I do see myself as a hamster spinning on a wheel in search of that elusive way through the pain of life (or out of it) and grabbing onto these thoughts is me running faster on that wheel looking for a way off (does that mean I want to die- no, I just want out of the pain and off the wheel).

[MoxieDoxie]

I survived a suicide in my 30's. I had no desire to leave a note. Pissed I survived. Suicidal thoughts have been with me most days. Plan in place. My T's know. It has gotten better and I have more days I want to live than I want to die in the past month. Maybe therapy is finally starting to do something.

My IFS T says it is a part that gets triggered and is actually trying to help me and is protecting an exile. He even sent me this to try and help me understand:

I can share the experience that I have had with a client over the past couple of years. This client has many "intrusive thoughts."
You're a *****, you're bad, why don't you cut yourself, why don't you kill yourself ….etc.
She has parts that shame her for taking up space, for simply being alive.

In a very slow, painstaking way we have treated these individual thoughts as parts and wondered together the standard WAH question: "What is it concerned would happen if it didn't do its job?"
Sometimes this question nets nothing.
Then I ask the flip version "What is the hope of this part? How is it hoping to help you by doing this?"

Sometimes she has parts that shut her down from even participating in this discussion - its NOT allowed.
I may check and see what the part that wants to shut down the discussion is worried would happen if it didn't shut this down. Or I may just back off for now.

But when she can tolerate the discussion what comes out is that the part, no matter how nasty it's actions, is actually trying to protect her. She will often acknowledge that while at the same time not believing a word of it. It hasn't been an easy aha! experience at all. It is very slow.

There is a lot of nuance in the pursuit of this truth - I have to be careful not to announce this truth to her but to let it evolve in what she reports. When it does I marvel at it with her. "Isn't amazing how DEVOTED this part is to you? Wow. " I particularly pay attention to my own Self energy which can feel love for these intrusive parts which have so valiantly tried to protect this very abused client over many years. I experience my own Self energy radiating from my chest and it comes across to her.

Over time these conversations have led to her having more Self Energy when these parts appear. It now - 2 years later - makes sense to her that these are parts of her. That is huge for her.

She tells me that sometimes when they appear she'll say to them, "Oh, hello part!" She can unblend from them - a tremendous thing.

Thanks for the opportunity to write about this. It is a precious experience to facilitate this for her.

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by precious things

TRIGGER WARNING- suicidal thoughts discussed

This is not a post crying out for help- right at this moment, I am okay and have a T who I share some of this with. I am interested in how you view your Sui thoughts (for those of you who have them).

I have never in my life attempted suicide though I have had that serious inner dialogue and felt very close to being ready- once as teen and again a couple of years ago. It has always just been thoughts- more like grappling with the "how do I get out of this pain...well, there is always this sure way out" type of thinking. Zero plan of action.

The past year I am aware I have Sui thoughts at least several times a day, only they seem more morbid (ex: I am always pausing the moment before I open the garage door and have the thought I could start the car and never open it, or when blow-drying my hair I have a quick thought of dropping the cord in the sink). I have always had the thought of writing out good-bye letters, yet now I find myself making mental notes in my head of points I want to make sure to include in my messages to those I would leave behind (but I haven't actually written them). I find myself looking at the calendar to pick a month where it wouldn't conflict with a holiday or a loved ones birthday....you get the point. I have these thoughts daily on a passing level but always have felt it more of a mental way out of my pain, versus looking to do the act. Is it normal to be crying over a mental good-bye letter I've written in my head to my parents? I mean, is this just the nature of having these thoughts---or because they are just always lingering in the back ground. Should I be concerned that it feels more detailed now? Is this how it progresses to the actual act or does everyone more or less live with these thoughts to varying degrees?

I think for me, I feel this is fairly normal for an abnormal thinker (someone depressed, or with maladaptive coping mechanisms, etc.). I think about it all the time, thought about the letters, then wondered how or when I would mail them ('cause I know no one would deliver them), and of course, the many ways that I can do it. Those thoughts were what made me sign myself up for therapy in the first place - but T quickly reassured me that just because you are having the thoughts doesn't mean that you are "suicidal" or about to do it. Hope this helps

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by precious things

Big hugs to you, I can't imagine having survived the experience (and I am thankful you were not succssful). Thank you for sharing. I have always tried to view these as my mental way of wanting out, of course most of us want out of our pain.

You're welcome. And thanks for saying you're glad I survived. It was an awful experience because of how I was treated by the hospital and my family. I didn't try again for years simply because I was afraid I'd fail again and end up in the hospital again.

I think it helps to see suicidal feelings as a symptom. As you say, they're a sign that you're in a lot of pain. Personally I find they come and go, come and go, so when they come I try to remind myself that I can withstand them.

Are you on any meds?