Am I Better? (Therapy related question/rant)

I know I'm better than I was last year at this time - I know I am better than I was half a year ago - but does that mean I'm better PERIOD?

My counsellor told me something this week (it was my appointment after having not seen her for two weeks) that I was "better" and that she didn't have the time to see me because she was dealing with patients that are far worse off than me. I understand that - people with suicidal ideation and whatnot do need more help than me because I don't have the desire or will to do something like that.

But still...

I don't think I'm "better". And I think that a monthly appointment (seeing her in now four weeks) is less than useful and won't be at all effective. In that amount of time, I can slip and fall and by the time the appointment comes around it will be impossible to get to the same point I am right now. It won't work.

I'm not better - I'm better than I was yes, but I'm not better. I'm not a self-starter, I can't heal or fix myself by myself and that's what she expects me to do.

Yes, it is not her fault that my university has more students than therapists, and not enough money to hire more therapists or make more of them full-time.

I just wish I knew what I was supposed to do.

I'm confused, upset, hurt and I feel abandoned.

On the flip side however, there is a therapist in training that I could see - he seems nice and all but I've never shared much of anything with a guy. But he's focussed on all of the things I need help with so he could help but he unerves me. He does that whole "staring" thing which makes me drift off into my own world because I can't stare back - too much anxiety and fear.

I could also go to see my first therapist. She's in a counselling practice, but its not at the university and therefore I'd have to pay for it out of pocket. I spoke to her, and for students it would be $50 a session which might not seem like a lot to most, but I'm a student, I have no money. I can't get my parents to pay for it, because they believe therapy is a waste of time and that people can solve their own problems. I am starting a job, and I suppose I could pay for it - but how do I explain the money I wouldn't be making to my parents? Not that they really need to know - but I'm not exactly fond of lying, no matter how talented I am in that regard.

What am I gonna do?

PS. I can't go to see anyone else at my university because the university has a sort of policy that basically says that after so many appointments that a referral should be made to an off-campus person. I've already gone over my # of sessions "limit" but my current therapist is letting me still see her because (up until this point anyways) she seemed to realize that I do actually need this - even if I'm not suicidal or SIng anymore. And she said she liked me as a client as well.

((((((((Canders)))))))))))

I am sorry you can't keep seeing the T you prefer. I was upset too when my past T told me I was better and didn't need to see him anymore, and I knew that I wasn't. If you still need therapy, and you are the expert on what you need, then I would encourage you to work out a way to go to someone.

The student therapist would be your most economical option, it sounds like. If you told him that the staring bothers you, I am sure that he would appreciate the feedback and work on that. That is the kind of thing he is working on perfecting - how much eye contact is comfortable and how to be responsive to each client's needs. Other than that, do you think he is someone you could work with? Or if not, how about asking for a different student therapist?

Or could you work out a way to manage the cost of seeing someone in private practice? It might be nice to go back to your first T and show her how much progress you have made. I know money is tight as a student, but if you decide it's the best option for you, sometimes where there is a will there is a way.

Rap

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Rapunzel said:
Other than that, do you think he is someone you could work with? Or if not, how about asking for a different student therapist?

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He is focussed on all of the stuff I need help with (interpersonal, emotions, and some CBT) so I suppose I could work with him - I just don't know. I suppose I should at least give it a shot.

Can't ask for another student therapist - the chaplain can only oversee one person per year, and this is the one for this year (just like my previous therapist was the one for last year until she graduated).

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Or could you work out a way to manage the cost of seeing someone in private practice?

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I'm thinking I may be able to - but as of right now I don't even know how much this new job would pay (will be getting that info on Monday). Its also a matter of convenience as I'd have to take some sort of transportation to go to the appointments. I'm also thinking if I go this route if it would be possible to arrange for bi-weekly appointments, and not once a week. Would cut down on the cost for sure.

Thanks Rap for your response

oh my gosh. i cant beleive your T said that. That is just WRONG!

I can understand why she said that though - I always told her if she had to tell me something to do it more bluntly than she would with others - I can sometimes really really hate pleasantries.

I just never expected her to say THAT though

hey christina,
yeah it is not fair, it's almost as if u get penalized for being better! my parents have a similar attitude towards therapy (ironic considering their problems)...u cld give the therapist in training a shot, or private practice might work out, maybe u could negotiate sum sort of sliding scale fees?

Hi canders. hang in there. its really something to be proud of that your therapist trusts you to where she is saying its time to stop therapy. by the way just because she says she has to stop seeing you right now because you fortunately don't fit the criteria that she sets for seeing her clients doesn't mean that in the future - near or far - that you cant call and see her when you need to again.

As for what are you going to do? well you have a few options. you can go against her belief and trust in your coping tools that she gave you during the time you were seeing her and your ability to use them and fall apart which of course would put you back in that area of criteria that will keep therapy with her open. though it may not be the same with her because she will probably be even more forceful of making you stand on your own more during time with her to prove to you that she trusts your abilities now to take care of yourself.

You can honor her trust in you and give it a try going monthly for a bit with her to see where that takes you. you may learn why and how she has come to believe you are better and don't need her weekly any more.

Or you can drop her and start with someone new weekly but in making that decision it may be that the next person will say "I can't see you the way you are on a weekly or bi monthly schedule. I will have to see you monthly or every other month or every three months."

When I was with SKR I had to make this choice. SKR thought I was ready for monthly and in her personal life she was also in need of more time beween our therapy sessions together. At that point our therapy time together was just us and no threapy agency involved because the therapy agency had laid her off. We got permission for her to keep me on as a client outside of the therapy agency. I wasn't told I was going to a monthly schedule so I didn't have much time to worry about if I could handle it or not. SKR and I were sitting at the local library and while I was busy paying attention to the printer she said how about we meet on this day and time and wrote it up on a paper before I could realize it was a whole month away and then our time was up for that day so she grabbed her stuff I grabbed mine and we walked out of the library together she got in her car and drove off to pick up her child from school and I biked home. When I grabbed the paper and wrote the appointment up I realised she had switched my appointment from every two weeks to monthly. I felt proud of the fact that she felt I was ready but ooohhh man so scared. I called her and left her a message telling her I now knew why she had made such a hasty retreat outside the library for we always took a few minutes of chit chat at her car and that day she didn't stay for our normal bye see you later chit chat. I told her that was very sneaky and on the one side I was happy that she trusted that I would be fine but I didn't feel that way. She called me back and left me a message stating I would be fine. I just had to remember that I will be seeing her again just instead of in two weeks we would see each other in 4 weeks and then told me she wanted me to think about...(a question) between now and then and see what I could come up with around it. she knew with all my creativity work I will end up with something that will knock her socks off. So now instead of being in a panic over the fact that I was getting better and that meant seeing her for therapy less I had a project to take that anxiety out on.

Maybe you can do the same thing - think about this past session and come up with a creative project about something that was a topic of that session. I can think of one right now - how about getting two shoe boxes, construction paper, glue, scizzors and creating a diarama of this topic of therapy sessions being spaced out to 4 weeks. line the shoe boxes inside and out and then glue them back to back so you now have two rooms. in one room make a scene that depicts the situation from the therapist point of view and in the other room behind that - the scene of what is going on in your point of view. and take plenty of breaks so that you have a chance to get the details the way you want them. Then when you go to your next therapy session in 4 weeks you have something to show your therapist that will help you and the therapist work through the fact that you are not ready yet to switch to a monthy schedule. who knows maybe by doing the project you will see strengths in you you cant see at the moment or in seeing the project the therapist agrees with you that you are not ready to go to a monthly schedule yet and go back to your previous session schedule.

Hang in there.

Thanks (((((((zombiette))))))))

Wow ((((((((myself))))))))) thanks for that comment - you sure have given me a lot to think about.

LOL You're welcome. (((((((((((Canders))))))))) Hang in there ok and have some fun with the project. Making Diarama's are fantastic activites because you can make it however and whatever you want them to be.

canders7 Hope whoever you decide to go to for therapy is someone you can open up with...and I agree just because you feel better doesn't mean you are ready to let go yet...you will know when you are strong...unless your therpist just wants you to test your wings and see if you can fly? She could be right...or maybe you still need a few more flying lessons...only you can find that out!

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canders7 said:
In that amount of time, I can slip and fall. . .

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Why would you want to? In that amount of time you can be 4 weeks betterer too. It's your life, not your therapist's. Your therapist isn't making you better, YOU are. Your therapist has her own life to make better. Keep working hard as you've obviously been working, make up a goal (or 4, one for each week?) and write up what and how well you do to share with her at your next session.

There's a quote I really like; "your therapy should be the most important thing in your life but it's not the most important thing in your therapist's life." Just keep doing as well as you've been doing this past year, Canders. You can do it! (((Canders7)))

Canders, yes you are better than you were, but obviously not where you wish to be...thus you must continue! How you continue is your choice. Since the disconnection with your current therapist is sudden, I would at least see the other T until you can manage on your own (whenever that might be.)

Since you have improved with such little therapy, how fast or better might you go with the other T who does have more time for you and your issues? Why not ask for a free consultation with the new T and see what he thinks? In all ways, take care of yourself. Even that fee per session is worth it when it comes to YOU!

Wow. Thanks ((((((((((everyone)))))))) for your thoughts, its nice to get a picture of how everyone sees the situation, since I can't really be objective in any sense.

I guess I still have some thinking to do but just wanted to really thank everyone!

At first I thought your therapist was amazingly cruel & then when I read the rest of your post about the school regulations, I think she is just stuck in a maze of rules that, unfortunately, leave you in a bit of a lurch. I quit my therapy when I got stable on drugs, but I had to go in for an emergency meeting after an overdose recently & she got me in within 24 hrs., but she is in private practice & can make her own "rules."

I have a friend who is paying $115.00 out of her pocket for her therapy cuz her ins. co. won't pay for the terapist she is going to & the therapist has helped her so much she is unwilling to switch. Sometimes your mental health should come above everything else, especially is you are deeply depressed. Hope you can figure out a solution.--Suzy

Hi Christina,

I find myself in much the same situation as you do...I've been seeing a fellow who is with a clinic that does a lot of contract work for the state, people like me with no insurance or private resources. He has moved me to an every 4 week schedule, just when I thought we were getting to the point I was going to start making some progress, but I'm not going to kill myself, so down the list I go! You got it right in your first post...~free~ therapists just can't see people like us long-term, there are too many others who are in crisis. I'm afraid it will always be that way.

As for your options, it sounds like the student is your best option at this point...he's free, and he seems to want to do the sort sort of therapy you feel would be helpful. I imagine that you two can work out your other issues.

Private therapists are kind of a crapshoot...they're expensive, and there's no guarantee that things will work between you. On a student's budget shopping around for a private therapist will be difficult at best. As a general observation, however, I have to say that I have had a couple of therapists that I didn't particularly like that were very helpful. I wasn't expecting too many warm fuzzies, and they were able to illuminate things for me in a way that therapists with whom I had a "warmer" relationship simply were not able to do. In other words, they could say the "hard" things that I needed to hear and not mush them up so much that I didn't get it.

Have you investigated any group therapy or support group options? I have found them to be quite helpful and free or very low cost to boot...something to consider. One of my old pdocs ran a bipolar therapy group with a psychologist weekly for $25...two of the best people in town. Perhaps you could find something similar for depression.

So anyway, there's my $0.02...I hope you find something that works for you so that you can keep getting better. You have so much to offer, never forget that!

DJ

Thanks so much both of you, and thanks to everyone! Wow, what a wide array of thoughts to muddle through before I've got to figure out what I'm going to do!

Thanks ((((hugs))))